do people see any value in sahm anymore

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 4:01 am

This thread is really really bothering me. What is wrong with you people?
Seriosuly? you're all wondering what a SAHM does at home all day? Especially if her kids are in school?
And what if she does the laundry and cooks so that she's focused solely on the kids when they come home? What if she watches a movie? why does that make her look bad? who are YOU to judge? Do you not with you could just watch a movie or do NOTHING for an hour daily?

And to answer the OP- I admire SAHMs. I find it really hard to stay home with the kids, to find fullfilment in that only. On the days I do, I find that I'm a better mom in the afternoon.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 4:35 am

We are our own worst enemies. Insteafd of being happy being home we look fr more and more work. I see my friends who need to work and how exhasuted they are at the end of the day and how they miss their kids and say they miss out on so much and it makes me sad that the women who choose to be at home are being put down.
You are not supposed to ask what do these SAHMs do all day, we are supposed to say how on earth are those working moms doing it all and how we wish for them to be able to do a bit less.
Have you not read enough posts here on imamother saying how hard it is to do it all?
Please respect those who channel their strength towards their own homes.
I have tremendous respect towards working moms but not MORE respect than I have towards SAHMs.
Its like saying that you have more respect towards a poor person than a rich one. Sure, the poor has a harder life and may juggle much more but that deosn't make him better.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 6:05 am

I was a SAHM from right before my second was born until my youngest started kindergarten. It was hard work! I'm now working outside the home again because I have a professional degree and like the chance to help others and problem solve at work, and because we need the money. My outside the home work is easier than my SAHM work because there are breaks built into the day, people appreciate what you do, and you don't have to wear a million hats at once.

If I were still a SAHM now that my kids are all in school, my family would eat better, and the house would run more smoothly and there it would be a calmer environment. I admire people who do that. My own mother did and I didn't appreciate at the time what a difference it made, but now I sure do. I'm surprised to hear you say that SAHMs with school-aged kids aren't doing anything. First of all, do you have to work work work hard all day in order to have value? That's not a Torah view. But the reality is that SAHMs with bigger kids do work hard all day and they create a warm, nurturing environment for their family, and that is so beautiful, and halevai more people could have that option.

the world's best mom

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 7:01 am

I think every case is individual, and you never know if a woman who stays home while her kids are in school is really wasting her time or using it well.

Regarding women with small children at home, I think it is a priceless gift for the children if she can stay home with them.

The lack of structure was a problem for me too, but once my second kid was born, we had too much structure- at least one appointment a day for a few months straight. My kids had a lot of therapy, which provided some nice structure for us.

boysrus

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 8:30 am

Emotional wrote:

Why is anyone so busy wondering what other people do with their time? Maybe she has a chronic health condition that she doesn't want to talk about. Maybe she is still trying to find herself. Or maybe whatever! She doesn't owe you an explanation!

I think you misunderstood me, emotional. I wrote that I am very curious about what she does with her time. That is because I cannot imagine how I would fill my day if all my kids were out from 8 am until 4.30pm, especailly if I had cleaning help. and of course I am just a teensy weensy bit jealous if I may say so, because I wish I had time to myself, and cleaning help.It is precisely becasue she is evasive that I am so curious, I always worry if she is sick or somebody in the fmily has health problems. part of my reason for posting this was to see if anyone else could tell me what she could be doing all day. If nobody has any possible answers for me then I will have to continue worrying about her... And I NEVER said that she owed me an explanation. She is a neihgbor and a close friend so I think I am allowed to wonder and politely ask her what she does to fill her day, becasue I cannot imagine what she could possibly do all day.
Chill

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:10 am

I am a sahm with a 2yr old and a baby, its really hard! I also nurse on demand and my baby wont take a bottle (a result of me never really having to leave her!) so I hardly ever get alone, adult, fulfilling outings! however even thought there are days I dont feel it, my kids are getting the best start on life being home with ME:)
everyone says, im such a great, hands on and relaxed mother...But what they dont know is that half the time I wish I can run away!
I think that is just part of the emotional and physical toll of motherhood!
my job definitely feels easier when I hear people actually support and appreciate the effort that being a sahm takes!

mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:14 am

boysrus wrote:

As a sham who's kids are in school till four o clock, I can tell you that there is plenty to do all day. It might just be different then the things you do all day. My daily life is probably easier then yours too. At least it's admirable of you to own up to the fact that you are jealous.

