4Yr old dd inappropriate play

amother

Thu, Aug 07 2014, 7:33 pm

My 4 yr old daughter is extremely interested in her body and other peoples bodies (which can be very normal) but I can't trust her with her friends. Today she asked me if they could play in her room and I said no but after much begging I agreed as long as they keep the door open and I told her I would check on them in a few minutes. When I went to check on them, they weren't in her room and I called her name and two heads bobbed out from the bathroom. When I asked what they were doing they both guiltily tried to make the other one tell me but neither my daughter nor her friend would. I sent her friend home and told my daughter we can't have friends over until she tells me what happened. She's been walking around with a very guilty conscience but won't talk about it. I'm feeling so sick not knowing what they were doing and not sure if I should call the girls mother. Any advice?

ddsw

Thu, Aug 07 2014, 8:36 pm

Maybe try a different approach. Try talking to her calmly explaining that you won't be upset if she tells u and discuss personal boundaries again. Maybe read lets stay safe with her and explain how our bodies belong to us and how it makes others feel uncomfortable when we cross those boundaries. As for the mother of the friend u can call her and say that u wanted her to be aware of what happened and maybe she could talk to her daughter to see if she was uncomfortable. Good luck.

seeker

Thu, Aug 07 2014, 10:08 pm

ddsw's approach sounds about right to me. I don't know what's going on these days with the (well warranted) hyper-awareness of boundary issues, but I remember being a preschooler and it being pretty normal (not parent endorsed...) to do a little peeking, following each other into the bathroom kinds of things. For most kids the interest moves on pretty fast, but the future-doctor types might benefit from some calm, neutral appropriateness training.

bookworm10

Thu, Aug 07 2014, 10:10 pm

I think that all kids go through a phase where they are curious about their bodies and their friends. There are always kids who take it a little too far... but as long as you keep watching her and discussing how bodies are private, and just for you etc. I do not think the behavior is so abnormal.

amother

Fri, Aug 08 2014, 11:46 am

Try sitting her down with a treat so you're both in a relaxed state. Talk a few minutes, then tell her that you're not angry about her being in the bathroom with her friend but it's a mother's job to know what's going on with get kids do you need to know. That's it-- mothers need to know because they're mothers and a child can tell or adjunct her mother anything. Then stay calm and respond calmly--ex, "ok but using the toilet is really a private thing so it's better if one if you waits outside the door. You can still talk." That's what my mother told me as a way to start establishing privacy boundaries when I was that age. My friend and I wouldn't want to stop what we were doing even when one of us had to go to the bathroom. It's also how I found out where babies came out--I thought they came out of navels and my friend and I went into the bathroom to examine each other's navels and see if we could figure it out. My mother calmly asked me after the friend went home and when I told her , explained about " the special place" that I needed to keep safe for when I was ready to be a mother.
Kids are curious. This is a perfect opportunity to show that she can talk to
you about anything without your getting upset. It's normal.

Lady Bug

Fri, Aug 08 2014, 12:01 pm

Your daughter is normal, however I think your reaction was inappropriate. You should try to teach your daughter proper boundaries so that you don't always have to watch and she should stick to it even when you are not watching. Try to figure out why your daughter is not comfortable sharing with you. Maybe your threat to punish her if she doesn't tell? Gives her a reason to believe that she should hide it. As an aside, it's never a good idea to threaten with something that you may need to go back on. How long can you realistically keep her home if she doesn't tell? What's if she never tells you, will you keep her in forever? Just some things to think about.