Getting to me. | Imamother

amother

Mon, Oct 06 2014, 9:10 pm

I am losing it.
I just don't get it! I feel so overwhelmed right now.
I made all 6 meals for RH and had a ton of company.
Now I'm looking at making 6 meals again... but I can't even think about it!
People are constantly getting invited out, but not us!
It's not like we're introverts or anything either. People seem to like us.
We're friendly with everyone! My husband is involved at shul and people are always hanging out and laughing with him. and everyone seems to enjoy our company when we are shmoozing and whatnot. Our kids play with their kids. So what's the deal?
What's the trick to getting invited for a meal??
and it's NOT that these people never have guests.
I'm seriously taking it personally.
I am crying as I write this! Why are we not on anyone's radar?!

bookworm10

Mon, Oct 06 2014, 9:28 pm

I feel the same. Shabbos after Shabbos, we have company and somehow never get invited out.

A lot of couples around me do go to family often, so I try to think that this is the reason and not because no one wants to have us back. I think people accept a meal faster than they invite.

You can come to me for a meal Smile

Ashrei

Mon, Oct 06 2014, 9:56 pm

Come to me Smile

We occasionally get invited out, but to be honest, I do whine a little to friends occasionally and they get the hint. I invite back, but admittedly not as often as I should. In any case, nothing panned out the first days of yontif, so yup, 6 meals... Might as well come over, it would be a pleasure to host!

We have no family and count on community people to help step in and help when the going gets really touch. It's nice to be able to give back when we can; Nice to be on the GIVING end for us.

PM if you're in Flatbush and would consider this random invitation Smile

nyer1

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 7:02 am

Do u have a bunch of kids? I don't think it's so common for a family to get invited out with a bunch of kids. I could be wrong. Maybe these other people who are having guests are only having singles, or young marrieds with one child or divorcees or widows. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I generally don't invite people to me if they have more than 3 kids because I would be extremely overwhelmed and wouldn't handle it well. I would sooner invite 3 couples than a couple with 3 or 4 kids. But that's just me

amother

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 1:08 pm

Same here. Have plenty of guests but never get invited. I've stepped back from inviting as many people as I used to because I am just too overwhelmed, and I do get resentful when I bend over backwards to invite people but never see a return invite, even when I know that people we've had invite others over often, just not us. Don't have an answer, but I hope your load gets lighter.

amother

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 1:27 pm

I don't like to go out for meals because I have big kashrus hangups (but I do go occasionally). I host very often but this year with all the tripleheaders I have cut back - just one company meal the first days and one the last days. My kids need some family time too. And our shul is having a meal on Simchas Torah. So, basically for years I grumbled that we weren't being invited out, and then I realized that a) I don't like eating in other people's homes and b) if I want to relax I can just limit the company sometimes.

Dina_B613

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 2:44 pm

Here are three thoughts:

1) There are many people who I would hesitate to invite over because they seem like the types who don't eat out, don't hold by other people's kashrut, etc. I wouldn't want to invite them and then embarrass them and cause hurt feelings on both ends. So, unless they indicated that they would eat at my house, I probably wouldn't invite them.

2) It might be a competition/jealousy thing. They'll never have as clean a house as yours, food as good as yours, and don't want to feel less than.

3) Wanting to seem fair. In the past, I had families with young children over. Some parents are great and watch their kids. Others didn't. I always removed breakables and sharp objects and provided toys for kids when they came over, BUT I can't nail everything to the floor. I was friends with a few families who were all neighbors and had toddlers. One family, who I'll call the Cohen's, always watched their toddlers - great! I put things away, but in general didn't have to worry. Another family, who I'll call the Levi's, not so much. I was always worried that their kids would get injured and didn't love it when their kids jumped off the couches or threw food on the floor and the parents didn't pick it up. Now, if I invited the Cohen's over and they mentioned it to the Levi's (who I had stopped inviting), their feelings would have been hurt. So, I stopped inviting anyone with toddlers over ... I felt bad, but I didn't want to cause strife or hurt feelings. After I stopped inviting, I started getting together in the park with these families for third meal in the summer - problem solved for the most part. I am not going to tell someone how to be a guest or how to parent their children OR let my home get destroyed.

Raisin

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 4:30 pm

I'm sorry. I can sympathise partly, we never get invited out either and host every meal whether or not we want to. We even had a bunch of guests the shabbos after I gave birth. (not my choice)

I do try and have one or two meals without guests, but it doesn't always work. We end up having a lot of guests on sukkos since many other people don't have sukkas.

But we don't eat out for kashrus reasons so I don't get insulted. But the work is overwhelming sometimes.

proudmother1

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 7:43 pm

amother wrote:

I guess, like with everything, there are the givers... and the takers...

But I'm a bit confused. Do you want to get invited out because you like the company etc.? Or to avoid having to cook another meal?
If the latter, then try other ideas.
Buy some food. I don't know where you live, but in many places there is takeout available.
Make some simple meals.
Make double of one thing, and freeze for another meal.
Perhaps concentrate on one really nice dish for every meal. Then just go with simple or leftovers for the rest.
Serve dips (store bought) , salads (can do in the morning on Yom Tov)
Focus on setting a nice table, and plating your food nicely. Its easier than cooking, cooking , cooking.
Are you putting too high of a standard on yourself?

amother

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 8:38 pm

OP here:
It's all those factors.
The fact is that yes I'm tired and pregnant and don't want to cook a bunch more.
Of course if it's just us I don't bother making half the stuff and we're definitely not so fancy unless we're having company.
It's not that we have 2 kids and it's too much for people. Because these people invite families with more kids than us on a regular basis. and my kids play really nicely with all of theirs.
I'd like to be invited for the company aspect for sure.
I enjoy being social and my kids always want to eat out (or have company, but rather eat out I'm sure).
It gives us a chance to get out of the house and spend time with others, which we all enjoy.

busymom

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 10:06 pm

November wrote:

How about calling a family and offering to have a meal together and split the preparation?

I'm doing this with a family member, so that our families get to spend time together for one of the meals without it getting overwhelming for either one of us.

But here's a question: why must you (and the pp who had guest the first Shabbos after giving birth(!) and others who feel overwhelmed) have guests when you're not up for it? There were times when I did a lot of hosting, but now that my own family is growing, and definitely when I was before/after giving birth, I just didn't invite anyone and kept things simple. As much as I wanted the company, I didn't want the pressure of having to prepare for a crowd. Why are you hosting guests when it is not convenient for you? Only you can take care of you, and YOU and your family come before anyone else.

Raisin

Wed, Oct 08 2014, 5:35 am

Its part of our job to have guests. Dh is a shul rabbi. Of course, I would never invite guests pp, they were in shul and dh invited them home. Should I have told them to leave? Rolling Eyes

In any case, generally I like having guests. (luckily...) We do try and have guests only one meal on shabbos, so its not too overwhelming.