do people see any value in sahm anymore

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 2:11 pm

SRS wrote:

People who cannot understand how someone can fill a day must not have much going on.

(OP)

Not necessarily

I have wondered how sahm's with grown kids fill their days. Just a natural curiosity. So, for example, if a sahm with grown kids would tell me:

Mornings I'm up at 6:30 to send off my first kid
I go to the gym at 9 AM
I do housework from 10:30 til lunch, like 1 PM
I go out for lunch with friends
Then I run errands til about 3
Then I go home and make supper

Or whatever
I would find that really cool and good
Being curious doesn't mean I take issue with it
In fact- l'hepech- maybe I actually want to model myself after them
I think it's good to take life tips from others

Especially for sahm's, I think learning from other sahm's how to make it work is essential. Many sahm's need advice as to how to structure their days

Tablepoetry

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 2:12 pm

I don't think people no longer see value in being a sahm. It's just that people tend to most respect and look up to those that achieve the most. It's a goal-oriented society. So a mom who also climbs the career ladder will be more respected than one who is 'just' a mom.

Personally, I could easily fill my days if I were a SAHM, even though all my kids are already at school. As others have said, there's no mitzvah in being frazzled. There is so much to do when you run a household, so many errands and so on....just think, if you have 7 hours of kids out at school, you could spend 1 hour cleaning (dishes, laundry), 1-2 hrs errands/shopping/appointments, 1 hour cooking, and that's already more than half your time taken up. Go to the gym (minimum1.5 hours, if you include getting there and back), eat something, etc, and the day is gone. That's without any deep cleaning (so even a SAHM with a cleaning lady is pretty busy).
Also, don't forget a mother with older kids is busy in the afternoon/evening, ferrying them around, helping with homework, etc, so she needs to take some down time earlier in the day.

Of course many working moms do all the above and work f/t, but they are frazzled, and something has to give.

Emotional

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 2:51 pm

boysrus wrote:

Ruchel dear, looks who is judging who! You are judging me! Where did you get the impression that I am judging her? I am not judging her in any way at all! As I wrote, I am curious, I wonder what she does during her day. I said I am a little jealous, I did not say I am judging her or thinking badly of her at all. chas v'sholom. That is SO not my style, I really am not at all a judgemental type of person. I have an ayin tovah BH I see the good in others and do not say bad about anyone ever BH. Just curious, just wondering, but NOT judging. Please dont judge ME negatively. You are hurting my feelings.
Posters seem to be attacking people like me who have the chutzpah (apparently it is a chutpah anyway not that I had realized) to wonder about others life. Since when is it a crime to just be curious and wonder? This thread seems to be striking a raw nerve where posters feel attacked on both sides. Why cant we just discuss our daily lives without attacking each other?

BoysRus, maybe it was the way you worded it, saying that she is "noncommital" in her answers and it makes you wonder if she works for the FBI, that she has cleaning help "Every. Single. Day." etc.
You probably didn't mean to come across this way, but your choice of wording made it come across that you were putting this woman under cross-examination, even if only in your mind. People do that to me (and I'm still home with a baby and a toddler!) asking me in detail how I fill my day, and it doesn't feel good. Like I have to justify how much or how little I get done. Nobody appreciates that, even if you only meant to make conversation.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 5:15 pm

I'm a SAHM who does not have heart disease, cancer or depression b'h and still say home by myself. (Do not look at every lady who stays home as having some sort of major catasrophe) My youngest is 4 and in playgroup .

I get her out by 9:15 and then daven
I go walking around the lake for an hour, which eats up an hour and a half (getting there, back showering)
At this point it's slightly past 11.
I run errands so that on Sunday I do not have to drag my kids anywhere. Think library, grocery, Costco, walmart etc.
prepare supper
clean up
I volunteer for my kids school, organize family sheva brochos, chanuka parties etc because everyone else works.
I'm the one who is available to visit Grandpa, drive my friend to the hospital to visit her sick husband and make a meal for the one who just had a baby.
I go to the bank, dry cleaners and for the oil change. My husband is not available at all to help (someone has to make the money).
Is do I live a leisure lifestyle? absolutely. And I love it!

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 5:48 pm

boysrus wrote:

I have a neighbor whose youngest kid is 8 years old. She is a SAHM. When I ask her (only politely, never accusingly of course) how she fills her time, she is very noncomittal. I sometimes wonder if she secretly works for the FBI because she always seems to deflect the question very well. The only things she ever tells me is that she works out and always has 'tons of appointments'. And she has cleaning help every. single. day. It is not easy to avoid jealousy, when I am back at work with a two month old baby and am juggling so much, being a mother to a bunch of wonderful kids Bli ayin hara, cleaning (cant afford help), cooking , laundry, grocery shopping. So what do you think my neighbor really does all day? I am so curious about this! Do u think that other people also wonder what she does all day? or is it just me?

Surprise. Maybe she's home all day suffering from anxiety and can do very little and wishes she doesn't have all that cleaning help and that she can work.

amother

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 7:13 pm

I'm a sahm with a 2 yr old home cuz we can't afford child care. My 4 year old comes home around 2:30 and 3 olders come home 4ish. On good days I rest up, take care of the house etc. On other days I walk around crying from boredom, lack of structure, mountains of housework that don't seem to end... I have ADHD and mood disorder and just can't figure out how to get my act together. Some nights we have really good dinners, other nights we are happy with eggs/toast/pasta etc.
on the outside I always paste on a smile and no one would know the wiser. I think everyone just has to do what works for them. Yes, my sis in laws are jealous and mil is resentful, but you have to do what works for you!

