abused child cannot fall asleep

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:48 am

OP again. Amazing amazing comments, thank you all so much! I just wanted to reassure you that I do have a psychologist coming to advise me soon...but not soon enough! So your advice is precious right now.

She's also not eating. On Shabbat, she loved the hummus, but I can't believe I'm going to admit this, all I could get her to eat today was a little bread and finally, homemade chocolate chip cookies. She's gobbling those up. But anything real, forget it.

And she keeps doing this weird screaming thing. Our nerves are rattled. Feel free to daven for her and us, too.

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 8:08 am

Op here. I'm convinced, I'll cut down on the nap and try to phase it out. I have other kids, older and younger. She's already bent my DD's glasses, twice. She can't be trusted to play nicely because she's truly like a little tornado. She spins with her hands out, stacks toys up then demolishes them, takes one toy as a hammer and bangs and bangs on the other toys. All the while screeching these little screeches at two second intervals. She also flaps her hands a bit. And lays face down on the floor covering her face up. Maybe she's on the autism spectrum? I know very little about that.

abound

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 8:17 am

You sound amazing!

Till the psychologist comes, I suggest that you do not do anything that you would normally do for a regular child. She is not ready for normal sleep schedules or healthy eating habits. Your objective at this point should be to give her comfort and security. No CIO. No force feeding. No discipline just lots of love!! It does not matter if her physical diet is cake and candy all day, right now it is an emergency situation, her emotional diet must be met and that includes a safe and secure place
I also suggest that if your children need a break than send them out with a sitter and have some alone time with this little girl. Or either you or your husband take out the kids and the other one spend some time holding this child.

May Hashem return your kindness with nachas from your children.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 10:33 am

My foster son used to do head-banging in the beginning. It was the scariest thing I ever saw in my life, when the day after he came he just sat down on the kitchen floor and started banging his head against the ceramic tile. For two weeks I didn't let him into the kitchen (the rest of my house is carpeted) as I was afraid he would hurt himself. After that he stopped and never head-banged again. I think it was a behavior he may have used to try to get attention. When he realized he would get enough attention, no head-banging required, he stopped.

So it's quite possible that these behaviors will stop when she has gotten enough normal love, care, and attention.

Ditto to the feeding. For now, let her eat whatever keeps her alive. I'll admit that meals were a challenge for the entire 3 1/1 years he was with us, but eventually he generally ate normally but was a picky child who ate cheerios and milk whenever he didn't want what was being served. The advice I was given was that so long as it wasn't jellybeans sustaining him, let him have cereal. Many kids are picky, and have erratic eating habits, and they often outgrow these later on.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 11:49 am

Yes, she needs evaluation for autism.

You may need professional support for caring for her, not just us.

Think a bit about her not affecting your other kids negatively. They are your first responsibility.

You might make sure there are a lot of pillows around her so she can pound them harmlessly and fall onto them.

Music sounds like a very good idea.

You might give her a strongly constructed but friendly textured and friendly faced stuffed animal for her very own. She may need something that is her personal property. She will put it through all sorts of things, that is expected. She can have two, to have them "interact". The other kids must be shown and know that these animals are not for them to touch.

miami85

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 6:35 pm

amother wrote:

I work as an EI therapist, and I had a similar case last year--neglect, foster care, out of control behaviors.

A couple of things I can add:
1)This child is not used to routine and structure, it will take several weeks for her to acclimate to any sort of routine, structure, rules etc. In the meantime, she will test the limits of everything, so being patient and understanding of where she is coming from is key
2)While it can't hurt to get her evaluated for EI--at least for more support, and I don't know what was going on in her previous home, but it may not be as drastic as ASD, she may be suffering from lack of attention and poor play skills. Do you know anything about her prenatal care?

MaBelleVie

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:36 pm

amother wrote:

It's common for symptoms of PTSD to mimic autism or mental health disorders. Play therapy is definitely in order, and see where things go. Yasher kochachem Smile

heidi

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 9:37 pm

OP, you are amazing! May you be rewarded in kind by Hashem.
I am not sure that any evaluation done on this child would be of any value right now. She is so traumatized, not only by life events but also by being cut off from her parents (yes, father too--it's the only thing she knows and she probably misses even him), that it would color the results of any evaluation. In other words, the examiner wouldn't be able to distinguish what symptoms are from where.
I don't know where you live, but are there any ganim or preschool programs you could try for a few hours a week. Obviously sit with her till she gets used to it, but it might give her some much needed distraction and activity and you a much needed break.
Like everyone else said, please don't let her cry it out at night. . . Maybe a cute video or some tv before bedtime would lull her into happy dreams?

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 10:20 pm

Last night was so much better. DH sat holding her for like an hour with the lights low, watching a children's music video. When he put her down in her crib, she fussed but wasn't hysterical. He needed a few minutes (to use the bathroom!) and grab his kindle to prepare to sit with her for a long time, so he left her door wide open so she could see us (I was busy with the baby). Anyway, when he went back to her, she was laying down but fussing, and was asleep in about ten minutes. B"H!!

greenfire

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 4:37 am

amother wrote:

thank god - she just needs that tlc while she adjusts - your husband sounds amazing too !!!

Lady Bug

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 6:21 am

As a mother of a normal 2 1/2 year old, I can tell you the basics that work for this age, regardless of the abuse (it's called terrible twos for a reason!)

1. If she takes a 3 hour nap, that's ok, but then bedtime can't start before 8:30-9. I like napping my daughter because she still needs it, but I try to cut it off to 1 1/2 hour tops, with a 7:00 bedtime.

2. At this age, my kids are afraid of the dark, or of the shadows caused by the night light, so keep that in mind. Also, I leave her bedroom door open so she knows that she can come to me in middle of the night, and doesn't feel locked in.

3. Whatever they eat, as long as it's not pure junk, counts. Cookies are pretty nutritious when put on that spectrum. Also, for your kid, spoil her a little with her favorite foods, even if they are not the most nutritious.

4. Validate and name her feelings. Regarding the yelling, my daughter does that too sometimes, and it's because she doesn't know how to express her feelings. So I model the correct behavior without commenting on her yelling - like I'll say, "I'm upset because baby took away my toy" " I'm frustrated that I can't close my shoes" "I'm happy that I have this new toy" "mommy please can I have a candy" etc. I just rephrase it the correct way and she really is starting to phase out the yelling. This also validates her feelings at the same time. For validating: your scared of the dark, I'll open a light

5. I agree don't cry it out. Not at least until she is secure in your love. Just fyi, some kids have a hard time falling asleep with someone in the room. I know my daughter does. So I do a bedtime routine, sit in bed with her amd hold her for a few minutes, (maybe give a bottle for yours?) And then I leave her in the room with the door slightly open and with a little night light. My daughter takes a paci, and we shop for it together so she can choose her own, and it's very comforting for her. I have a musical book that she plays with on her own until she falls asleep. I found DVD s to be too stimulating and I couldn't leave her with it since she pushed too many buttons.