SIL inviting herself for shabbos. Mikvah Friday night. WWYD?

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:05 pm

mpk wrote:

If you are putting her up somewhere else to sleep what's the problem? Why don't you tell her you were looking for a babysitter as you needed to visit X and didn't want to take the baby out at night? Perfect opportunity for aunt and niece to bond.

IF we could find her a place (not so easy...most apartments in our complex only have one bedroom and I don't think she'd be comfortable staying alone in a vacant apartment) and IF dh is willing to have her that's what I'll have to do but it will be hard getting her to stay put and not try to tag along. Like I said, she's all for the adventure of meeting new people etc and doesn't take hints that it may not be the best idea etc.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:41 pm

I say your sholom bayis, sanity, peace of mind, happiness comes first. And I am really a very kind and giving person, and always have people over- but I would also be totally uncomfortable having someone over mikvah night. It's a personality thing. You have to do what's best for you and your mairrage- that's number one. It really is a sticky situation to be in tho... I totally feel for you! Can you make up some kind of excuse not to have her over? So hard! Good luck!!!
Whatever happens it will be good- you will get thru it...

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:00 pm

You got 5 pages worth of responses but I'm gonna add my two cents anyway. Reality: She's a girl. She's gonna go through the same situations one day iy"h. Make up excuses for you having to take a walk with dh. Go to bed early, send her with a stack of books/ magazines to her bed, most people go to bed early Friday night anyway. One day she'll get married and have an "aha!" moment, and she'll have had you as a wonderful role model to know what to do if she's in this situation.
I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but isn't this like leaving the 6th grade classroom hiding a sanitary napkin? We all gotta do it, that's life!
Hatzlacha with however this works out!

d l

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:18 pm

If you don't end up having her I think you can do that in the best way possible.

After your dh let's her know that this week is not going to work, you can make sure to call her too and chat and tell her you are so disappointed it can't work out this week, it would have been perfect cuz she is finally so close by. You really have to schedule another time cuz niece would love to see her aunt and it's been way too long! When else is good for her? Maybe one day you and dh and niece can even drive out to visit her! Etc Etc

You can put extra effort into your relationship with her and make her feel good and keep up the positive feelings while still not having her this week.

Instead of brainstorming ways to have her, brainstorm ways to keep her happy and keep a connection even though she will not understand and be disappointed that she can't come.

And mikvah night IS holy and shalom bayis and being together with your husband IS a holy and special thing!

allthingsblue

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:33 pm

Op, I completely understand your frustration!
If I was in that situation, I would probably have her over anyway. I would be really sad about losing out on a Shabbos of quality non-niddah time with DH, but I probably would feel even worse about saying no to SIL.
But you mention that your husband wants to say no, which is a different story. If he will also be upset about it, then maybe you should say no. Also, it sounds like preparing for Shabbos will be extremely stressful for you, since it's your first time going to mikvah on Shabbos, and you have a little baby around, and you don't mention whether DH will be on hand to help out. AND you work till midnight on Thursdays. Gee... that sounds extremely tough!
You mention that if mikvah falls out on Saturday night, it will be hard since your sil will want to hang out with you guys/go out with you guys. But if mikvah does fall out on Saturday night, you can easily tell your sil that due to yours and dh's busy schedules during the week (and I think you even mentioned that you work on Sunday), you guys like to retire really early on Saturday night. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that; mikvah on Saturday night sounds like it can be easily done.
Good luck!

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 12:27 am

amother wrote:

If you have a baby, you're not such a newlywed first of all. Secondly, so this is the second time you are refusing to have your sil over even though she lives far away? Seems kind of harsh.

For the umpteenth time I did not refuse her last time it did not work out on her end (though I should have refused her being as I was ready to pop...her asking at that point was not a good move).

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 12:37 am

amother wrote:

For the umpteenth time I did not refuse her last time it did not work out on her end (though I should have refused her being as I was ready to pop...her asking at that point was not a good move).