Last edited by mommy3b2c on Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:15 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:14 am

Im a sahm. I wasnt always, but then 2 of my children developed health problems, which meant I was often called to the school to pick them up. It was very stressful for me because my husband works very far so he wasnt able to go and I would have to find cover at work etc. Sometimes it was multiple times a week. The stress of it all really got to me and I developed health issues of my own. The health issues are not something I'm comfortable telling others about for my childrens sake so noone other than dh and my childrens teachers know about it. So I left work and became a sahm with no children at home..
Now when people ask me what I do all day, yes I am evasive. But I know for myself I am a much calmer mother, have more time for my children, and yes sometimes I just sit and chill for a bit. Why is that a problem?
And remarkably my childrens health issues have subsided dramatically, although I do feel I still need to be on call.
Hope this answers your curiosity.

Emotional

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:20 am

boysrus wrote:

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. Maybe it pushed some buttons for me, that's all. As time goes by I am learning more and more that people are different, their lives are different, and it's common (but still wrong) to examine another person's life through the microscope of one's own experiences.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:23 am

Okay, since you're fishing so hard, I'll give the answer you're looking for. I'm a SAHM with one baby and I have cleaning help 3 hours a week.

I'm addicted to the internet and I'm depressed because I do much less with my life than all my friends who have jobs. I want, more than anything, to do something significant with my life but I'm in a rut and I don't have the willpower to get out.

There you have it. Now you can feel better about yourselves.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:27 am

I know someone else who hasn't worked in years - her kids are all married - because her ADHD is so severe, even with medication, that not only is she unable to hold down a job, but even if she does, everything else in her life would fall apart. She is extremely depressed about it and her self-esteem is in the sub-basement. She is seeing a therapist who told her that she's got to reach a level of self-acceptance because she is doing what she is capable of doing. But get friends' questions and comments ("But what do you do with yourself all day?") really make her feel judged.

goodmorning

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:42 am

causemommysaid wrote:

I agree. its those "SAHM"s who make the real ones look lazy and unaccomplished.

I think they shouldn't be called the same thing. call them SAHW (stay at home woman) or something. they are not mothering their kids for the 7 hours a day that they are in school.

obviously everyone has a right to their own choices and not working doesn't mean lazy. I just think it's unfair to mothers who are home with little ones to pretend you are doing the same thing.

They used to be call "housewives." When did that term go out of style?

Ruchel

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:54 am

boysrus wrote:

I have a neighbor whose youngest kid is 8 years old. She is a SAHM. When I ask her (only politely, never accusingly of course) how she fills her time, she is very noncomittal. I sometimes wonder if she secretly works for the FBI because she always seems to deflect the question very well. The only things she ever tells me is that she works out and always has 'tons of appointments'. And she has cleaning help every. single. day. It is not easy to avoid jealousy, when I am back at work with a two month old baby and am juggling so much, being a mother to a bunch of wonderful kids Bli ayin hara, cleaning (cant afford help), cooking , laundry, grocery shopping. So what do you think my neighbor really does all day? I am so curious about this! Do u think that other people also wonder what she does all day? or is it just me?

Of course she doesn't answer, you judge!

Maybe she is sick. Low energy. Pregnant. Or simply enjoying life. If her money is honest why not.

staten islander

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 10:04 am

My youngest is in preschool. I am SAHM. I do work one day a week and I do have cleaning help on that day. I am very blessed to have the time during the day to cook, shop for food, clean, do laundry, run errands.My youngest comes home at 3, I play with her until my older kids come, and then we do HW, arts and crafts, etc. I do feel guilty for having this luxury, but BH we can afford it, while paying full tuition and not being on any programs

