Who pays for the dining room and bedroom set?

SRS

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 7:51 am

greenfire wrote:

I think all these 'have tos' 'who buys whats' cause extra sholom bayis issues before a couple is even married

I could not agree more. It is always a wonderful surprise and an added boost when a spouse or family member gifts you something you had no reasonable expectation of. I still remember when we were sitting at this horrible hand-me-down table/chair set that screamed retro-ugly, opening wedding gifts and writing thank yous and I opened the card from my parents and they had a note to go buy a dining room set and they would pay up to $1000. I was totally shocked since I didn't expect more than a few serving platters. After all, they had pitched in a bit for the wedding. How would have thought after pitching in for the wedding they would pitch in for furniture for two working adults who could go right out and find themselves a dining room set?

I hope my kids never absorb any of these expectations because I want us to be the parents who shock them with a generous gift they were not expecting.

pesek zman

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 7:57 am

greenfire wrote:

let's see ... I bought mattresses with box springs ... ate at a kitchen table with folding chairs

then after I had 3 kids I believe we got a dining room set from a used furniture gemach ...

I think all these 'have tos' 'who buys whats' cause extra sholom bayis issues before a couple is even married

everyone should slowly buy things as they can - it would be a little humbling if you ask me

Um, yes! We have a table and chairs from Walmart and bedroom 'furniture' from ikea. The expectations and entitlement of this young newly married generation drives me crazy! Go get a job and buy yourself whatever furniture you want. I guarantee when you buy it yourself you quickly see that furniture that costs the equivalent of 1 month salary (or more) won't make the food taste better or wont help you sleep better at night. I like nice things as much as the next person but until I can comfortably afford to buy it an perfectly content with cheaper models that jive with my (financial) lifestyle

sourstix

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:12 am

I think what pp dont realize here is there is a diff when it comes to chasidish pp that dont go to college and anyone out there that the parents pay alot for college. whatever the reason is that in the chasidish world we dont go to college. d.r. and bedroom sets are probably somewhere near the college costs. see, there is something to it. obviously there are those that cant afford both college and the sets. but there is something to it. chasidish pp in general have no professions and their income is very low and then add the kollel lifestyle and then they just become totally dependant. not saying this is good just pointing it out why the op would ask this question. now off to my house duties.

abby1776

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:19 am

sourstix wrote:

This is not to bash - but look what you are writing. Chaddish people have low incomes and are very poor, but yet they can afford to buy dining room furniture and bedroom sets for each of their 10 or more children?

It doesn't make sense. Moreover, college can cost in excess of $20,000 a year for 4 years. How much is a bedroom set - $5000? Also with your college investment, you will have the ability to earn more money, so in 5 years, you could buy your own bedroom set, and save money to send your kids to college.

You are comparing apples to oranges. What you are writing makes no sense.

pesek zman

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:23 am

sourstix wrote:

I am aware of what you are saying however (as I think was pointed out) it's a question of values. My parents paid for college (and graduate school) and btw I hope no furniture ever costs as much as my Ivy League education did but my parents paid for that as an INVESTMENT in my future! They provided me with an education so I would be able to get a good job and earn a salary and buy myself whatever my heart desires. Furniture, though nice to have, like any expensive gifts are mere things that don't enhance the lives or experiences of the recipient. And is your point that chassidim have more money to spend on furniture because they don't send their children to college? But even if that were that were true (which I doubt) all this system does is perpetuate a culture of entitlement, dependence and materialism. Nothing makes you appreciate the value of a dollar more than working for it. End of story

cbg

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:30 am

I don't think there are specific guidelines. That being said, this is something that should be discussed. In my community the parents meet to discuss all finances before the couple announces there engagement. Some do it before the boy properly proposes. Who pays for the wedding? Home/furniture/housewares set up? And if any support will be given and for how long. Every family decides and there are no set rules. Some even write a contract(not with a lawyer or anything) so that there are no misunderstanding. Sometimes this is a game breaker.

Jeanette

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:33 am

My husbands brother gave us their used dining room table and gave us 6 chairs as a gift. We bought beds. We bought bedroom furniture used for $300. The table lasted us 10 years and then we bought a new one which was not as good and is broken now. Chairs are all folding chairs now.

We don't have much more furniture now than when we married. We bought a couch and bookcases later down the line. Our kids store their clothing on shelves or we cleared out drawers in our br furniture for their stuff.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:39 am

abby1776 wrote:

I understand her although I don't necessarily agree. I heard this reason posited why the community should chip in to buy a certain brand baby stroller. She is just articulating what is out there. Since they don't have as much elsewhere then they should have material processions. Perhaps they are tangible symbols of success.

I got married with community support. I was offered beautiful furniture in excess of $5000 for the package which I turned down. I got married with no furniture. My used kitchen table doubled as my shabbos table with a used white table cloth that was burnt in a fire and abandoned. I covered over the scorch marks. Before the table cloth, I used my white sheet. I promise you I could have had a dozen people buy me a table cloth if I told them of my need.