You couldn't find her a place to sleep right? I vaguely remember your old thread.

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 12:44 am

amother wrote:

You couldn't find her a place to sleep right? I vaguely remember your old thread.

Yes. And she was going to find herself a place because she has lots of local friends. She was going to find a place where she could eat in case I went into labor. But she couldn't find a place either and ended up not having a ride after all.

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 7:39 am

Your concern about saying no seems to be that people will see you as the bad guy. Lots of posters have mentioned that SIL will be hurt, but you don't seem to see that as a problem. Is there more to the story than you're saying? Because it seems weird to care more about your image than about hurting someone.

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 11:13 am

amother wrote:

So yeah...that's effectively saying no btw. Same as this time. You couldn't accommodate her.

wiki

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 11:56 am

amother wrote:

Am I the only one who has times I don't want a guest? Do you all always say yes no matter how difficult it is for you?

There are times when I tell people it's not a good week, and I generally agree that for mikvah night you have no obligations on any guests. But for out-of-town visiting siblings, yes, we do always say yes. Even when it meant them sleeping on the couch when we had a crowded one-bedroom (which is not what I recommend for you here).

Butterfly

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 2:04 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, I'm liking the validating posts and I don't want her that particular Shabbos. I do like her though it's nothing personal about not wanting her then. Like I said, it's dh's sister so I'm letting him make the call. I'm not going to insist on having her when we both don't want her. It's just ironic that I'm sure she'll think it's my fault when he says it's not a good week.

Why is it ironic that she'll think so?? It's the truth, isn't it?!

Apparently it seems like you want to have the cake and eat it too. Sweetheart, something has to give because you can't have it both ways IRL all the time. And no matter with whatever ingenious excuse your husband might come up with chances are that your your SIL will probably put you at fault for most part of it and rightfully so.

I say buckle up; There are still 11 full days available for you to prepare for that Shabbas. You can start today and do things leisurely and gradually so it doesn't become too overwhelming and exhausting by the time Shabbas comes around.

For example cook most of the Shabbas in advance and freeze it. 99% of cooked and baked foods can be frozen and still taste delicious when thawed and reheated.
If you'll put your focus on the doable's it can and will get done successfully bezr'H.
If your focus is on the negativity and the impossible, it will feel so for sure. So pick and choose!
And finally remember; It's your choice and no one else's blame.

GoldFlowers

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 4:23 pm

OP, it sounds like you're going to say no, despite the options suggested here. If you do that, why don't you try to really show her that you want her and that it REALLY is just this week that doesn't work out?

You can do that by making arrangements for her to come a different week? You said she's 4 hours away... Try to hook her up with someone else who's coming, maybe even pay for a bus ticket. When she comes, make the sleeping arrangements for her. And most important, be extra welcoming to make up for any bad feelings.

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 4:44 pm

Butterfly wrote:

Why is it ironic that she'll think so?? It's the truth, isn't it?!

And finally remember; It's your choice and no one else's blame.

Nope. Dh gets the final say and he says he doesn't want her. Though I guess it is my fault I menstruate. You're right it's all my fault!

Also to the person who suggested couch--can't work. The baby sleeps there (in the living room, not on the couch!) and if shes there the baby won't sleep.

amother

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

People won't know what I ultimately do (irl friends have no idea unless they recognize me here in which case hi!) but I don't want to do something if its considered that bad. Dh says he thinks she will be disappointed but get over it and happily come a different week when it can work. Our lease is up soon and will hopefully get a two bedroom but until then dependent on others to help us host guests and with the vast majority or our neighbors in one bedroom apartments that can be hard.

bnm

Tue, Dec 30 2014, 7:05 pm

amother wrote:

Thats the thing I don't understand- if your not equipped to handle guest what is all the hesitation? Before I moved I had no room for overnight guest, the only ones we had where little and can sleep in toddler beds in my baby's room.