SJcookie

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 10:08 am

My mother was a stay at home mother, and she is one of the least lazy people that I know. I was her youngest, and here was her schedule:
She would wake up at 6 am (sometimes earlier) every morning and make me a fresh breakfast and pack my lunch. She would wake me up and often dress me in bed (when I was too tired to get out), and drive me to school. Then go grocery shopping, clean the house (our home was always spotless with shining floors), do laundry, run whichever errands she needed to, and make sure I had a fresh, nutritious, hot lunch when I came home. She would also volunteer for various organizations.
Until I was 13 years old, she would pick me up from the bus stop. Every single day.
I was always greeted with a warm hug and kiss. She would sit with me while I would eat the delicious lunch she cooked and would ask me about my day, listen to my troubles, and never tell me any of her complaints.

She did that every single day.

As we were growing up, she told us various times that she was stupid for not working. She encouraged my sisters and me to attend ivyleague colleges, so that we don't make the same "mistake" that she did. Now, in her late 60s, she has told me that feels like a nothing, who wasted many years.

It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Mom, don't you realize how happy I was to come home to you? How much it meant to me that you were there - it was you. And no one else.

I have so much disdain for anyone who has made her feel like a nothing for doing her G-d given mission of raising children.
What can you do...this is the generation we're living in Sad

(And yes, I think being a SAHM is ideal, unless it truly makes a woman suffer. I am a WAHM and am willing to compromise on thousands of extra a month just so I can be home with my children.)

Last edited by SJcookie on Thu, Apr 07 2016, 3:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 10:48 am

I was a SAHM with a very part-time job when my oldest was small, then increased hours (in a different job) as our family and expenses grew. I am now a part-time WAHM with one child home and the others in school. I love that I have the best parts of staying home (flexible hours, I work around appointments, nap time, sick days, grocery shopping, cooking etc. and am available for my children when they need me) but I also have the stresses of working.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Yes, it's hard for me to make sure I get my job done. Yes, it's hard that I have less time and energy for my kids than I did as a (mostly) full-time SAHM. But I love it, and most importantly I have a career that I can advance when all of my kids are in school, iy"H.

See, my mother was a SAHM with full-time (at some times live-in) cleaning help and a small family. She was an awesome mom. Completely focused on us. Cooked elaborate meals. Had all the time in the world for us. Volunteered in our schools. I had a terrific childhood.

But now we're all grown and out of the house, with families of our own, and she has NOTHING TO DO. Nothing except get too involved in our lives, which has alienated her from some of my siblings and created strain on the rest of us. Nothing to do except go shopping for things she doesn't need and go on the occasional lunch date with a friend. She won't even volunteer anymore, I don't know why. None of her kids live locally. And she won't admit it, but her life is very empty and I feel sorry for her.

Also, now that I (and my siblings) look back at our upbringing, there was an unhealthy dynamic when we were kids too. My mom was too focused on us (as she is now) and we were smothered. We never had a chance to be free and be ourselves. Now it's just worse because there is literally nothing to fill her days with - not cleaning (she still has full-time help), not childcare, not a job or a hobby, and she NEEDS us to make her feel useful. It is not a healthy relationship.

Sorry for the megillah.

tl;dr: I respect SAHMs. I am a SAHM. I think they're terrific. But if you're a SAHM, for your own sake and your kids' sake, find yourself something in your life besides for your kids.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 10:53 am

I am a SAHM and my youngest is 3, in school till 3. It is the most annoying thing when people "wonder" or hint me that they "wonder" what I do all day.
I don't have cleaning help. Do you know what the house looks like after my kids leave to school?! Who cleans up after breakfast, puts back all misplaced things all over the house, washes laundry, dries/hangs them, folds, packs it away, cleans toilets and floors (almost daily), shops, cooks dinner, run errands, goes to appointments with or without kids (at least once a week) all in 5 hours?! Ok occasionally I'll have an extra hour to shop for myself or do something I enjoy- but are you jealous?! Well maybe you get this boost/good feeling when you do something at work and people actually acknowledge your hard work, or that quiet hour you can enjoy, browsing online while sipping a coffee at work?
Maybe your husband helps out at home? (Mine works 12 hours a day)- what is YOUR luxury?