Who pays for the dining room and bedroom set?

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 6:20 pm

Chassidish husbands work, mostly in business. They're not necessarily low income as the poster stated.

It's the Yeshivish families marrying off girls (aka buying SILs) that I wonder about. How does a non-working father marry off girls in a community that expects 'good' boys to be supported?

Frumdoc

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 6:22 pm

What is a bedroom set, btw?

Matching beds, dresser, wardrobe?

Because no one I know has that, we all have a mismatch of Ikea/ family passdowns/ secondhand shops or sale stuff and the occasional heirloom that cobbles together to make a comfortable homey environment. Friends, siblings, and parents. The only people with matching sets I know got them in the 70s and they are ghastly, but haven't fallen apart so no reason to replace them!

Us Europeans who still live there are pretty non materialistic about appearances as long as the functionality is there, at least in my circles.

DH and I have matching beds, as we bought them together, non matching bedside tables as one was his from childhood and one we got from a house sale, built in wardrobe from the previous owners and an ikea chest of drawers. It blends, in a complementary mismatching way. I do think those advertised dark wood sets I see in the frum magazines are phenomenally unattractive, if that is what everyone is talking about, and have no desire to ever own such a set.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 10:15 pm

Anyone know how much a wedding costs? Maybe that money should b spent on furniture that are meant to last a number of years rather than being spent on one night?
Yes weddings and flowers and photography cost money but alot goes to waste. .money that could go a long way in setting the young couple up comfortably.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 10:42 pm

Sanguine wrote:

Thanks for your "ramble"
I guess it works cause Satmar marries Satmar. My kids are like us, wouldn't want an overdone wedding and they know we can't pay for an apartment... But when the kids get married (some of mine are old enough to), there's always the other side who may have different ideas than you.

"Rambling" amother here.
Your right sanguine. That's why we would like to own our own apt and iyh be able to save up for that. We have one dc so far and another on the way... life just gets more expensive. And I so hope expectations amd standards will be different by then.

What one of the posters said about enjoying your own paid for and chosen furniture, so true! But I do get why parent want to buy the kids furniture and set them up completely.
Getting a final turn off notice and no 'cold comfort' of a nice apt is even worse. Trust me.

Bh we are up to where we are now.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 10:56 pm

Jeanette wrote:

Relax. She didn't say anything about litvaks.

she didn't have to. I grew up near one of the largest yekkeshe communities in the world and I know exactly how yekkes view Eastern European Jewry. As far as they're concerned, this country was devoid of Yiddishkeit till they landed here and brought the light of Torah and classical music to the ignorant masses. All the shuls, schools, tzedkas, chevra kadishas, mikvas, gmachs, kosher butcher shops, Jewish newspapers did not exist as far as they were concerned. And I believed their mythology until I met a real, live historian whose specialty is Jewish life in the US during the time of the great wave of immigration during the late 19th through the first half of the 20th century, who showed me that there was a splendid and active religious community or rather multiple communities from different countries, each with its own or shared shul and other Jewish communal services, and no lack of Torah study OR secular culture.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:07 pm

sneakermom wrote:

Those that set their kids up with everything are usually of European descent.

.

Aren't the vast majority of American Jews of European descent, even if their families have been American-born for many generations? The first Jews to land on these shores were from Spain and Portugal, which last time I checked were both still part of Europe. Those of North African or Middle Eastern descent are surely in the minority, albeit a significant and respected minority, and those from places like India are even smaller in number. Where does your family come from that you think otherwise?

Jeanette

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:08 pm

amother wrote:

Whew. No idea where that rant is coming from.

But anyway, just about every Jewish group on the planet has been accused at least once of thinking they're the only type of Jew in existence.

Mevater

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:17 pm

sneakermom wrote:

Those that set their kids up with everything are usually of European descent.

Absolutely! Am I the only one who is familiar with divorces that came about because Americans (even very wealthy) just couldnt make peace with being asked to give equally towards purchases made for a couple by European style Machatonim, who generally had less money than the Americans?

The wealthy Americans were shocked and disgusted! How dare the Machatonim expect...

Last edited by Mevater on Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

Jeanette

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:21 pm

Mevater wrote:

Absolutely! Am I the only one who is familiar with divorces that came about because Americans (even very wealthy) just couldnt make peace with being asked to give equally towards purchases made for a couple by European style Machatonim, who generally had less money han the Americans?

The wealthy Americans were shocked and disgusted! How dare the Machatonim expect...

Yes, it's tough coming in to a marriage with different backgrounds and expectations.

That's why I think the smartest thing to do (unless you're marrying into the same culture) is for the standard to be that the couple pays for their own furniture, whatever they can afford/scrounge together, and anything above that is a gift, freely given by the parents on either side or whoever wants to provide it.

rainbow dash

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 2:38 am

I was living in Israel and my dh is antwerpen. We as in dh and me paid for our own wedding. We brought all our own furniture, either new but most of it is free. Second hand couch, table and chairs etc that people were upgrading and gave it away, and it looks brand new.

