Was this reallya terrible thing to do? WWYD?

amother

Peach

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 6:51 pm

DS (5+ YO) spilled a whole bottle of oil all over the floor of the living room this morning. I can't for the life of me figure out what triggered it.
The floor (and house) was already cleaned for Shabbos, though I expect to have to do some quick clean up before Shabbos.
I was really upset, angry and more. Since he has a tendency to keep going and making more trouble once he starts, I just put him in our small bathroom which has only a toilet and nothing else to mess up, and told him he must stay there until I finish cleaning it all up. He came out once and I told him I was so angry that I feel like giving him lots of "potches" - he had better stay there if he knows what is good for him.
It took much longer than I expected (maybe even a 1/2 hour or more). DS complained a lot about having to stay there alone so, so long with no food (it was before breakfast) or toys, etc.
How bad was it to do that, really? Should I feel guilty about this? I rarely use the bathroom like this - only as as a last resort. He was allowed to open the door and it is near the kitchen and living room.
What would you have done?

morah

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 7:01 pm

I don't think it was developmentally appropriate. The general rule with time outs- and this was essentially a time out- is one minute per year of age. Half an hour is eternity to a 5 year old. Also, I think it would have been more effective to have him help you clean up. I know, a child that age isn't going to do a good job and may even make a little more work for you, but in general, consequences that are directly related to the infraction are very effective. And this infraction has a pretty obvious direct consequence. You make a mess, you clean it up. Time outs have their place, but I think in this case, there were better options.

Laiya

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 7:23 pm

If he had been in the bathroom more in the 5, or even 10 minute range, I'd say your response was perfectly fine. Listen, maybe what you did wasn't ideal, but if you were really so angry that you would have hit him, then you did the right thing.

None of us are perfect, and if your parenting is generally ok, your son will be fine in the long-term despite this one incident.

Otoh, if he is constantly acting in an out-of-control manner, and constantly causing you to lose your temper, then that is a different issue that should be addressed.

(Re those who say OP should've made ds help clean up, I agree in general but disagree in this case. I don't think a 5 yo can clean up spilled oil, and it wasn't just a little. Esp. since it sounds like OP was concerned that he was looking to cause more damage/mess at the time.)

ETA, I see you wrote that he did it on purpose and it was an unopened bottle. OP, if it were me, I would've cried.

Last edited by Laiya on Thu, Aug 20 2015, 8:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peach

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 7:32 pm

Yes, he did do it on purpose. It was a sealed bottle, just bought.
Normally, I would (and do) have him clean it up - and then reclean when he is not around. This was really too much and making it any worse meant getting oil on/under furniture, spread into other rooms, etc. I think I washed the floor a4-5 times after picking up as much oil as I could. (Also, oil is slippery and dangerous.) It was really hard work, especially since some got tracked into other rooms.

What do suggest I have done? (Keep in mind that in his mood, he needed to be supervised pretty well.)

yo'ma

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 7:48 pm

I think you did good because if it was me, I would need time to calm down and not seeing him helps. Yes, it was a long time, but he knows he was there while you were cleaning and you didn't lock him in the room or even close the door. I would sometimes send a child out of the room while I clean up their mess and they can't come back until I finish because I would just get more frustrated with the way they clean it. Once everything is settled we can discuss it. I do make them clean up after themselves otherwise, but in those cases, it's much smarter if I do it. Moms need to calm down too.

sourstix

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 7:48 pm

listen the point is he should learn not to do this again. he got time out. a little long for this age. but you needed to watch out for him not doing more damage, and also cleaning up. I dont think it was terrible for him to sit there. these are things that life is made up of. hes 5 and 5 yr old do stupid things. they are immature. be proud you didnt smack him and get out of control. you did what you did and move on. if getting this behavior is frequent and hes out of control frequent and like another poster said if you getting too overwhelmed then you need to rethink of some other stuff.

