How would you feel if your husband would be a polygamist?

acccdac

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 8:41 pm

When I started watching the show Big Love I started to notice that I would start getting jealous while watching. I was jealous for the wives, that they had to share.

I have always questioned whether or not I would want my dh to remarry if I died. Only recently (like in the last month) have I decided that I WANT him to get remarried. I dont want to force him to be alone the rest of his life just cause I am gone.

I would NOT be okay with my dh taking another wife for any other reason, fertility included (as someone else mentioned).

gittelchana

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:04 pm

b from nj wrote:

He would be my EX husband & NOT my husband. I would NEVER tolerate it b/c it's so disrespectful especially in today's day & age.

Why especially in today's day and age?

How is it different from a different day and age?

dancingqueen

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:16 pm

As mentioned by other posters polygamy doesn't seem to work out too happily in tanach or lhavdil, on sister wives or big love.

By the way what woman is hugging the posts of all those who wouldn't want a polygamous marriage? Lol.

mirror

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:24 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

I got the same hug.

Lady, if you want me to share my husband with you, let me know. I am sure he won't mind, especially if you want to be the breadwinner. Wave

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:26 pm

amother wrote:

Think it would be nice to have a wife...someone else to carry my babies for 9 months instead of constantly stretching my body Smile

Its called a handmaid. Have you read Margaret Atwood's book, The Handmaids's Tale? It was about just that, a society where women were paired with a family/couple to carry the babies. It was a very strange book. We read it in high school. shock

I have a feeling they didnt really know what the book was about Smile

etky

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:49 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I have a feeling they didnt really know what the book was about Smile

I loved that book. It was horrifying but also fascinating in a creepy way. It's a dystopia that portrays a religiously fundamentalist, totalitarian society where women have few rights. The relationship that evolved between the legal wife and the 'handmaid' (concubine for procreation purposes) was particularly interesting.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 9:52 pm

etky wrote:

horrifying but also fascinating in a creepy way. That, etky, is the perfect description Smile

I think if I would have read it now, at 35, as opposed to reading it in an all girls just plain frum high school, I would have enjoyed it more. When I read it then, I just thought it was the strangest book ever. To this day I still remember the scene in the book when the couple and the handmaid get together to conceive the baby. Straaaange.

Tablepoetry

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 11:32 pm

Undefined wrote:

I have often somewhat jokingly told my husbdon't he could have a concubine, but really I'd prefer a cowife. Imagine sharing the burden of the house with her, we could split up making shabbos together, take turns putting kids to bed , help with cleaning, decisions etc. Not to mention when I'm not in the mood for intimacy. My only requirement is that she be slightly heavier than me, not that attractive, and not smell as good as me Wink

Um, I have my husband to share in running the household. No need for another woman whose help would be overshadowed by the fact she would destroy my marriage.
All I can say is thank heaven today women aren't helpless and dont need a man at any cost.
I would divorce long before I ever entertained the thought of being half a spouse.

DrMom

Wed, Jan 14 2015, 11:34 pm

It is so completely at odds with how I was raised to view marital relationships that it just does not compute.

I suppose in societies where this is the norm, the view of the husband-wife relationship is not viewed as exclusive, and if I were raised in one of those societies I suppose I would view the idea less negatively.

For women in a lousy marriage, it offers the advantage of not having to interact with your DH as often. It offers economic security for women who may otherwise remain unmarried -- esp in societies where women cannot, due to societal restrictions on their roles, support themselves financially.

etky

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:23 am

I think it's all a matter of expectations from marriage and of social norms.
Back when polygamy was accepted marriage was a very far cry from the romantic construction that is how we conceive of it today.
It was primarily a social and economic arrangement, and in the case of the aristocracy also political and/or dynastic, that met the needs of both men and women as defined by the accepted gender roles of that time. If romantic love came into the equation at some point so much the better but it was not considered a prerequisite for marriage or an absolute neccesity for its endurance. I'm sure that polygamy had its emotional and technical difficulties for those involved but I think it's anachronistic to project our modern conceptions of the underpinnings of marriage on this type of domestic arrangement.

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 1:28 am

amother wrote:

I see most people posted joking (half joking?) responses. Here is my very real response.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate that! It's not fair. I am so happy it was banned (for now). I can't stomache the thought of the thought of thought of my husband being married to (or remotely interested in) any women other than moi.

Why think about it? It's not remotely on your radar unless maybe you still live in Teman.

These topics pop up regularly, I'll say it again Jews don't do harems, the second wife was in case the first marriage was childless and they inhabited a land awful to divorcees.

abound

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 3:41 am

smilingmom wrote:

Are you kidding?? Never!!
I made a deal with my DH that even if I die, he can't remarry.
If I look down from above and see him look at another women, I will make sure he gets the worst case of body odor ever.

Why? If you love your husband why would you want to see him lonely?
It sounds like you love yourself more than him.

smilingmom

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 3:55 am

abound wrote:

Why? If you love your husband why would you want to see him lonely?
It sounds like you love yourself more than him.

I do love my husband dearly, he is my best friend, and would do anything in the world to make me happy, and likewise would do anything in the world to make him happy.
But.... he is mine and I would not want to share him with anyone, even post-humously.

I told him this when we were much younger. If I thought about it, I probably would change my mind now, but that is my first reaction.

abound

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 4:12 am

smilingmom wrote:

Yeah, that is my first reaction too, but I know quite a few people who had a spouse die, so I did think about it again and I would want him to be happy and live his life.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 4:29 am

smilingmom wrote:

But think about it this way: if you really truly love your husband, then if Gc forbid you die before him, wouldnt you want him to be happy with someone again?

We have a family in our yishuv. The husband and wife were so much in love. It was so wonderful too see. They had a wonderful wonderful marriage. She got sick. Very very sick. she got better for a while, but then got much much worse. She passed away a little over a year ago. They had been married close to 20 years. The husband found someone else, longish story how they met, and they got married a few weeks ago.
Now, the husband worshiped his wife. He loved her so much (he bloggeda bout the whole sickness) And was beyond devastated when she died (in her 40s) but he met someone else and I am more than 100% sure that his wife is smiling down from heaven and is sending a bracha to the new union. You know why? Because she loved him so much.
Just something to think about.

b from nj

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 4:40 am

I think it's cruel to expect a spouse to stay celibate after one party dies but it's perfectly understandable to NOT want to share a spouse with a concubine or a 2nd spouse while a wife is alive!! There is a difference between the 2!!

b from nj

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 4:43 am

gittelchana wrote:

Why especially in today's day and age?

How is it different from a different day and age?

How?? Well first starters, how many couples do you know who are currently practicing polygamy? Is it acceptable in your circles?? Thankfully, it's considered illegal in the US & not acceptable in Judaism these days. It would be different if we were living in biblical times but we are not!!!