Quality of life | Imamother

amother

Brunette

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 12:35 pm

How has your overall quality of life changed since you got married? Did it change or stay the same? I heard a speaker once who said that for the most part, a person's quality of life and overall happiness level stays the same despite major changes and traumatic events. That a person who is happy will go back to being happy after ch"v losing a limb (for example) and a depressed person will go back to being depressed after winning the million dollar lottery (another example). I found this fascinating. Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

LiLIsraeli

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 1:17 pm

I heard that too. I think the main idea was that happiness is a matter of attitude, and not shaped by external circumstances. A person who constantly feels grateful for what they have and sees the positive in every situation is going to do the same even if they lose a limb c"v, after the initial adjustment period. And a person who is always looking at what everyone else has and comparing, or never happy with what he has, is not going to be happy in the long-term even after winning the lottery. Sure, there is the initial euphoria, but the point was that unless there is a major attitude adjustment, the baseline will remain the same and the person's happiness level will return there.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 1:32 pm

My quality of life on the whole is MUCH better now.

Sure I was happy as a teen. I'm a positive thinker and I was a dreamy child who buried herself in books

When I got married the first thing I noticed was the quiet. No screaming. No criticism. It was bliss.

My DH has added so much to the quality of my life. I'm a better person because of my relationship with him and while we've had some crazy ups and downs, he's still my best friend.

Children have added so much to the quality of my life. They are my safe harbor. When things get crazy I think about my children and find peace.

So no, the quality of my life did not stay the same. It drastically improved. BH.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 2:09 pm

LiLIsraeli wrote:

Do you remember which speaker it was because I cant remember where I heard it!?

amother

Gray

Mon, Sep 07 2015, 2:52 pm

I grew up in a very rigid home with a ton of rules. Even as a young adult (like, age 19) I had to ask for permission to use the phone (invitation for eavesdropping, including when DH called during our engagement) or go out with friends. I was not allowed to choose my own clothes when shopping.

So yes, my quality of life improved after I married. Freedom! Bliss!

vicki

Mon, Sep 07 2015, 3:42 pm

Yes, I've thought about this and I agree with it . I've also noticed this with people I know, but that is just anecdotal.
I believe happy, optimistic people will basically revert to their happiness and optimism at some point after a difficult period.
And a negative, pessimistic person will basically revert to their negativity and pessimism at some point after an uplifting period.

allthingsblue

Mon, Sep 07 2015, 3:53 pm

My quality of life and happiness improved dramatically. Before I married Dh, I had to work to be happy. I had to focus on the good things during some very challenging times. Now, thank G-d, the blessings in my life are overwhelming. I feel so loved and loving. I have gained self confidence. There is nothing in the world like the feeling of going to sleep in Dh's arms- I feel so loved and protected. I never feel lonely anymore!
It's not that I had a terrible, lonely life beforehand- it's just that life now is so much happier for me!

zaq

Mon, Sep 07 2015, 5:48 pm

I disagree because I think the speaker is misusing the term "quality of life". What the speaker apparently meant was "personal outlook" or perhaps "subjective assessment of quality of life" which is nothing more than "mihu he-ashir? Hasameach bechelko."

Relish is right: you have to define "quality of life" and most people see it as a summation of a number of objective factors such as health, social contacts, parnassah, home, access to goods and services, quality of those goods and services, and so on. All other things being equal, an amputee has, objectively, a poorer quality of life than a person with intact and functioning limbs. A person who has a grocery store around the corner has, objectively, a better quality of life than someone who has to walk half a mile to a grocery store, and a person with a bubby cart who has to walk that half mile has a better quality of life than a person who has to make that half-mile grocery run carrying his potatoes home on his back.

That doesn't mean that the able-bodied person is necessarily happier than his fractured friend. A person can have a rather poor quality of life but see himself or herself as fortunate and be quite happy. A person can have an excellent quality of life and see himself or herself as unfortunate and be miserable. (Remember Richard Cory?)

In general, I think positive people remain positive and negative people remain negative regardless of their objective circumstances , but not always. There will always be positive people whom life has slugged too hard one time too many for them to bounce back. Negative people, OTOH, will always stay negative. Nobody can make you happy against your will.

sneakermom

Mon, Sep 07 2015, 8:24 pm

Depression is a disorder and it definitely affects the way everything feels. The felt sense is probably what determines if a person is happy.