SRB

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 8:49 pm

I'm a SAHM. I have a 10 month old. I thank HaShem ever day that I'm able to be at home and focus on raising my child. I have a university degree and worked full time in the corporate world for many years (I'm an "older" mother) before quiting my job, a week before giving birth. I miss aspects of working outside of the home and expect to return to "other" work when my baby is not at home with me all day (financially its challenging with less income) but for now there is no place I would rather be than with him. I think my coworkers respected the fact that I was choosing to be a sham when I left. I often get asked if I "work" (meaning outside of the home)... I simply say raising my baby is my full time job. I feel like people respect me when I say that, sometimes maybe envious, but I know it's not for everyone. I have only one baby at home but we keep busy! I'm a very active mom with him - library, parks, museum, music, swimming, ect. I'm not watching tv and out shopping (except for groceries) or even very social - my days are spent giving my son a very rich childhood. As I said its my full time job. And I thank HaShem for this blessing. I feel like people respect my choice or maybe it's that I'm confident in my choice so I don't dwell on any opposition. Each family has to do what works for them.

bnm

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:10 pm

I have 2 kids. I worked full time till the first one was born. Second one needed tons of therapy and as someone mentioned the public school schedule is a bit nutty especially for EI Centerbased therapy- they get a 2 hour slot during the day so he would have a therapist in the house every morning, then the bus would come pick him up, take him to the center and bring him home. after traveling and everything it was about 4.5 hours a day and we where thrilled that he got approved for 5 days a week, some kids only get 2 days. By the time he got home my other one was home too. in the 4 hours he was gone I had to eat a full meal, make any phone calls I needed for the day- I couldn't use the phone with him around, relax a bit and run any important errands. This year both kids are out of the house before 9, the younger one gets home at 3 but he developed sleep apnea at one point and wakes me a few times each night so I usually need a nap to function and I'm having a difficult pregnancy. also appointments.... I made a list of specialists the other day and he has seen more than 10 different ones in the 3.5 years since he was born, 2-3 of them have to be every 3 months, Wic appointments, well visits, evaluations, days off from school- they follow the public school calendar, it all adds up. A day where I get the kids onto the bus on time, I make a few phonecalls, a few loads of laundry and have a fresh supper prepared is considered a successful day and I feel acomplished.

imaima

Thu, Dec 11 2014, 9:11 pm

amother wrote:

People with older kids usually have elderly parents or their own ailments.

little_mage

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 4:08 am

I fell into being a SAHM by default. I never planned it, and never thought I'd like it, although I do. Sometimes I do feel depressed that I'm not contributing to the family income, but then I think about what it would cost if we paid someone one to do what I'm doing. A couple of years ago I saw an article that set it all out about what you'd pay someone to do a lot of the tasks that SAHPs do, and it came out to about $100,000 a year. Now, admittedly, they probably would do things better then I do (I'd be upset if I paid someone to do things the way I do, I confess), but it's still important to realize that I am making a real contribution, even if it can be hard to quantify.

nyer1

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 5:21 am

I'm going to say something very bold that a lot of people are going to get angry for but I really can't help it.

I definitely see the value in being a SAHM. in a perfect world, we would ALL stay home and raise our babies because after all, who does it better than the mommy?

BUT…

in today's day (at least in America), between tuition, cost of kosher food, cost of living near major cities (like the tri state area), MOST of us, unless our husbands make a HUGE salary or we are living off of MAJOR yerusha, MOST of us simply can't afford it, without taking SOME sort of help from SOMEWHERE… and that INCLUDES yeshiva tuition breaks.

unfortunately, I think being a SAHM is a LUXURY, and not everyone can afford to do it. but some people do it anyway, and that bothers me.

edited to add…

of course there are extenuating circumstances. health issues etc etc. I just feel as though there are women out there that can't REALLY afford to do it , but stay home anyway. it makes me feel frustrated because of course I would love to stay home too but we both work in order to pay our bills

don't get angry. it's my opinion. thanks.

Emotional

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 7:22 am

nyer1 wrote:

I think OP was talking about how people view a woman who stays home with her kids by choice - finances aside. Meaning if money was totally not an issue.

Ema of 5

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 8:53 am

nyer1 wrote:

You had me until the bolded. If someone makes that choice it's none of your business it's none of anyone's business what someone else's financial situation is, or what choices they make based on their finances. I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. I miss being a stay at home mom so much!!! Why does it bother you that someone someone chooses to stay home even when it's financially challenging for them?

nyer1

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 9:03 am

eema of 3 wrote:

when people are SAHMs when they can otherwise be working and they so easily get tuition assistance or government programs and I'm the struggling middle class who doesn't get anything and pay full tuition, then yes. it bothers me.

saw50st8

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 9:07 am

Fox wrote:

This is *so* true, and it often goes unsaid because Imamother skews young.

I find older children to be far, far more time-consuming than younger children. And the amount of focus needed can't be compared -- it takes a lot of finesse and careful coaching with older kids. Younger kids tend to need more straightforward caretaking.

Add to that, the fact that Mom herself is older and perhaps a bit less energetic by the time the kids are teenagers.

I see this changing and my oldest is only 6! His needs are far more complex; his social development is a lot harder than "how do we share nicely?" There are so many more nuances that they need. Homework is infringing on bedtime. My kids are in bed usually by 7:30! It will be really hard once they stay up later.

saw50st8

Fri, Dec 12 2014, 9:09 am

eema of 3 wrote:

The money has to come from somewhere. Most of the time, tuition is raised to cover scholarships given. A relative of mine once told me that if they need to raise tuition $300, they actually ask for $450 to cover the increased gap from scholarship students.