What to do when my child doesn't want to go to school?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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israeli83

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:27 am

Lately my 3.5 year old son has been giving me temper tantrums in the mornings. He suddenly doesn't want to go to his daycare. So one time I bribed him with a new toy and it worked. But I can't always bribe him in order for him to go to his school. This time I told him I'd give him a cookie but it's not working. He just doesn't want to go to school today! What to do? I can't leave him at home.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:48 am

have you asked your child why he does not want to go to school all of a sudden? there may be an actual reason, something happened in school?

Bruria

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:56 am

I agree , ask him if something happened, or if there is child that is not being nice to him and maybe the morah doesn't notice, or some other reason. Maybe just today you can leave him with an aunt or a friend at home?

Last edited by Bruria on Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:57 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:56 am

israeli83 wrote:

I have the same problem except that my son is in HS.
Cookies don't work with him either.
It doesn't get easier. Sad

animeme

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 7:58 am

Is it about not being in school or about wanting to stay with you? My dd did this for awhile to try to get alone time with me even though playgroup was fine.

Ruchel

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 8:06 am

Ask. It could be as simple as boredom (btdt with dd1).

momX4

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 8:32 am

Your dc may think that you are doing fun things while he is in school. Tell him that you will be napping while he is in school. Be careful not to say your schedule when he can hear. He may thing the grocery store or doctor (prize?) is more fun than school.

I had a dc that did the same. One day I kept him home and put us down for a nap. After a few miutes he decided school was a better option.

the world's best mom

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:27 am

For a high schooler, this is normal. For a preschool kid, I would try to think of the possible reasons he may not want to go. Here are some:

-He may need some time and attention from Mommy right now. Are you sure he is getting enough attention regularly?

-He may be afraid of missing whatever excitement is going on at home.

-What seems most likely to me is that something is bothering him about school. Maybe the Morah yelled at a kid and he got scared? Maybe someone hurt him? Maybe there's a part of the school day that he dislikes?

amother

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 10:09 am

OP here

I managed to take him to his school but it wasn't too easy. I asked him why he doesn't want to go and he said he's "scared" of his daycare. I asked him why and he didn't really answer me. I asked him is it the teachers? he said no. Is it the kids? he said yes. But he also said he doesn't want me to leave him. So I spoke to the teacher and she told me that yesterday when I left him at school, he cried for a little bit. It looks like he's back to not wanting me to leave him alone again. Is this normal? I'm hoping he won't do the same tomorrow. When I took him this morning, he was about to cry when I was about to leave, but the teacher held him and told him to play with his favorite friend (he has one friend he likes to play with).

the world's best mom

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 11:01 am

I would take his words seriously. If he says his Morahs are nice but the kids are not, then I'd assume at least one kid has done at least one thing that bothered him. It may not have been a huge deal, but if you ask him which kid and what happened, he may tell you.

Shuly

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 12:22 pm

First, make sure he feels safe in school. If everything really is fine at school, he may just be doing this to get attention from you and you should ignore it.

Simple1

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 12:51 pm

I agree with the others to try to find out if there's a reason. I had a child who refused to go (pre school). It turned out that another child was bullying her and kept threatening to hurt her.

acccdac

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 12:56 pm

I was just talking to my dh about this in school.

There is no reason why a child should not WANT to go to daycare/preschool. Its fun, I would go if I could, so would my other kids.

If they dont want to go there has to be a reason, it can be they dont feel love from the teacher, the environment or the other children.

Of course kids want to stay with mommy, but it does not seem like he doesnt want to go to spend time with mommy but that he doesnt want to be THERE.

Sewsew_mom

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 1:23 pm

I have this now with my 4.5 year old. He's really fine in school and spoke with his teachers. He has quiet time/rest time and he hates it. So he never wants to go to school. He also wants to stay home cus he thinks he's missing out on fun things. I let him take a small toy to school sometimes and it helps.. Good luck.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 2:50 pm

Instead of asking him "what happened in school", ask him "what's the best thing that happened in school today", and then ask him "what's the worst thing that happened in school today".

"What happened" is too vague for a child to explain, but he definitely knows what his worst moment was, because it will stick in his mind. That's how I found out that DD was being bullied in kindergarten, when she used to love going.

Ask the "best - worst" question every day, and you can then gauge what is going on, and if there is a pattern. If Yanky is kicking him every day for a week straight, then you have your answer. Same thing if Sara is stealing his cookies at snack time.

Work with the morah to resolve the "worst" events, and reinforce to your son how much fun the "best" events are. Make sure you let your son know that you are hearing his "worst" things, and that you and the morah are actively doing something about it. Otherwise, he is going to feel abandoned, and that no one is advocating for him.

Once you know what's bothering him, you can also empower him to speak up and say "Yanky, stop kicking me!" or "Sara, these are my cookies, you need to eat your own. If you want more, ask the morah!" He needs to know that sometimes it's OK to talk back to people, and that you won't get mad at him for speaking up.

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