Help me make Shabbos meaningful

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 1:25 pm

Please help me make Shabbos meaningful and nice. DH no longer believes in G-d and is no longer frum. We decided to stay married and B"H we love each other very much and he is a very good man. It was a few years ago that this happened and I have been struggling with how to make Shabbos meaningful and a happy time for all of us. We have toddlers and are expecting another baby in the next few months.

We live in a OOT community without an eruv, so we stopped going to shul when our first was born. My DH will not go without me, but all go together for chaggim. B"H my DH is a very family man, and he is very happy to go on chaggim. So how to make Shabbos meaningful and a nice experience and special day when we cannot go anywhere?

I am trying to make some family traditions or things we do each Shabbos to make it special. DH will not go out of his way to avoid using electricity on Shabbos, but he won't ask me to use electricity. He just feels like if he does it is okay because he isn't pressing it on me, but the thing is it really interrupts the "feeling" on Shabbos when someone turns on the light or makes coffee on the stove or coffee maker, so even if I'm not doing it, it dampens the Shabbos feeling. So here is what I/we have done:

DH uses a stovetop coffee maker or an electric coffee maker, so I started making cold press coffee on Thursday and making him a gigantic coffee with lots of milk and sugar for Shabbos morning, and I usually make him another one in the afternoon. This way he feels like I am doing something special for him, and he doesn't need to make his own hot coffee. He seems to like it, or at least does not mind.

He microwaves some hot cereal for breakfast every morning or he makes some toast, and he would do it on Shabbos too. But I noticed when I have something like pastries in the house he will eat that instead of his regular breakfast, so I started getting babka for Shabbos morning and he usually eats that now instead.

I have noticed that the two things above have helped a lot with the Shabbos feeling. I don't want to make him feel like I am mad at him for breaking Shabbos, because I don't see how that helps shalom bayis. Actually, I used to cry and get sad when he would and I know that this is the worst thing I can do.

He does not daven anymore, even on Shabbos, so he stays with the children while I daven. We chose a few parts of davening to share with the children and we sing those parts together. The children seem to like it, and so does DH. We also have nice meals. After I daven we have Shabbos lunch and do a small shalosh seduos later. I am trying to make things we all look forward to each week, like for lunch gefilte fish and cholent and also homemade challos, to make the day special. DH likes these things a lot so I hope it helps him enjoy Shabbos more....we all do havdalah together and sing and dance together afterward. If you saw us you would think DH was still frum, till he took off his kippah afterward.

Something that is hard is that DH will not compromise on listening to music on Shabbos. He says that the children love it, and they do. I don't think it is the time, I don't know if there will ever be a time, to tell him "no music on Shabbos" because for him this is lots of simcha and I don't want to push him into things. I thought that I might get some Yiddish music and we only listen to that music on Shabbos, so at least it is Jewish music. I know this is not ideal, but maybe it is the best for us right now.

He sometimes wants to go places with the children on Shabbos, like driving with them somewhere, but this is usually when I haven't made the day very full with things to do. If you have any family actvities or things we can do to fill the day please suggest them to me.

Are there any other things I can do to make the day special?

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 1:37 pm

This is OP. Something else I forgot to add, is that DH keeps saying that to make Shabbos fun for us all we need to have the community around. He says we can take the kids to shul, but I don't want to be pushing a stroller and carrying toddlers on Shabbos. No, I won't do it. Also, people don't know that he isn't frum anymore, they just think we don't daven at shul because we have the kids. and I try very hard to overcome this but it is embarrassing or shameful to me that he isn't frum now. I really try to think about how he is a good person and this is what matters the most, but I will be embarrassed if people find out, even though they probably already suspect a little bit that something is going on, especially when he runs into people without a kippah or tizitzis. So anyway, DH says we should have people over on Shabbos, and I would love that but I'm afraid DH will go and turn on a light or break shabbos in a public way and then everyone will know...so I don't have people over. I don't want to make DH feel bad by telling him that I won't have people over because I'm worried that he will mess up.

