SIL inviting herself for shabbos. Mikvah Friday night. WWYD?

luppamom

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:54 am

amother wrote:

OP. So she is from out of town but not that out of town that she can't come another week (about four hour trip). She in a program a little farther away this year and will likely only see the baby on holidays (Purim and pesach coming up) for this year. We did not say no last time it didn't work out on her end. Also, I don't want to push off mikvah. 48 hours is an incredibly long time for me. I'm fairly newliwed and really struggle with this mitzvah. I also work crazy hours making the 12 days Im left with more like 6. Also, dh was going to walk with me. I'm not offering to walk alone. I was liking the beginning of this thread better lol when everyone was saying I should say no!

If that's how you feel, then do it! You can say no. I think we were thinking along the lines of a plane trip, possibly across an ocean! What about meeting her Motzei Shabbos w/ the baby and taking her out for ice-cream or if she can't leave the program, just come and say hi for a few mins.? That would probably mean a lot to her.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:59 am

luppamom wrote:

In a perfect world we'd be able to do that but I need to be up for work 5am Sunday so to drive an hour each way to see her sat night may be a bit much.

luppamom

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:02 am

amother wrote:

In a perfect world we'd be able to do that but I need to be up for work 5am Sunday so to drive an hour each way to see her sat night may be a bit much.

Just throwing out a suggestion as Shabbos is out early these days.

Another thing to consider, is DH close to her? What does he want you to do? You can ask him and see what he says (if you haven't already). Tell him it's hard for you. If he decides he wants her to come then I really think you should have her over. As other posters have said, it's not the end of the world. In a few yrs. you'll probably laugh at yourself! If he doesn't care, then let him tell her it's not a good week etc. I don't know his schedule and your baby's age, but maybe HE can bring DD and see SIL and you can have a break.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:10 am

"Hi Shpritzele! I'm just texting to let you know about shabbos - we're so excited that you're coming! My neighbor Hendellemirishira has a comfortable spare room for you, and insists that you don't give her any sort of gift for staying there because she needs a favor - she has to pop out after candlelighting and would be SO grateful if you could watch her kids for a short while - would you mind? Moishechaimshlomo and I tend to crash out early on Friday night because the weeks are so exhausting, especially with the baby disturbing us at night, but we can't wait to hang out with you in all the time we are awake! Please let me know your favourite foods so I can cook up a storm!

Lots of love
SIL"

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:13 am

luppamom wrote:

Dh does NOT want her here mikvah night! Thankfully were on the same page with that. I'd be quite hurt if it didn't mean anything to him.

JMM-uc

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:15 am

amother wrote:

Wow, this is perfect.

JMM-uc

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:33 am

amother wrote:

I agree. If she lives hours away, you need to host her with a smile and that's that. Otherwise you could damage your relationship forever.

Personally I would postpone mikva for a night or two, its not ideal but it would be the best option for me. BH your relationship with dh is stable and you will have your night in 48 hours rather than now. You will have the option of being together 12 nights this month instead of 14.
I know many sisters who would be terribly. offended if they werent hosted when coming from oot. Dont ruin everything for 48 hours.

This.

luppamom

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:39 am

amother wrote:

Dh does NOT want her here mikvah night! Thankfully were on the same page with that. I'd be quite hurt if it didn't mean anything to him.

Glad you are on the same page. So if you really want to say no, then have him do the dirty work. I don't get the second line. Maybe I'm married for too long? Wanting his sister to come does not contradict mikva meaning or not meaning s/t to him.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:41 am

JustMeMyself wrote:

This.

You're picking all the worst ones lol. It's not like she's coming from OOT for me. She happens to be here anyway. Why do I have to pay for the fact that it's convenient for her this week? Am I not entitled to the convenience factor??? How is that fair? I should probably make more of an effort to find a way to invite/host her on better weeks but giving up one of the two shabbosim a month I have with dh is too much to ask of me IMNSHO. We always have the issue of my small one bedroom apartment though and it's hard with having family out of town because we can't easily host them for shabbos.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:45 am

luppamom wrote:

He's the only one that has been in touch with her so far and he has no problem doing the dirty work. And wanting his sister to come meaning me pushing off mikvah tells me I'm not all that important after all. Yes, I know, maybe I'm a drama queen but I think he'd feel the same way if I wanted to push it off so we could have a guest we could conceivably have any other time.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 5:31 am

amother wrote:

Except that means finding a neighbor that needs her help and telling that neighbor about it instead.

Not as embarrassing as having the neighbor know AND in your apartment - and its solves all the other problems - and leaves the neighbor comfortable to maybe ask YOU a similar favor in the future!

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 5:50 am

You can do what you want. Just be aware that you are risking the relationship. Maybe she should be understanding, but many many young single sisters would be horrified if you said you can't host them in such a situation. She lives hours away!
So do as you please, just be aware theres a risk involved, even if you dont think its fair.

Barbara

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:06 am

amother wrote:

Ya think?

Sister in law lives 4 hours away.

She asked to come once before, was told yes (IIRC), then told no, it was just too hard for OP.

So now she's going to be in the area again. And they're going to tell her sorry, you can't come, we can't see you, and you can't see our baby. Again.

If I were the SIL, the message to me would be quite clear. Hey, I'm not the SIL, and the message is quite clear. We don't want you around. You're not part of our family.

And the pressure being put on OP's husband! OP makes clear that if SIL is around on Friday night, that is a sign to her that she isn't important to her husband. SIL would be gone anyway on Saturday night, but that's not good enough. The only way to show his love is to reject his sister.

(Ten to one that within the next two years, this OP is telling us how awful and cruel her inlaws are, that they love their DD -- the SIL -- and give her so much more than her and her kids. Without mentioning that she does everything in her power to keep them the h3ll out of her life.)

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:07 am

I don't see why it's a big deal to tell her you have to go out for a few minutes after licht bentching, and ask her if she can babysit. And I don't see what the big deal is about being with dh quietly while sil is sleeping on the couch. But, my kids are older and it's been a very long time since we had any semblance of privacy. I do remember being younger and mikvah night being a very big deal, as in dh would wear special clothes and we would set aside the whole evening to spend time with each other lol. When your kids are older you just don't have that luxury. I definitely think that if you say no it will hurt sil very much, and I think you should consider being more flexible this time. The vast majority of women have mikvah nights where there are other people in the house and not very much private time, and we make it work. You can do this.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:13 am

Tell her I'm soooo sorry but I must help a friend who just gave birth. We'd love to have you over though. Would you be able to watch the baby (or want to stay with DH while he watches the baby) after candle lighting? I should be back within 2 hours.
(hey, it's not a lie. You're your own friend, right? And you gave birth recently-- you have a baby!)

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:19 am

Barbara wrote:

She was told yes last time but it couldn't work on her end. And there are serious in law issues already having nothing to do with this but thats a different topic all together (go find the worst anon mil posts--lots are mine)

debsey

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:22 am

I would tread so carefully here. You have a SIL you almost never see. Is there some rupture in the relationship? You're going to have a lifetime of mikvah nights vs. a chance to make her feel welcome. Tell her in advance that you have to help out a friend going through an unspecified "hard time", can she watch the baby for you for a short time? You realize it's an imposition, but it would be a real help.

Invest in a noise machine.

And it's all good. If you hurt her now, you may reap years and years of bad blood. Not wise.