Purim day and the stress it involves

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 4:14 am

etky wrote:

Actually, if you think of it, the men are pretty peripheral to the holiday.
The women are the ones who get into the spirit of it way, way before - planning and creating MM - complete with themes and poems, making or buying costumes, cooking and baking for the seuda etc.
Women have to go to megilla too, and in our community we have womens' readings so any woman who wants to lein can do that too.
The men show up to shul and come to the table to eat (and drink...).
Yeah, I'd say that since so much of how we celebrate Purim capitalizes on 'women's skills' , it's not really a mens' holiday at all. They're actually more like a third wheel come to think about it. Maybe that's why they drink so much. They have nothing better to do since practically everything about this chag builds off of traditionally female talents.
So, OP- since they're at loose ends why not co-opt them into areas like child minding, cutting up salad, setting the table, straightening up the house, making MM runs to distant addresses (and how about taking Moishe or Sara along with you for the ride?), stuff that they can do while you run the show?

Etky, love love your outlook. And could not agree more.

cinnamon

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 4:34 am

etky wrote:

This is my take on things. Purim is my day. Dh usually gets drunk and can't handle it anyway. Smile

etky

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 4:43 am

Another thought - for all the imamothers whose DH's get drunk at the seudah - maybe prepare a list of things that you expect them to do BEFORE the seudah. Present it to them well before the chag so that it's not a surprise. Maybe even make it like a schedule to give their day structure. It's all too easy for the men to just spend the time between megilla and the seuda shmoozing and sitting around while the women are running around like chickens w/o heads. They often don't know what to do with themselves with all the unstructured time and the commotion in the house. Such a schedule can also be beneficial to you and help you feel more in control on such a hectic, stressful day.

Sammy375

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 5:32 am

Purim is very stressful with so much to do, but DH and I put a lot of effort into having fun with the kids. And our attitude and effort has paid off... Our family LOVES Purim. It is our family holiday. We dress up in a family theme costume, put together ourselves from things we have or bits and pieces we buy. It's top secret until Purim. We have been doing this for a few years now, and everyone loves it, including my teenagers. My oldest is at Yeshiva this year so we have a theme that works with and without him, as he will only be coming home after Megillah in the morning. Some years MM fit the theme, others I opt out. I work full time, so I bake in advance and freeze. We assemble MM as a family at night after Megillah. Each of the kids gets to make a list of 10 friends to give MM (usually becomes more than that and they make deals among themselves where a family has more than 1 kid same age). Kids deliver what they can on foot, and DH and I split up the list and take the kids out throughout the day in different directions. We fill a laundry basked with MM to make shlepping to the car easier, print up a bunch of notes with the kids names and keep them in the front seat and staple to the MM as we deliver (in the past we made the mistake of attaching before, then each kid was all "Hey, we're the one with my name on it" while we're blocking traffic...). Laundry baskets are also good for hauling in the "loot" from the car afterwards.

Megillah is a family affair at night (have to show off the costumes). When the kids were younger, I went to a later reading because the chances of being yotzei were slim to none. In our neighborhood in the morning there are multiple readings, including women for women, everyone goes to their own. Younger kids go with me or with DH depending on what time they get up.

The last couple of years we have gone to neighbors for seuda. 3 families eat together and we all chip in preparing the meal. My children's sustenance on Purim is usually made up of sugar and white flour with sprinkles on top... if they want something to eat at seuda, great. If they are busy playing with their friends, also fine. I make sure to have something in the fridge so that when we get home and someone says, "Mommy... I'm huuunnngrrryyy" (I know it's the sugar kvetching... and as easily my 18 year old son as anyone else!) I can whip out a piece of schnitzel and some rice.

The after-party is dividing up the MM the kids got! No one is allowed to say "this is from MY friend, I'm not sharing." Everything is put together. We separate baked from packaged, put aside things to take to the chayalim at the checkpoint on the way to Yerushalaim, things for DH and myself to bring to work, this year I am sure there will be a pile to go back to Yeshivah with my son. Kids shuffle off to bed, DH and I try to clean up the disaster zone we once called our living room... and collapse in bed happy and exhausted.

