Out of town Wedding. Who pays travel expenses?

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 7:56 am

What do people generally do when a child marries in a different city/country regarding married siblings attending.
Do people pay for all their kids (married & not), not pay for married kids, pay for young marrieds spouses ?
Where does it end ?
My DD is putting us on a guilt trip because we are "only" paying for her ticket to DS wedding. She claims she "can't " travel without her husband & can't afford his ticket.
Why should we pay for SIL? What kind of precedent will that set?

Raisin

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:03 am

It depends on the family, and how much spare cash you have lying around. You don't have to pay for your sil's ticket (or your daughters) but don't be upset if she doesn't come. If she is a newlywed it is understandable she might not want to leave her husband.

I don't think it necessarily sets a precedent though. My parents helped pay for tickets for one wedding. But not for later weddings.

My sibling got married in my shana rishona and my parents offered to pay for the tickets. (of course, I would have gone regardless) It was very nice of them but I did not expect it (or get it) for any later weddings.

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:17 am

Op. Wedding is in EY. Another ticket is $1300 plus they need accomodation.
We are already spending $16k on airfare alone. No can do.
I'm not upset if she can't come, although she can. I'm more upset with the attitude that we should pay for SIL to come.
And yes I can see this become a pattern for the other kids & spouses.
So right now we're the bad ones because "that's what everyone does".
I need to hear what exactly it is that people do.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:27 am

amother wrote:

But it doesnt matter what others do.
Are you paying for any spouses or grandkids? If yes, why not hers? And if not, then thats how it goes. A wedding is expensive already. The money only goes so far.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:28 am

watergirl wrote:

You are already paying 16k on airfare, another $1300 isnt really that much when you look at it that way.
My sister got married in Israel, my mother paid for my husband and daughter to fly and also accommodations. If she didnt, we could not have gone.

no,if not then your husband and child could not have gone, but you could have, no?

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:38 am

OP. Another $1300 is a lot of money.
The $16k is very difficult . We are still paying thousands for accomodation & ofcourse our share of the wedding.
If she comes alone she can stay with us.
It's not like they can't earn & save up for the ticket. I'm working full time plus to afford this simcha. They expect , no demand that it gets handed to them.
After we spent a fortune on her wedding less than a year ago.

33055

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:40 am

watergirl wrote:

This attitude is why the cost of simchas spiral out of control. When you look at the fact they are already paying $16K for airfare $1300 more is outrageous.

If they were spending zero on airfare then to pay only $1300 is really not that much.

ronbonboo

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:47 am

She got married less than a year ago, you are asking her in Shana Rishona to leave her husband for a week for a wedding?!?! I'm sorry that's crazy, either you pay for both or you don't pay. It's not fair to make her choose a sibling over her husband. I eloped in Israel. I didn't buy anyone tickets, my brother was already there and my sister bought her own ticket. When you choose a destination wedding you choose not to have everyone that you want there. No you don't have to pay for your son in law, but at the same time during Shana Rishona I wouldn't ask your daughter to leave her husband.

SacN

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:53 am

She's not asking her daughter to leave her husband. She's saying, we can pay for one ticket and cant afford accommodations for a couple.

If her daughter wants, she can earn money for her husbands share, or stay home. Same as if it were her own money paying for the first ticket--she has the choice to go or not. Yes, it's hard to choose between those, especially when it means missing a siblings wedding. Too bad. Her OWN financial situation dictated that, not her parents generosity in offering to buy one ticket.

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:54 am

one of my sibblings got married in Israel. All of the single kids contibuted whatever they earned working the past summer. My parents rented 2 apartments. One married sibbling flew with us. (I will assume they paid for their own ticket. They were newly married)

When I got married in america I had 2 sibblings living in Israel. I wanted them to come so I paid for their ticket, not their spouce. Both couples came in the end.
my younger sister wanted the kids to come so she paid half. Tickets were cheaper 12-15 years ago.

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:07 am

SacN wrote:

Right. I'm not asking her to leave her husband. She could also come for 24 hours not a week.
Basically we told them we pay 1 ticket , they do the rest or you can't come.
They aren't both employed full time. No reason they can't earn the rest.
Somehow though we're the bad guys. Shouldn't have offered anything...
But ofcourse that's what "everyone" is doing!

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:10 am

ronbonboo wrote:

Oh and we didn't choose a destination wedding. We are making the wedding in the kallah's country. As it should be.

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:29 am

My brother got married in Israel during my Shana Rishona. My parents offered to pay 1 ticket. We were fine with that and would have gone, but ended up not going because I was having a rough pg.

I had other siblings weddings overseas and paid my own ticket. My parents paid my accommodations.

"everyone" doesn't necessarily do it the way she thinks.....it depends what "everyone's" financial situation is.

SRS

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:29 am

I am completely neutral regarding if she is being demanding or not. It seems to me that when you marry your children off they should be independent and should be able to budget for their travel for family simchas or Pesach or whatever else comes along the bend. Of course so few kids that get married are independent and so we have these discussions. The ivory tower is a great place to live.

On the other hand, once you offer for one it is as if you didn't offer for another kid because for all practical purposes they are each your children now and I'm of the school of thought that we don't ask spouses to travel separately and be away from each other unless they make that choice themselves. Edit: might be best to offer a certain gift for travel and let them budget it out and come to their own conclusions.

I think the real problem is that you are working "full time plus" to afford this wedding and the costs have already skyrocketed with 16K in travel which is incredible as it is and so this extra expense is creating animosity especially in light of having just paid for an expensive wedding for her. It does not seem fair per se to be upset about spending on her wedding in light of this wedding. Choices were made along the way but his wedding is his and her wedding is hers. Perhaps you should have spent less on hers and not offered a ticket for half of a married couple.

If you feel you can't keep up the pace and that the kids are developing unreasonable expectations, let them know that the past weddings are past and the future path is not going to include having to take on more hours to fund more spending. Also let them know that your family will set the ground rules for what is "done" not other people doing other things.

I presume that the kallah is Israeli and that is why the wedding is in Israel. If not, it is a destination wedding and I'm not so keen on that trend because it just forces high costs and it really is special to have all siblings (and their spouses) in attendance.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:42 am

You are being generous as is.
Of course it will set a precedent if you pay for the spouse's ticket. Siblings tend to be jealous even after marriage, and will not be happy if they don't get the same treatment.
You didn't say her dh can't come. You said you can't afford a ticket and accommodation for him. Big difference. You left her with several choices: save up and have him pay his own way, or go by herself for a few days (what's the big deal?) Or if she can't part with him for even 5 days, she can skip the wedding herself.
One of the options is not and does not have to be, squeeze every last penny out of your parents, till they are miserable.

pesek zman

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:51 am

When my British husband and I got married several years ago in NY (where I lived and we now both do) my husbands sister, brother in law and niece didn't come. They couldn't afford it, and my in laws didn't pay (could they have? Provably. But I guess it just wasn't a high priority) and so they didn't come. Unfortunate, but the reality is that it would have cost them over 3k and that's a lot (especially for a young family)

I think your daighter is acting like a spoiled brat and taking advantage of your generosity. If she can't afford it or chooses not to pay for it, she should stay home. FaceTime it.