how do you manage with your kids so well?

amother

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 7:23 pm

This is not a question meant for those who are not managing or who are falling apart. I do not want this to become a thread where people write that it looks they are managing but they are not.

I want to know about those of you who have a number of children within a short amount of time who really do have energy to cook dinner, keep your house relatively clean, take care of your kids. People who are happy with their role and manage quite well.

1) Do you have a lot of energy? Do you spend more time doing than sitting around?
2) Do you have hired help? Do you do it all yourself? Is your husband around to help a lot?
3) Are you more naturally good with kids and patient? Is it your personality to sit and play with them all day without getting fed up?
4) Is it hard for you but you find fulfillment and meaning in it so you strive to be a good wife and mother? Do you feel like you have to push yourself to achieve this?
5) Do you ever have a break or any free time to yourself that is not spent on your kids or your household?
6) Did you grow up with a functional mother who managed to cope very well and passed those skills on to you as a role model?

This is not for a survey. This is for me. I struggle with functioning due to depression/anxiety, no money for help, and other problems in my life. I spoke to a rav about this and he said for some people it is easier than others and they are able to have more children because things are not as difficult for them. So I am curious what makes things easier for people - having more energy, more resources/help or helpful husband, finding spiritual meaning in it, growing up in a functional home, etc

Optione

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 7:51 pm

1) Do you have a lot of energy? Do you spend more time doing than sitting around?
Average. Half and half maybe? I go out of the house with them a lot (2 kids, a year apart)

2) Do you have hired help? Do you do it all yourself? Is your husband around to help a lot?
I have a cleaning lady for two hours, twice a month. It's a small expense for a huge relief

3) Are you more naturally good with kids and patient? Is it your personality to sit and play with them all day without getting fed up?
I am naturally good with kids, bli ayin hara, but I could use more patience

4) Is it hard for you but you find fulfillment and meaning in it so you strive to be a good wife and mother? Do you feel like you have to push yourself to achieve this?
Absolutely!

5) Do you ever have a break or any free time to yourself that is not spent on your kids or your household?
Yes- for about an hour when my kids go to bed (7:30)

6) Did you grow up with a functional mother who managed to cope very well and passed those skills on to you as a role model?
Yes, although there are some small gaps.

Hatzlacha!

bookworm10

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 8:11 pm

1) Do you have a lot of energy? Do you spend more time doing than sitting around? I have a lot of energy, and hate sitting around.

2) Do you have hired help? Do you do it all yourself? Is your husband around to help a lot? I have cleaning help twice a week, that's it. I work full time and am with my kids whenever they are home. My husband is not home a lot, but he is good with kids when he is.

3) Are you more naturally good with kids and patient? Is it your personality to sit and play with them all day without getting fed up? I am naturally a kids person. I like to play with them, but I am normal.. I like to sit on the couch and read or watch Netflix too. I just do that when they are asleep.

4) Is it hard for you but you find fulfillment and meaning in it so you strive to be a good wife and mother? Do you feel like you have to push yourself to achieve this? Sometimes yes. But usually not.

5) Do you ever have a break or any free time to yourself that is not spent on your kids or your household?
Nope. But when my kids are asleep...

6) Did you grow up with a functional mother who managed to cope very well and passed those skills on to you as a role model?
Pretty much, yes. I had other issues in childhood but my mother was a phenomenal mother when I was growing up.

amother

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 8:15 pm

amother wrote:

This is not for a survey. This is for me. I struggle with functioning due to depression/anxiety, no money for help, and other problems in my life. I spoke to a rav about this and he said for some people it is easier than others and they are able to have more children because things are not as difficult for them. So I am curious what makes things easier for people - having more energy, more resources/help or helpful husband, finding spiritual meaning in it, growing up in a functional home, etc

I feel like you answered your question yourself.

Most people who make it dont have depression or anxiety.
Some people are natural mothers where others are not
Some people are blessed with easy/sleeping kids and some are not
Some people are easy going by nature and some are not.

Someone I know said that they tried for their 3rd and if it didnt happen they were done after 2 children (3 years apart oldest is 6). B'Shaha Tova they are expecting their 3rd. They said they are done after the 3rd because they cant handle/deal with more. They struggle to deal with the 2 so having more children would only make their situation harder for them. (they struggle from ADD, Anxiety, etc).

Hashem made each of us different. You need to figure out who you are and with your rav make a decision.

To me its the same analogy we give if someone is deciding to nurse or bottle feed. The most common answer is you need to do what is best for the family. If the mother can nurse, read a story to the toddler and somehow deal with the preschooler all at the same time then good. But if the mother will be yelling at the preschooler to entertain the crying toddler while she is trying to nurse her baby NO ONE is happy. Mother, Baby and Family need to be happy and taken care of. If someone can do that well while nursing then do it if not dont make everyone suffer because breast is best.

amother

Mon, Jan 26 2015, 10:48 am

I am bumping this up because I think learning from highly functional people will help me.
Everything takes so much out of me - I can't cook or clean. I make ready made suppers from the freezer, like prepared chicken nuggets or frozen pizza. my house is a disaster, dishes always piled high, floors covered in clothes, toys, and other stuff. my table is covered in papers, I can't get my act together.
laundry is done when no one has clothes left, etc.

I am curious to know if people are better off because they have more energy, had positive home growing up, have more money for help, then maybe I can work on getting those things if I see it makes a difference in functioning.

amother

Mon, Jan 26 2015, 11:23 am

]
1) Do you have a lot of energy? Do you spend more time doing than sitting around? No, I am low energy. I make systems that minimize the amount of work I have to do
2) Do you have hired help? Do you do it all yourself? Is your husband around to help a lot? I have a cleaning lady. I do not clean the bathroom . My husband is very helpful but not available except for a few hours at night which I'd rather he spend with our kids and me then helping.
3) Are you more naturally good with kids and patient? Is it your personality to sit and play with them all day without getting fed up? No, I get fed up. I make plans to go out and playdates for when I start to go crazy.
4) Is it hard for you but you find fulfillment and meaning in it so you strive to be a good wife and mother? Do you feel like you have to push yourself to achieve this? I do have to push myself sometimes to stay calm and get things done at home, and to be pleasant to my husband even when the baby was crying all day, and yes it's hard for me. I try to remember my husband has it hard too and is working very hard to support us.
5) Do you ever have a break or any free time to yourself that is not spent on your kids or your household? Rarely, and it's usually with my husband
6) Did you grow up with a functional mother who managed to cope very well and passed those skills on to you as a role model? My mother tried really hard but I hope that I'll be better.

This is not for a survey. This is for me. I struggle with functioning due to depression/anxiety, no money for help, and other problems in my life. I spoke to a rav about this and he said for some people it is easier than others and they are able to have more children because things are not as difficult for them. So I am curious what makes things easier for people - having more energy, more resources/help or helpful husband, finding spiritual meaning in it, growing up in a functional home, etc

Yes, all those things make it more livable. I wouldn't say easier - some kids are harder than others, I am lucky in that way so far.
It sounds like you may need help, good role models, and time to yourself. I mean we all do but your tank sounds like it's running on empty.