Vent - my guests ate my MM cookies

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:13 pm

Mevater wrote:

Usually if you hear people helped themselves to food in a freezer, it ends up being clueless young bochrim.

This is VERY weird for a couple to have done! Something is a little off... Ive been a guest many times and I would never DREAM of opening their freezer, never mind taking anything!!!

It almost sounds like "L'hachis" loosely defined as to aggravate... or funny people.

One of my kids learned the hard way after they allowed a young couple to use their home while they were gone. These people helped themselves to anything and everything and got candle wax from a decorative havdallah candle that they were using as a decoration, all over the furniture. They helped themselves to food and did not replace it.

Personally I will not lend out my home if I will not be here because if something is missing or broken, it will be a problem and I don't want my privacy violated either. I do say that those who are letting other use their home should be very specific about what they are granting permission to use. It is also proper for the "lenders" to offer something for the use of utilities and the cleaning of the home, if the owners will not be home.

penguin

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:15 pm

Does your freezer have a lock? Or can you install one?
But I totally agree you are entitled to a break from guests.

For Pesach? Do you have any relatives you can invite & thereby say you have no extra room?

Heyaaa

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:28 pm

Everyone you know are lacking social skills. The neighbors who pressure you to have company when they know how cramped it already is by you. The rabbis who tell their rabbi to yell at you. The rabbi who actually does yell at you. The couples who raid your pantry without your e.x.p.l.I.c.I.t instructions that they should please do so (and even with those instructions they still shouldn't but at least I could hear it).

Bottom line, OP, say no! You already said yes but you know how that turns out. It's still more than a month away, tell them, "I'm really sorry. Something came up and I realized that I cannot host your guests for you", that's it. Don't give more information just tell them that you cannot do it. If the rabbi calls you again (the nerve that he called you the first time) tell him that you really cannot do it.

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:32 pm

Heyaaa wrote:

The problem is, is that people know that OP does have room and is not cramped.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:32 pm

penguin wrote:

I don't have a lock on my freezer nor any relatives I can invite for Pesach. I am not sure I want a lock.

The guests also helped themselves to other things in my fridge. Those items can be replaced easily.

Iymnok

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 2:37 pm

Heyaaa wrote:

Also tell the Rabbi it's not his place to tell you what you can handle. Sorry, I feel that's out of line. Having a larger house does not make you a free hotel.

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 3:02 pm

Iymnok wrote:

Also tell the Rabbi it's not his place to tell you what you can handle. Sorry, I feel that's out of line. Having a larger house does not make you a free hotel.

The rabbi was way out of line but it is easier to say "no" up front than it is to say "no" after people have already booked airline tickets because they think that they have a place to stay. Now she may be stuck but at least she can lay down the rules.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 3:08 pm

People have given a lot of suggestions, which you rejected. You don't want a lock on your freezer, you don't want to write "don't take" on food, you don't want someone to have to "babysit" your guests, etc. And that's all understandable. But since you're not interested in any of these suggestions, it sounds like the bottom line is you just don't want guests in your home anymore and if that's the case, then it's pretty simple. Say no. I stopped letting people use our home for YT and at first it was pretty hard. But after about a year, people got the picture and stopped asking. People do think I'm selfish, probably. I'm okay with that though. I can't handle coming home to a house that needs cleaning (esp. bathrooms) right after an exhausting YT, especially when I worked hard making the house immaculate for our guests right before I left. People can be pretty thoughtless, especially young couples who think that going home to Mommy is a vacation.

ROFL

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 3:16 pm

Why can't you tell the truth. Sorry can't have your guests! They ate up my specialized cookies I made for mm. They were in the freezer and they took them and ate them. I can't stress like tis so sorry please no more guests from your family for the future. Tell the family that asked you tell the rabbi. If you give excuses they will not get it. If you tell them the truth they will understand.

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 3:24 pm

ROFL wrote:

Rabbis and others like that who use manipulation and guilt will not understand. They only understand their own needs. I have dealt with these types before and the only answer is for her to have her DH tell them not to call back with hosting favors in the future.

Raisin

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:01 pm

whats the point of putting a lock on the freezer? People who will do something like that will do anything. Next time it might be something else from another location. Op would need locks on every closet, shelf and room. Someone who would take carefully decorated cookies might think it is ok to take books, clothes or CDs.

Mevater

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:06 pm

OP, I wasnt clear that your teens were around. Did they try to tell the guests that the cookies were for Purim, or were your teens trying to be respectful? I guess even teens dont want to step on guests' toes.

But are you even sure that the guests were the ones to start eating the cookies?

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:22 pm

amother wrote:

They were very close family of one of my neighbors. The neighbors have a very full house. The guests are a young couple who obviously don't know boundaries.

I wouldn't ask the guests to pay because they are not well off. Also I want to give homemade instead of bought.

My problem is how to say no in the future. When I say this is not a good weekend, then they ask when a good weekend is. One family had a rabbi call me up and give me a lecture how important it is to host. I have been asked for Pesach about a month ago by that family. I originally said no and then changed my mind when pressured by the Rabbi.

I'd say no to anyone who tried using outside forces to manipulate me. And not a no for this time. No forever. And ever. And ever.

And don't listen to everyone saying it's ok not to host. They won't say that if you ask again in the future if you should. I was torn to pieces when I had the audacity to ask if I could not have guests once. It's funny here how people respond to questions. Here saying of course you should have said no and when I asked if I could say not it was of course not how dare you turn down such a mitzvah.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:31 pm

Mevater wrote:

I put out food for the teens. They are welcome to eat everything that is put out for them. I leave the goodies in the counter top in cake plates or plastic boxes.

The guests took the cookies out and put then on the table. My kids have been eating my less than perfect ones so they weren't aware I didn't put those out. The guests made a shabbos party of sorts. As I said I easily replaced some things. It was nervy but it didn't have the impact of eating my MM cookies.

These were sleepover guests in any event.

MagentaYenta

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:33 pm

I'm not going to comment on the house guest issue but the teenagers contributing. Those teens should have the cookbook out and be baking the best possible replacements they can. When that chore is done I'd have a convo with them as to what there punishment was going to be.

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:36 pm

amother wrote:

I lose those guilt mongers fast fast fast..... Toot Toot Tootsie goodbye to them! They used to do a number on me but I would rather give happily and willingly then to have a nervous breakdown over being everyone's puppet. Give what you can give without going nuts and say 'no' to what is too hard for you and don't let anyone else decide what you are capable of doing. There are advantage takers on every corner waiting for the naive and gullible who can't say 'no' or at least set boundaries and rules.

southernbubby

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:43 pm

amother wrote:

They were crass, period. You were kind enough to let them in and this is the thanks that you got. That does not mean that everyone is like that but I have learned to be selective about who I let in. The mitzvah of hachnasas orchim does not have to mean being completely taken advantage of.

bluebird

Sun, Mar 01 2015, 5:50 pm

southernbubby wrote:

The problem is, is that people know that OP does have room and is not cramped.

"I'm sorry, but our circumstances have changed and we're no longer able to host guests for the foreseeable future. I hope you can understand."

"But why guilt trip guilt trip?"

"It's personal and I can't discuss it. I'm sorry. I hope you can find other arrangements."