Dh has parents and I dont. Just grandparents.

And no, not everybody here has money. I have some friends whose parents can afford to give their kids everything from a brand new house with everything in it to friends that struggle every month.

PinkFridge

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 9:41 am

amother wrote:

Apologies for not reading pp. 2 and 3. But I've seen some of the quality furniture some young couples get when they get married. And after a few years, or maybe even sooner, it's not necessarily their taste. I'm glad not to have got trapped with "comfortable."
Sure, I'd take towels, linens, kitchen stuff, but not furniture. Better to get inexpensive, or maybe quality off of Craig's List or estate sales, etc., after a few months of getting to know each other, one's tastes, etc.

ETA: Not that I wouldn't love to help my kids, and did with some basics, but had we been able to help more, we would have done so judiciously.

Mevater

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 10:11 am

Curious what percentage of Kollel couples in Lakewood, supported by parents with at least $1,000 a month for many years (3-5 years average so its close to $50,000 of expenses, give or take, besides the wedding), which is the routine there, whether we like it or not, got married with out at least a good bedroom set?

Imho some Lakewood couples get both quality bedroom and dining room sets, most get at least a quality bedroom. Anyone disagree?

luppamom

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 1:34 pm

malkacooks wrote:

how does it work in israel? I would love to know

You have to be more specific. Which groups? It's the same as America... There are so many different types of people, circles, families and couples.

A lot of newlyweds that are planning on moving back to America usually rent furnished apartments. Also, there is a business where people take their machsan or part of their apartment and make it into a newlywed apartment. They usually furnish it as well. A lot of my friends (ones that are not planning on moving to America) rent these. But, it really only prospones the question and by that point most people are not talking about how they got the funds, none of anyone's business, IMO>

Fox

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 1:45 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

But I've seen some of the quality furniture some young couples get when they get married. And after a few years, or maybe even sooner, it's not necessarily their taste. I'm glad not to have got trapped with "comfortable."

Sure, I'd take towels, linens, kitchen stuff, but not furniture. Better to get inexpensive, or maybe quality off of Craig's List or estate sales, etc., after a few months of getting to know each other, one's tastes, etc.

I've seen this in my extended family, and an amother poster a few pages ago mentioned it.

Most young couples move repeatedly, and this is hard on furniture -- yes, even high-priced "quality" furniture. My relative's expensive bedroom set and dining room set looked really banged up by the time they bought a house and settled for good.

And how many apartments have you seen where big, house-sized furniture is crammed into inadequate space in anticipation of "someday." I'd rather have appropriately scaled Ikea stuff in my small apartment and buy bigger or more impressive stuff when I settle down for good, more or less.

I think the mentality of buying all this stuff at the time of the marriage is partly based on the idea that if you don't do it then, you'll never have the money for it. There's some truth to this, but buying expensive furniture (whatever you consider expensive) that is going to be moved repeatedly doesn't seem like such a good idea.

Like PinkFridge, no matter who is paying, I'd want to wait a few years to make sure my purchases matched my taste and my long-term living quarters.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 1:57 pm

Mevater wrote:

I think there's alot of variation in Lakewood. For myself, I did get a bedroom set, and a dining room set (table, chairs, and wall unit) when DH and I got married, but no support after. I know others who have been supported, but they did not necessarily get dining room /bedroom set. And some who got both. I guess it depends on what their parents could afford.

I actually didn't want all that furniture in my first apartment, but my parents told me it's now or never. and ITA with fox - it's a shame, and when we bought our house and the furniture was moved, it was never the same again.

malkacooks

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 2:00 pm

luppamom wrote:

thank you. my relatives are all in har nof and I'm always curious how these things work. My sister made aliyah and jer choldren are about to enter the parsha, so we are both clueless to this system in israel

amother

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 2:12 pm

Our DD and DSIL are in Lakewood. DD picked a pair of beds, a nice couch, and an inexpensive table and chairs from a furniture store. For their second bedroom, I let her take the high riser from her bedroom. I helped her find a nice dresser on Craigslist. DH ordered lower cost shelving for their shrank, and DSIL found a friend to help reinforce the shelves, which tended to buckle under the weight of heavy seforim. DD found a cheap end table at a yard sale and refinished it. They bought their own linens.

I think we spent about 2000-3000 for what we paid.

LEsheva

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 2:20 pm

My husband and I are both from very OOT families who "spoiled us with love, but money wasn't the reality." They paid for a simple but perfectly beautiful wedding BH, and we knew that we were going to need to be financially independent, though we could ask for small help if needed. We are both in grad school for jobs that will iyH pay very well, and as such are on student loans.

To furnish our apt, we spent our engagement scouring the local email listservs for second hand furniture. BH we furnished our whole apt - dining room set for 8, 2 couches, 4 bookshelves, basic spring beds and dressers - for under a thousand. Nothing matches, but we are happy with our fun, personality home Smile

This process does take work though. We named one couch the "be a mensch" couch because it was such a hassle to physically get it and therefore challenged us to be more patient and shalom-dig Wink