DH hasn't wanted to take away the musical toys for Shabbos, so I was thinking maybe get the kids a few musical toys just for Shabbos that play Jewish songs or something. Then at least they wouldn't be playing with "computers" and "smart phones" on Shabbos, because I don't think that is good...

sky

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 1:38 pm

I'm sorry I have no advice but I wanted to post to say that you sound like a very special person.

water_bear88

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 1:51 pm

Would he maybe agree to making it about family time, and have that include no phones/computers? Reading, singing, dancing, playing in the yard could all be done as a family.
ITA with sky.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 1:52 pm

Agree.

Sounds good. You are all doing very well.

He's doing pretty well too.

See if you can get an Eruv put up; speak to somebody about that. Without saying why of course.

See if he would like to do a weekly free phone study session with a male study partner. Partners In Torah arranges for that, and you can have any kind of person you want, anywhere, but only a man for a man and a woman for a woman. This would not take place on Shabbos. But it might interest and engage him. 1 800 STUDY 4 2 is the phone.

You are not asking a lot, for him to mind his frum-manners when others are over, unless that is a sticking point for him.

Ask him if he would mind if you taped the light switches, "just for your own convenience". With paper masking tape; it leaves no mark.

Iymnok

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:21 pm

Could you put the music on a timer?
Get books to read out loud, gedolim books, Jewish stories.
Board games only for shabbos
Shabbos toys, menchies, kliks,
If he's game, have guests if he follows the rules, no lights etc.

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:22 pm

water_bear88 wrote:

Would he maybe agree to making it about family time, and have that include no phones/computers? Reading, singing, dancing, playing in the yard could all be done as a family.
ITA with sky.

OP. He does stay off the computer if we have things to do, otherwise he will get on it and find something for the kids to watch. So, that's why I need more ideas about things to do. Like, actual activities. Are there any nice books about shabbos you like? I shoudl get a few and like you said have a family reading time. That sounds nice.

He uses his cell phone for reading news but not when the kids are around.

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:24 pm

Iymnok wrote:

OP. Are there any books/games/etc that you like? Since we are OOT I get them online without looking through them first and am often disappointed.

MamaBear

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:48 pm

I don't have much to add other than the way you describe your husband and situation, with such thought and care and no criticism at all.....well, you are a tzedekes. I really admire how you're handling this and I'll daven that one day you and your husband end up on the same page.

Iymnok

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:51 pm

I don't know books, my oldest is 6 1/2. Soon I want to start reading her All For The Boss 1/2-1 chapter a sitting.
I like the Mimmy and Simmy books, also Yossi and Leibel.

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 2:54 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

I am uncomfortable taping the lightswitches because I don't want him to feel like I am "managing" him. I want to give him the freedom to do what he wants, but to try to show him, hey, you don't NEED to turn on the light because it's already light here or whatever. I feel like putting restrictions on him in a visible way like that would not accomplish anything good. Instead he needs to feel like it's okay to not turn on the light. He is doing really well actually, the last few weeks. Maybe because he sees how I'm trying to make shabbos special and so he also wants to help. I don't know.

He is happy to mind his "frum-manners" when people are over, but he sometimes forgets things as it's been a while since he's been frum. Like, last Shabbos he forgot he has to take the crock pot pot out of the metal part before he gets cholent. That's just one example. So I'm not afraid of him blatantly breaking shabbos, and I know he wouldn't try to do it in front of people, but he messes up a lot of things now. Also, I want him to "be himself" and I feel like it will make him very sad to realize that I'm trying to make him hide "himself" around other people or that I'm worried about it, and he used to ask me why I can't love him for who he is (that was when I would cry on Shabbos about him doing or not doing this or that, but I've changed a lot and it's helped us so much). The good thing that I think makes him such a good person is that "being himself" also means wanting to give his children a great Shabbos experience.

We've been trying to get the eruv up for a long time. DH offered to ride his bike around to help get it up like two years ago, when he was not even frum anymore, but I guess there were city issues to deal with.

