How would you feel if your husband would be a polygamist?

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:46 am

Anon because I was just discussing this the other day and I don't want them to find out my sn.

I guess I am in the minority because I don't think I would mind! As long as he would give equally time and resources, I could see the other wife and I doing things together, caring for children together, schmoozing. Of course there would be obvious occasional jealousy, fights and things but I could see it working out. With the right kind of woman, sure.

We each would have our own space, our own things, time with dh and we would alsonhave each other

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:51 am

I don't share. BH for divorce. Turns my stomach.

Obviously in another culture this may be acceptable, especially since the women may well not be in love.

b from nj

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:57 am

amother wrote:

What makes you think you'd get along so well with your sister wife. What if your DH seemed to prefer her company over yours? Personally I'd rather keep my female friends & my husband as 2 very separate entities.

BTW amother, is your DH on board with your idea of him taking on a 2nd wife? Sounds like every man's fantasy & almost every woman's nightmare...

Iymnok

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:01 am

My DH has enough stress from my hormones, why would he want another woman's hormones to deal with too!
Imagine pms overlapping ppd!
Add 2 more wives, one pregnant being needy, and one keeps spotting...
shock

3 babies not sleeping through the night
You can save on childcare, but who's paying tuition?
How many of these wolves are working?

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:21 am

b from nj wrote:

We were actually discussing it a few months ago in a joking manner and he look horrified! He even asked me later if I seriously wanted that lifestyle because he was absolutely not on board!

Its true that we might not get along... I guess I was discribing an ideal situation.

allthingsblue

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:25 am

amother wrote:

It's kinda weird that he asked you later if you were serious about wanting that lifestyle, because it's irrelevant. It's illegal and the rabbonim banned it. So why was he taking it so seriously?

PinkFridge

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:31 am

Fave wrote:

It would solve the shidduch crisis

And create a few more. Wink

PinkFridge

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:33 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

horrifying but also fascinating in a creepy way. That, etky, is the perfect description Smile

I think if I would have read it now, at 35, as opposed to reading it in an all girls just plain frum high school, I would have enjoyed it more. When I read it then, I just thought it was the strangest book ever. To this day I still remember the scene in the book when the couple and the handmaid get together to conceive the baby. Straaaange.

Wow. We had a gentile teacher who, with the principal's blessing, taught us The Merchant of Venice with her thesis that it wasn't anti-Semitic, and that was unusual. I have never heard of the book mentioned here.

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:34 am

allthingsblue wrote:

It's kinda weird that he asked you later if you were serious about wanting that lifestyle, because it's irrelevant. It's illegal and the rabbonim banned it. So why was he taking it so seriously?

If I'd be her husband I'd bring it up again, too. Too wierd to let it go...

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

If I'd be her husband I'd bring it up again, too. Too wierd to let it go...

I think that was it...the conversation disturbed him and he wanted to make sure I wasn't harboring any type of longing for it or would try to force him into it in any kind of way, which of course I wouldn't! I don't even really have any type of desire for it but I said it would work and I wouldn't mind in the ideal situation.

oliveoil

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:59 am

Read some books by people who lived polygamy, or grew up as children in a polygamous family (in Utah, mostly) and you'll get a much more realistic picture than you get from the scripted tv shows. It is complicated and there's a lot of favoritism, jealousy and power struggles.

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 10:26 am

It's 2015 and culture has evolved. Expectations of women have evolved. And the term for both a man and a woman who believe in polygamy is Commitment-phobe.

That this question even comes up boils my blood.

Anon as I've had this conversation recently IRL.

greenfire

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 10:50 am

amother wrote:

Think it would be nice to have a wife...someone else to carry my babies for 9 months instead of constantly stretching my body Smile

wasn't that the sin of yehudah's sons & tamar ?! they didn't want to ruin her beauty ...

Miri7

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 11:48 am

I often joke to DH that I would like a wife! Meaning, someone to take on additional household responsibilities. With both if us working full time it would be a great help!

gittelchana

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:03 pm

Iymnok wrote:

3 babies not sleeping through the night
You can save on childcare, but who's paying tuition?
How many of these wolves are working?

Iymnok, this is the best post on this topic! Thumbs Up

Are you my husband? This is what he thinks too.

sushi galore

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:04 pm

I think I'd be ok with it..that's as long as she cooks cleans cares for the kids and babies especially at nite and does the laundry....Oh!...Yes you can have him when I'm seriously in no mood!

Heyaaa

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:09 pm

Iymnok wrote:

3 babies not sleeping through the night
You can save on childcare, but who's paying tuition?
How many of these wolves are working?

There's a reason they were supposed to have separate houses. Won't have the same cycle if you're not sharing pheromones.

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:16 pm

I doubt the type of guy who would go for polygamy would have a high end job and afford two houses Smile

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

How do you feel about the fact that the Torah allows a man to have more then 1 wife? How would you feel if your husband would get married to another woman in addition to you?

Amother because I've had this discussion IRL.

There is Halacha and there is right and wrong. Of course, if something is required by Halacha, it's right (to think, speak, do) and if something is forbidden by Halacha, it's wrong (to think, speak, do). But not everything that's permitted is a good idea and many things are great ideas even though you aren't required to do so.

The Torah allows polygamy, that's for sure. But there also seems to be plenty of indication that this is not ideal. If so, why is it allowed?

I don't think anyone can claim to know why Hashem allows some things and disallows others. But there is a certain amount of understanding that we can deduce based on what we know.

Shir Hashirim describes a whole love story between a man and woman. This is a Mashal for the love story (with all the ups and downs) between Hashem and the Jewish people. Hashem is the groom and we are his bride. Based on this, it is understood why a man can marry more than one wife while a woman can only marry one husband. Hashem is not limited and we are. I see this Halacha as a reflection of this concept.

But it doesn't end there. We are Hashem's chosen people forever. Hashem says he will never trade us for anyone else nor will he take on another nation as his people. This concept is especially found in the many discussions Yirmiyahu Hanavi had with the Jewish people before and after the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash. Hashem is "married" to "one woman only" - the Jewish people.

So while technically, Hashem is not limited by anything and he can have multiple chosen peoples, he doesn't, it's only us. This is reflected in the fact that during the time of Galus - when it seems like Hashem favors other nations - is when it became necessary to emphasize the exclusivity between Hashem and his people by banning polygamy.

This is why Rabainu Gershom is referred to as the luminary of the exile. He illuminated the whole concept of exile by ensuring that Hashem cannot take another people as his "second wife" and that he cannot "divorce" us against our will either.

This is taken partially from a Shiur I heard ages ago, partially from what I learned and partially from what I thought about.

sequoia

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:34 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I doubt the type of guy who would go for polygamy would have a high end job and afford two houses Smile

You'd be surprised. Some men genuinely have a sultan mentality. And some of those can afford multiple establishments, even on different continents.