giving up your bed for guests

Motek

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 3:50 pm

Did you have to give up your bed for guests? If so, did you mind or were you resentful?

Should children have to give up their beds for guests? Do the PARENTS ever give up their beds for guests? If they don't, then they're not modeling this behavior for their children!

southernbubby

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 4:00 pm

I have a friend who had to give up her room at age 16 when the grandparents moved in with them. When she was 20 she started dating a very wealthy boy, even though she came from a very poor family. When the boy's father asked why he wanted to pursue a shidduch from such a poor family, he told his father how she uncomplainingly gave up her room for the grandparents and slept on the couch. The father consented to the marriage. Today this couple are major tzedukah givers in the community. They BH have been blessed with a fine family.

Ruchel

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 4:13 pm

Never. But we have guest rooms.
Now, dh had to give up his bed for me when I visited him. His mother threw him out and he slept at his office. Later he slept on the couch, because I felt real bad about the office thing.

Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 7:55 pm

Motek somehow I think that if a guest saw the kids were moved around for their sake then they would be less embarrassed then if the parents moved out of their room for their sake.

I don't really remember if I've ever had to give up my room/bed

Motek

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 8:12 pm

EstiS wrote:

Motek somehow I think that if a guest saw the kids were moved around for their sake then they would be less embarrassed then if the parents moved out of their room for their sake.

probably but my point is from the kids' perspective, not the guests!

Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 8:20 pm

well I guess it all depends on how the parents present it to the kids.
It could be

"hey shmerel, your cousin chaim is coming to stay for a week so you need to move out of your room and give him your bed. you can sleep on the fold up bed in yanky's room/ or on the couch"

or

"Shmerel, remember what we learnt about hachnasos orchim, what an amazing mitzva it is? well would you like the opportunity to share in that mitzva? your cousin chaim is coming to stay, how would you like to have the honor of giving him your bed and you can bunk up with yanky in his room on the fold up bed? we will make it fun and on motzei shabbos you and yanky can have a late night feast, after the kumzitz we are going to have with chaim and his guitar"

justanothermother

Sun, Jun 17 2007, 8:22 pm

When I gave my bed up, I slept on the couch in the living room, or in a sleeping bag in my parent's room. Of course only a kid could do that. Should my parents sleep in an open room or on the floor? The thought would never cross my mind. We as kids saw enough of our parents chesed and hachnosos orchim in action. Giving up a bed is just one small part of the mitzvah.

mumoo

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 3:31 am

I would give up my room for my parents, if it was necessary.

If your child is willing to give up his/her room, great. If he/she is not, I think it's wrong to force them. Some have a difficult time with this. Having guests is optional, your children are not.

Ima'la

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 5:10 am

I was always the first in my family to give up my room for guests - I think it may have been part of the deal of having that room - b/c it was the only one with an ensuite bathroom and was some distance away from all the other bedrooms. (I'm the oldest, and when we moved into that house, the other kids were too young to be farther than shouting distance from my parents' bedroom.) I never minded giving it up. If more bedrooms were needed, other siblings moved around too - I never heard anyone complain. My parents never gave up their room - it never occured to us that they should - their bedroom is private.

I don't think a child should have to give up his room if he'll resent it - but if it's presented in the right way, he'll probably be more excited to have guests than mind that he has to move - which can also be a fun experience for him. A young child probably won't even realize that it's an imposition unless that is what is implied to him.

And I don't think the parents are not modeling that behavior by not giving up their room - children should be taught that parents and children are not equals and different things are appropriate for different people.

sarahd

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 5:17 am

Agreed with ima'la. I also was always the one to give up my room and I never resented it (that I can recall). I also never felt that my parents should give up their room - it didn't even occur to me to expect that.

chen

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 11:40 am

But of course one gives up one's bed to a guest if one doesn't have a guest room! That's what being a host is all about. The guests also get the nicest, newest linens and towels, the shiniest flatware, the most spot-free glasses, and first dibs on dessert. (However--the really good burnt chicken and kugel scrapings that stick to the bottom of the pot are for the "kitchen staff" Wink

)

mumoo

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 2:36 pm

having guests is great, I do it all the time. they get the best of everything I have, because I did the inviting and am willing to accommodate. I just think that if a child does not have the same willingness - at this time- they should not be automatically expected to host your guest. forcing might have the adverse effect of squelching the natural desire to do it later

greenfire

Mon, Jun 18 2007, 3:36 pm

chen wrote:

)

what happens if you're a klutz and burn it all ... Twisted Evil

we once ate by a friend who had rare meat ... my son was younger at the time and thought it was "pork" ... a different time they went and the host & hostess were upset because the meat was burnt ... we ate it Mr. Green

- sometimes you just have to burn the food for your guests (we like it cooked!!!)

chen

Tue, Jun 19 2007, 8:44 am

Ugh, you remind me of the time I went to someone for Shabbos and they were running a leetle bit late with the cooking. The chicken was a nice lipstick pink and completely inedible, though mine hosts
seemed to think nothing was amiss. I kept assessing myself for signs of salmonella poisoning for 3 days afterwards! (B"H we escaped without incident.)

Cinderella

Tue, Jun 19 2007, 10:02 pm

No, I would not give up my bedroom/bed for guests. Nor would I make a child sleep on the floor or couch for a guest. If there is no room, than its just not doable, thats all, unless they want to sleep on the couch (have done it, and its NOT comfie). My ILs have offered up their bedroom (and they would sleep in their living room) to DH and I, but I refused, I felt VERY uncomfortable about it.