The next day my parents usually invite everyone to Yerushalaim for seuda, so we have an easier time on the family front since it's a day apart. Depending on how Purim falls out, DH and I often have to work, but will come home early for my parents' seudah. This year not a problem!

Last year my daughter made a "Haman" by stuffing old clothes and a pillow case head with newspaper, and hung him from her window on a rope. I think she saved it in the basement, we'll see if she remembers it. I can't imagine doing that in the States...

Chag Sameach!

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 6:12 am

I used to have that negative attitude about Purim as well. Well, I've learnt to change priorities in my life. Yes, Purim is very very stressful, but now I enjoy it. DH still gets drunk, but its a men's thing, and on this one day of the year it is actually a mitzvah. I understand that I must understand his need for this, just like I want him to understand my need for some things that he wouldn't naturally understand. So we compromised on l letting him get drunk, but then he cannot come home until he can walk a straight line, which means he's basically in control of himself.

MM is sent to a minimum of people and very very simply. Mine and my husband's siblings have decided not to send to each other for the very reason of being overwhelmed as is, and we are moichel it. Only neighbors and rebbes get MM. Teachers get on the day kids have masquerade and Purim parties. Seudas are prepared in advanced and on this day, it is eaten on a come and go basis. I let it stay on the stove on the tinniest flame possible so it stays warm. Everyone in the family serves themselves, only kids too young to reach for the pot are being served. Whatever they eat, they eat, and what not, so big deal.

I don't let drunk people into my house, ever. Not even on Purim, this way it is my Yomtov as well. I don't answer the door on Purim, and it is locked. Whoever is allowed to come in has the combination of the lock, so no need to answer doors.

If I am in the mood, I go outside to have some fun, if not, I stay inside and maybe look out the window to see some Purim stuff.

Megilla is something I also make myself as easy as possible. As long as I had only little kids, I planned for kids to be asleep when I go to shul, with DH babysitting. I killed 2 birds with this one shot. First, DH was able to catch up on his learning/ Tehilim obligations for the day, and second, my kids got their well needed sleep while everything was still quiet outside. Soon it would be too loud for them to fall asleep and they would then be cranky all day.

With all of this planning and prioritizing, I still need to clean away tomorrow lots of Purim stuff. I therefore, start doing it when my kids go to sleep on Purim night. All MM wrappings and food that go to garbage, I do immediately. By the time drunken DH is not drunk anymore and manages to come home, lots of the stuff are in the garbage cans outside waiting for the garbage trucks to pick them up. Tomorrow is still hectic, but already tolerable.

My main goal is to make it as enjoyable for myself. On this day I know if I'm not going to take care of myself, nobody will. I don't want it to end in depression, which is how it did in the past.

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 6:51 am

I really feel validated to hear of other mums who find this chag a bit ach. I loove yt anf shabb and my kids know it. Unfortunately I stupidly let on I dont love purim and now I need to work on swinging that round so as not to bring ul daughters who dislike purim.
Dh doesnt get drunk. We hear megillah separately while other babysits little ones. I do host a big seudah and I go to work till 1. And with quite a dew kids who all wanna get in on the action and give mm its exhausting. We live 20 min away from their class friends. So this yr only my younger two will be driven around (takes about 2 hrs) by dh to friends while older ones can gi e to friends at skl and neighbours on day. I personally only prepare about 6 for dh and I to give....still stressful!!! Any other tils? I know its all in the attitude Wink

even so...

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 8:04 am

chanee wrote:

Purim day: The day starts with running to shull to hear the mgillah reading while someone is the babysitter. Then tracking all kids with giving out shalach mones. Then going to suadas and making sure the young kids eat in the big crowd coming and going. After all the fun we have to get home with tired babies and no help of dh because he is drunk and no where to be found. Is there any other way to do this? I'm starting to get stress just by thinking about all this.