Perhaps it is true that outside circumstances don't necessarily change a person's felt sense too much.

I think three things determine the "felt sense,"

1. Brain chemistry. Some people have too little or too much serotonin or dopamine.

2. Early attachments. A constant loving mother that contained a young child is absorbed into the psyche and makes a person feel connected, happy and secure.

3. Trauma. If a person is exposed to too much trauma that can drastically change the felt sense. It brings the brain into a whole new space and sometimes there's no going back. (A person can come to a point of healing but the brain is forever changed)

imasoftov

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 8:52 am

I don't view my life as having just two chapters, before marriage and after marriage. There were some other formative events as well, such as leaving high school, leaving university, moving out on my own, making aliya. In general as the amount of autonomy in my life has increased (or been limited with my full consent, such as marriage or parenthood), so has my happiness.

My parents were good and loving people, but I still prefer life when I have a greater say in the decisions. Only a few of my pre-university teachers were the opposite of that, but still only a handful of very good ones were willing to let me make decisions for myself.

And not having gone directly from my parents' home to my husband's, I can separate the influence of each of these factors.

I don't think it's helpful to put unhappiness and depression on the same spectrum as the unnamed speaker (or the version the OP remembers) seems to have done.

zaq

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:24 pm

imasoftov wrote:

I don't think it's helpful to put unhappiness and depression on the same spectrum as the unnamed speaker (or the version the OP remembers) seems to have done.

Excellent point. Depression is not merely intense sadness but is qualitatively different.

Sadness over life events such as loss of a loved one, illness, job loss, or rejection by one's first or only choice of school is a normal and temporary response and in no way reflects a negative world view. People saddened by a loss still enjoy their favorite foods and activities and may even still think the world is a pretty good place to be even though they are deeply sad.

Depression, which can be triggered by the same kind of negative events but can also have no outwardly discernible trigger, is an abnormal response that lasts longer than normal sadness and is all-encompassing and debilitating. The sufferer takes no pleasure from things that normally give him pleasure, may be overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and may have difficulty just getting through the day and doing all the little everyday things that one does: eating, grooming, tidying up, going to work, socializing with friends. Under the influence of depression, one's world view cannot be anything but black regardless of the reality of one's circumstances.

Fox

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:44 pm

youngishbear wrote:

I agree that happiness is internal and not external.

So what determines a person's baseline (before working on their attitude)? Are some people just lucky to be born that way? Is it childhood experiences and nurturing?

I'm not an expert, but my reading suggests that neuroscientists tend to believe that the responses we group under the heading of "happiness" tend to be a result of nature, not nurture. Of course, you can develop habits that promote feelings of well-being, comfort, etc., but a lot of this stuff seems to be hard-wired.

Even more interesting to me is the research that relates intestinal bacteria to mood and outlook. It blows me away to think that we might one day treat depression or even "pessimism" with a tweak to our intestinal track.

amother

Navy

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 6:27 pm

I'm much happier financially, with less stress about where to live and having enough to eat, etc.

I'm more stressed becasue I have another person to live with, and all the demands that come with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off being independent, yet living in extreme poverty, or if I've made the right choice for the right reasons.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 10:38 pm

Navy, I totally understand you.

I grew up in hard stressful family situation, but now my life is more calm in that there is no anger / rage fits" and screaming like growing up but at the same time, I am forced to spend so much time "running" meaning that I am always working bec. I have to work full time in a stressful job and then care for my kids and husband and hardly have time to care for myself...

If I would not have all these bills and ppl. to care for, I would have a calmer life bec. my bosses at work are nasty antisemitic ...It is also hot /no a/c..there is no respect for my personal time... (I can't leave for financial reasons) but then to be single is not good either... so at this point, I realize that I want to try to enjoy life more bec. otherwise, life will pass--the kids will get older and hopefully move out to their spouses.... so
NOW I try to focus on the good things like that I could walk and see...(I know ppl. who cant)...that even though I hate my job --at least I have it..