Having to pay for things puts one on a trajectory of figuring out how. We have surpassed all the others who got married the same time as us. Paying for all this stuff cripples the couple as does all the government giveaways.

silbergirl

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:45 am

The problem is the expectations are very high re financial support after the wedding nowadays, because of course there ARE ppl who can buy the couple an apartment in Jerusalem, an Italian full wood dining and bedroom set and support the boy for the next 10 years fulltime learning. This raises the bar a lot for families that cant provide that and if you cant, your kid may not get the shidduch he or she wants... I have seen that among chasidim (some sects even demand expensive gifts for every Shabbos during the engagement, one shabbos a pearl necklace, the other Shabbos earrings, a gold watch for the boy, an expensive ivory incrusted shtender, that full leather shas set.....), litvaks and MO.
It is unhealthy and takes the focus off finding a suitable shidduch. Thats one of the reasons so many ppl get divorced nowadays, too many things causing tension even before the wedding (who pays what and how much) and focusing too much on gashmius, rather, than personality.

We got married, we literally had nothing. No support from the families. The community did a haknassas kallah, we had a small, but heimish and beautiful wedding and we inherited some furniture from another newlywed couple who moved to eretz israel and also inherited that furniture before (when we are ready for it we may as well give that furniture away to another young couple). The apartment rent, me and hubby paid jointly from savings and wedding money. Tablecloth, beddings, kitchen stuff I wisely put on the wedding list, so noone gave us junk and we only got stuff we actually needed. We got lots of moral and hands on help from several tzaddikim in our community who were delighted to help build a new beis neeman. I do not want to rely on gifts but I was very happy to recieve them.

Now B"H the financial situation seems to be better, we both found jobs. We should iy"H be able to repay all the tremendous chesed people showed to us.
And that is true for most young frum families here in Europe (outside of some chasidic circles, the UK and some parts of French Jewish society). It seems to be pretty much Israeli and American NYC mentality to make huge demands before the wedding.....

Noone (who is older than 20) should rely on their families money, especially noone should pick their mate according to the wealth of the in laws or grandparents. its just not right... maybe thats the Yekkie in me, no idea. Smile

Last edited by silbergirl on Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:54 am; edited 2 times in total

luppamom

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:46 am

amother wrote:

I feel similar to you. Perhaps there is an element of גאוה, but I love to support myself and pay for my own things. I don't like relying (or worse, asking) my parents or anyone for help. BUT, I gladly and graciously accept gifts. I just do not like to ask for them if I don't need to. I'd much rather use second-hand furniture w/ my wedding money than know that someone begrudgingly paid for it just b/c it was on the list of things they HAD to buy.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 8:55 am

I think it is terrible to have the "who pays for X" mentality. Why not let each side/couple decide what needs to happen and who will pay? According to their wants, needs, and ability. When I got married we were both at the tail end of schooling (whichever degree was needed for our respective fields). We still don't have a bedroom set- who needs anything more than 2 mattresses? Most of our furniture is from very generous parents/in laws who gave us stuff from their garage. Some was new but was not expected at all. We planned on Saving and dealing with a folding table and chairs to eat on.

Those packages of $5000 for a bedroom set drive me crazy. Why up the financial demands on parents who can't afford it???

Sanguine

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 10:41 am

sourstix wrote:

A little OT but someone please explain how it works that Chassidim who don't go to college so have a very low incomes, twenty yeas later are making enough to manage to make weddings for 10 kids and then support them in Kollel and buy them all the things they need (like BR sets, DR sets...). Do the parents buy the apartments too?

silbergirl wrote:

there ARE ppl who can buy the couple an apartment in Jerusalem, an Italian full wood dining and bedroom set and support the boy for the next 10 years fulltime learning. This raises the bar a lot for families that cant provide that and if you cant, your kid may not get the shidduch he or she wants... I have seen that among chasidim (some sects even demand expensive gifts for every Shabbos during the engagement, one shabbos a pearl necklace, the other Shabbos earrings, a gold watch for the boy, an expensive ivory incrusted shtender, that full leather shas set.....),

So how does it work? How do these uneducated men support all their married children and buy them all those items? I'm not looking for discussion if they should. I'm just wondering how they do

Last edited by Sanguine on Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:22 am; edited 1 time in total

Maya

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:01 am

Quote:

A little OT but someone please explain how it works that Chassidim who don't go to college so have a very low incomes manage to make weddings for 10 kids and then support their kids in Kollel and buy them all the things they need (like B sets, DR sets...). Do the parents buy the apartments too?

Most people go into debt to cover the weddings and all that comes along with that. $5,000 for furniture is on the lower end; most people pay way more than that.

Just for clarification, the average Chassidish family does not live the kollel lifestyle, and only wealthy people support their children after marriage. Most new couples live off the wife's salary until they have their first child, at which point most men get a job, even if the wives continue to work.

(Notice I used words like "most" and "average.")

Last edited by Maya on Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:01 am

Neither my parents, nor in-laws are rich.
I couldn't find a decent apartment that I could afford to pay rent at that time. The first 3-4 months my parents and inlaws alternated paying the rent. At the end, my entire paycheck went for rent, gas and electricity bill (usually not covering). We lived off what my parents and in-laws chipped in about $250 monthly each which was a total $500 a month was for groceries, odds and ends and a new pair of shoes if needed.... (We didn't want to take more than was totally necessary.) sometimes it was less and sometimes none. That was for about 8 months until dh found a job. Bh we have been able to repay it all.

That was it for support. Which we soooooo appreciated.
We lived in a furnished apartment till recently. We just moved and bought a kitchen take and chairs -used, a dining room table and chairs - used. A brand new coach and new beds. Dinning room breakpoint -used and bedroom furniture -used is supposed to arrive soon iyh! We are happy to be able to pay for it ourselves. Our parents shelled out enough $$$ for the wedding night. We are both the 10th child....

It really depends. In out circles it is very unusual though. We are Satmar