Playgroup teacher's child is bullying mine - WTD?

amother

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 9:57 pm

My 3 year-old ds has come home a few times already with big scratches - the most recent one a nice-size bleeding one on his face. When I ask him what happens, he tells me that his morah's son scratched him. Her 2 sons come home from school a little before playgroup ends. When he came home with a scratch (from her son) the time before that, I asked his morah if she saw what happened and she said that unfortunately as much as she's watching the kids these things can still happen if she turns around for a second. I do agree with that but it bothers me that she has no idea that her son did it.

Her 2 sons are 1-2 years older than mine and are both very wild and aggressive, I've seen it with my own eyes. I really don't think my son is instigating anything - while he might hit a kid in his playgroup occasionally (sometimes because someone hit him first or other times because they have something he wants), he is on the whole a more quiet kid and does not start up with kids older and bigger than him.

How do I approach her about this? She seems to have no idea that 1 or both of her kids are bullying mine. It's a really awkward situation and I don't want her to think I'm attacking her. At the same time, this needs to be taken care of ASAP, it really angers and hurts me to see him come home hurt.

momX4

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:02 pm

Is there an assistant in the playgroup? Have a conversation with her first to get the facts right and then approach the teacher.

Dont talk about blame, talk about finding a solution to the problem. Maybe her kids should have a snack and activity prepared for them in a different room.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:02 pm

There is no cure for this but time, and even that may not cure it.

In the meanwhile, guess who will be living with a fearful, bitter, aggressive, anxious, brutalized child?

Why, you, unless you put your kid somewhere else.

I am sorry to say something so inconvenient but there just have to be other places, one hopes.

Not that nothing every happens between kids. But all the time every time? No, not acceptable. This is a fixed pattern and is going to continue.

The lady isn't incompetent; she means well, but she can't see or control everything.

The next one might simply have gentler-natured children, or no quite young children.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:04 pm

I think this is a two step process.

Step 1. Sit down with her and give her the facts, calmly. "Last Monday, Shloimie came hme with a big scratch on his face. He said that Avromie did it. On Friday, he said that Avromie hit him. What can we do about this problem?"

Step 2. Start looking for a new playgroup ASAP. The morah should be on top of the safety of her charges at all times, and that is her #1 job. This scene should never have happened, and it has happened more than once. Put your DS first, and get him out of there.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:12 pm

It is the nature of these kids. OP has said they are aggressive kids.

Obviously there is jealousy when the mother takes in other kids

Nobody but nobody can see absolutely everything all the kids are doing to each other and stop all of it.

The kids are so little they have no idea of right and wrong.

OP's kid is significantly smaller than these kids.

This is not an acceptable situation.

You don't go endangering the vision of a child.

If his face bleeds, his eyes might bleed next time. Scratched cornea. Or more. Not good.

amother

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:34 pm

OP

There is no assistant.

My son is very matter-of-fact about it and does not seem upset about it. He does not seem traumatized about it at all. He does not act scared when he sees these kids.That being said, OF COURSE I am going to make this situation stop. I was actually thinking more in terms of taking him home at regular dismissal time instead of extended hours, that way he will never have any opportunity to see those 2 kids. If I had to take him out of playgroup I would, however I'm afraid that any playgroup willing to take him in midyear may be sub-par. In general he seems to be happy at this playgroup and so I don't know what to do.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:37 pm

OK, that sounds like a plan, taking home at regular time, or even fifteen minutes before that, to do a good job of it.

So why are you still wondering if it's ok to leave him there? Doesn't that solve everything?

amother

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:48 pm

OP

Dolly - Because it bothers me that I have to take him home earlier because of what someone else is doing wrong. It makes things a lot easier for him to stay that extra hour, because I work from home during that time. If I have to then I'll work it out somehow, it's not impossible. If I just take him out 15 minutes earlier, even so why am I paying full price for the extra hour if I'm not getting the full hour? I don't think the teacher would agree to a reduced rate.

Also, whatever I do I still need to bring up the issue with her, and while I want to come across as firm, I don't want to put her on the defense. Or somehow have her be upset at my son for this.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 10:59 pm

People move. Or their family life changes. There are midyear openings in good playgroups for many legitimate reasons. You'll never know if you don't look.

Your idea of taking your DS out earlier seems like a fine stopgap measure until you have a better place. But I hope it won't prevent you from a) telling her nicely any time you DS comes home scratched or injured; and b) looking for a safer alternative.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Dec 06 2014, 11:07 pm

I don't think bringing it up again - you already did! - will serve the slightest purpose. She told you plainly she can't do anything about it one little bit, so what is the use? These are who her kids are.

As for anybody doing anything wrong, her kids are being kids. Aggessive kids, who aren't suitable playmates for a younger one without very close supervision. And that isn't available here, it just isn't.

So wondering what to say to her, and how to say it nicely and effectively, is, for me, a non-issue. I wouldn't say anything.

Listen to Imasinger; find another place or pick him up early; this is the way it is. I am assuming that if you pick him up early, there won't BE any more face slashing.

Have faith: the next place will be closer to home, cheaper, nicer, and you will use them for years and years.

YOU too will be affected with worry and misery if you stay with this one.

I emphasize that this situation is not especially horrible, it just isn't suitable for your particular child. It might be fine for an older child who was more aggressive himself.

Although I am not crazy about the sound of it I must confess.

imasinger

Sun, Dec 07 2014, 7:46 am

Bumping this so that I doesn't get buried under today's big drama.

A child is learning all kinds of things in playgroup. If the morah's own kids are bullying yours, what does that say? What kind of messages or role model behaviors are your DS learning from? How might this carry over to other kids in your family?

Our children depend on us. Almost everything else comes after that.

Ruchel

Sun, Dec 07 2014, 2:29 pm

You will need confrontation. From her reaction you'll see if she's working on it, unaware and horrified, or meh. You have to know. My dd had a problem with a kid who was the director's grandchild. I talked to the mora anyway ad she intervened.

Miri1

Mon, Dec 08 2014, 2:42 am

Picking him up early also doesn't stop your son from encounters that may take place if the Morah's kids are home from school for whatever reason.
Also, I don't know how many kids are in her charge, but I would be concerned that there is no assistant (and this is a great demonstration of why she needs one). As others have said, look for a new playgroup, spots do become available mid-year.