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 3:00 pm

OP. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just come out and say, like as a part of a normal conversation with a friend, "well since DH isn't religious anymore blah blah" and continue the conversation like no big statement was made. Like, what would happen?

singleagain

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 3:02 pm

OP, you sound like an amazing person, and I just wanted to say you are an inspiration. in august 2013, I went to visit a friend of mine, who is a practicing christian, but informed me that her maternal great-grandmother was jewish. my visit included a shabbat, and eventually I asked, if she would keep shabbat with her. obviously it is different, bc she was willing to comply with every silly thing I needed, but I was looking for something to bring to help explain shabbat and I came across this book. Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-by-Step by Lori Palatnik it is a beautiful book that not only explains shabbat, literally step by step, it explains what we do. how we do it. why we do. and personal reflections, of people who either always kept shabbat, or started later in life. it also includes things like how to keep shabbat in a hotel, hospital, in a non-religous house. if nothing else, you should try to get your hands on this book and read it for yourself. maybe show it to your husband, but I think it will have some very practical advise, for how to deal with this situation. much haztlocha, and if there is anything else I can think of, I'll let you know, or you can pm me.

amother

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 3:07 pm

singleagain wrote:

I"m OP. Thank you. I am requesting the book from the library today and if not available I'm just going to buy it. I really need practical stuff. Please post anything else if you think of it, I really need help!

dancingqueen

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

I think you should do this, if your dh wouldn't mind. It would make having people over less stressful and give you support which would probably be nice.

I have to commend you both on how you are handling this!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Jan 19 2015, 4:10 pm

I don't see any upside to that, and I do see downside. It is simply nobody's business!

As for the taping the lights, I do that, and we have both been "saved" by the tape, lots of times. I am not holy enough to remember all the time by myself. But in your situation, it might inevitably be taken another way.

Try to get him to phone study!

There is absolutely no Judaism without regular study. Otherwise it becomes "why am I doing this stuff anyway?".

If he wants people over, have them over.

He hasn't pinned on a badge that formally says "Non Observant" or "Less Observant"; labels are for shirts. He is just a Jew who has gotten a bit soft around the edges, because of lack of male, I emphasize male, support and engagement.

You are in the top one percent of wives, but he needs men.

princessleah

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 11:10 am

OP, have you worked out with your husband how you're going to handle things when the kids are older? What is their observance going to be like, etc.?
What a rough situation. Especially in a town with no eruv-- you can't even go to the playground! I agree with other posters who say the best thing to do would be to have people over. Do you live in the kind of community where people would be relaxed and understanding about your DH's non-observance? Or not? If not, could you explain to your husband, I want to have people over so that Shabbat is a time for friends, and bonding with others, etc. But could you please make a great effort to keep up appearances while they're here, if they think WE are not 100% observant, they won't eat in our house and I don't want to cut ourselves off from others in the community in that way.

justcallmeima

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 12:39 pm

First of all, I agree with all the pp who said you are absolutely amazing in the way you are handling this. One of the things we do is to keep special toys and family board games locked away all week only to take them out on Shabbos. This way the kids have a feeling of "looking forward" to Shabbos, even if it's not the spiritual that they're looking forward to. Ditto with food. I buy special treats which are only for Shabbos. When my kids want ice cream, I say "No, ice cream is special for Shabbos!" Board games work wonders as well. Everyone has to be engaged and involved and interacting. I ditto the inviting people over for meals. Start with someone who knows your situation. (BTW, if you live in a small town with a small frum community, it is highly unlikely that NOBODY has any idea of what's going on) In the same way that you have accepted and embraced dh for who he is, they will too. Having guests over will be another way to make Shabbos special. My kids of all ages love to be read to. Find an exciting chapter book and read one chapter Friday night and one Shabbos day. They will look forward to that as well. I'd be interested to see what others have to say. Kol hakavod to you!!!!!!

greenfire

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 1:11 pm

your patience is a wonderful trait ... I do however wonder why if your husband doesn't wish to keep shabbos he has to push that onto the children ... whatever he does he should do in the confines of his own space rather than family space ... children do need guidance & structure & I would be afraid this would confuse them sooner than later

instead of music - sing songs - that can be a lot of fun, makes for activity time & will be something to look forward to

so many things can be done within the scope of shabbos without getting bored

buy jewish puzzles ... jewish story books ... jewish themed toys [they make plenty of those nowadays]

amother

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 1:34 pm

The fact that ops dh is not 100% keeping shabbos around the kids may be his way of dealing with being not frum but by default keeping a Frum lifestyle which can be very hard. So asking him to do more may not work for them. When my ex went otd he wasn't willing to do nearly as much as ops dh.

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