Have each kid give one or two, nearby.
Don't make sure kids eat.
Leave early.
Have dh fend for himself.
Maybe have food delivered to your house instead.

If it makes you dislike Purim, why do all the social stuff? stick to the mitzva...

chanee

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 1:25 pm

Thank for everyone who's trying to help. I realize there are different schedules for purim in every family and neighborhood and not everyone can make the easy way work. I wouldn't mind taking turns going for mgilah reading. I would rather work that day or send young kids to a babysitter so they should at least have a nap and I shouldn't have to shlep them around tired. And right, purim started already since chamisha user was over. Ye, the planning and preparing is way longer than one day.
So I calculated all things bringing the hecticness on purim. 1- megilla, the shull is not too far but I can't leave kids unfed undressed for babysitter. 2- then rushing suada because we must have the time to go to all bubbies and teachers. Yes, this is the way we do it. 3-then the turning point, there's no napping for the toddlers, no time to feed younger kids and at last 4- shleping home by myself with all kids.
So tell me. Should we not go to all grandparents? Not go to all teachers? How can the toddlers be napped and fed normally?

imaima

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 2:04 pm

chanee wrote:

Don't go to all teachers. Why in the world should you?
Come home from shul and put your kids down for a nap. Have dh send out mishloach manot and visit the grandparents. When the kids are up, make a seuda.
Where are you eating your meal? What time is the reading? What are the ages of kids?

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 3:30 pm

Here's what I do to try to keep the day as manageable as possible: (I live in Lakewood, BTW)

My DH and boys come home pretty late from shul because they stay to learn at Yeshivas Mordechai Hatzaddik. So I wake up early and hear Megillah at the Vasikin minyan, so that I can cross that off my list.

They grab a quick breakfast, while I load up the car with the kids' help with MMs to be delivered. Then DH takes the kids to deliver and visit the grandparents who are in town, the great-aunt, the Rebbeim and Morahs and then everyone else. (I don't visit the grandparents. They don't need to see everyone on Purim; just the kids is enough.)

I stay home enjoying the peace (except for the ringing doorbell by the friends delivering MM). This gives me time to do the last minute stuff for the seudah.

Then, DH drops the girls off and heads to Mincha with the boys. He comes home, we pack the car with our Seudah contributions and drive off to our friends' home, where we share the seudah.

That is when DH has his chance to get drunk. And, after, I do have to do bedtime on my own. But, since I know that is what is going to happen, I am mentally prepared for it. I usually do bedtime on my own, anyhow.

I sympathize with those who are indignant at the idea that Purim is a man's holiday. I am not weighing in on that. But, I will say that I feel that the woman's job is to ensure that her kids have a super fun, joy-filled day, and not spend the day shlepping around and groaning how tough it is. Chin up and bear it, for goodness sakes! Life is not always easy street and your attitude makes all the difference.

(Just for curiosity's sake-do you kvetch as much about how hectic Black Friday or some other sale day is?)

spring13

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 3:52 pm

chanee wrote:

Can you get a babysitter to stay home with the napping toddlers while the older kids are out seeing their teachers? Or have just you or just DH take them for that part while you stay home with the little ones? Can you get together with some neighbors in your kids classes and arrange 1 person to take 3 of them to rebbe A while you take 3 to morah B? Have chicken nuggets and carrot sticks at 4pm? I'm still not sure why DH can't help with megilla in the morning, he can go with some kids at one time and you can go at another time with other kids (or by yourself). Do shuls in your area not have quickie mommy-friendly megilla readings with no graggers? Those usually take about 15 minutes, maybe there's a very early one that won't interfere too much with the rest of your day.

Sit down with your husband and make a schedule that has ALL of these things on it - two different megilla times, MM, teacher visits, bubby visits, nap time, toddler supper time, seudah time, drunk time, bedtime. If you have smartphones, set reminders to beep and keep you on track (or just use an old fashioned alarm clock or something). Warn your kids about the plan and that if things get messed up they might have to deal with skipping something - but maybe offer to reward them if they help the day go smoothly.