morah

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 8:04 pm

If you needed to calm down, then removing him from the situation was right. It was just a really long time. During the time out, you can do the difficult parts of the clean up and then have him join you for the rest and he won't do too much damage. But don't beat yourself up. It wasn't terrible. There were better options, but you didn't do anything bad. It's hard to think it through in the moment.

rachel6543

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 9:46 pm

No, I don't think it was a terrible thing you did. A thirty min time out one time is not going to hurt your son. Your son made a big mess, which could be dangerous because oil is slippery and as you said your kid may have been planning to cause more trouble. It's better for your kid to be in "time out" in a safe place while you take care of the mess and have a chance to cool down.

seeker

Thu, Aug 20 2015, 11:21 pm

I'm on OP's side here. True a half hour is a long time for a little kid, but as a mom I realize you can't always judge these things that well in the moment, and in this case she had basically said he needed to stay out of the way while she cleaned up the mess he made without realizing how long it would take. And when you don't know how long something is going to take, it gets longer one minute at a time - you don't know that it's going to be 20 "just one minute"s! She was upset, had a mess and a crisis on her hands, and a DS who could potentially cause more mess/crisis/upset. So I am NOT inclined to start talking about how long the ideal time out would be, instead I say OP if you kept your cool and the situation was resolved well in about a half hour, you did great heroic parenting that time. I'm sure it wasn't very nice for DS but neither is what he did and trust me a 5-year-old doesn't starve from a half hour breakfast delay - my kid that age DOES wake up cranky until she has breakfast and she can STILL manage to delay it at least that long on her own just with distractions and diversions and stuff. So I definitely don't consider this any kind of child abuse/neglect.

Sadie

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 5:57 am

It sounds like you did the very best you could under the circumstances.
Ideally I would have the child clean it up, but you know your situation better than anyone else. If the child was on a rampage and needed a place to calm down without causing any more damage then you did the right thing. There are times when you can be perfect mommy doing all learning experiences/appropriate consequences and there are times when you are just on damage control mode and that is the best thing for that circumstance. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 11:04 am

Just BTW OP - I totally remember my brother did that when he was young - in the same age range! And just as bad was the time he spilled a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom - and the more we cleaned, the soapier it got.....Boy was he a handful!

Today he's a father of two little boys, and sounds like the younger one (a gingy!) is giving him a taste of his own medicine! Ha ha. They have to keep their microwave unplugged - at 18 months he was turning it on. And other stuff - sounds like he's totally following in his father's footsteps.

Some boys are just curious and mischievous. I think you did fine OP - it's okay for him to know this was a real no no. Glad he didn't follow up with the shampoo while you cleaned up the oil. B"EH he will turn out okay!

mommy3b2c

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 11:57 am

I have a child like the one you are describing. In this situation, if I would have done what you did, I would have applauded myself for not yelling and keeping my cool. Normally 1/2 hour is long for a time out, but in this case the punishment was a direct consequence. You made a mess? Now you have to stay out of the way until mommy can clean up and get things in order.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 2:39 pm

I think you did just fine. H did it on purpose,for absolutely no reason. The fact that he complained about it so much means it will leave a lasting impression. No one will die without food or toys for 30 minutes. I would have been a little worried he would have continued his destructive streak with the water in the bathroom though. I am glad he didn't.

I would have done what you did and because it was on purpose, I would have made him buy a new bottle of oil out of his allowance because he wasted the first one.

I would have cried.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 2:40 pm

amother wrote:

For a five year old?

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 2:43 pm

Chayalle wrote:

For a five year old?

You bet! Once when I was 5 or 6 I emptied out a tube of toothpaste into the sink because I felt like it. Mother made me buy a new tube. I never did anything like it again and I warned mmy siblings that they will suffer the same fate if they waste things purposely. If he is old enough to complain that he is bored and upset about the punishment, he is old enough to replace what he wasted.

Also OP mentioned that he has a destructive nature. Maybe if he has to replace what he destroyed he would sing a different tune.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 2:47 pm

amother wrote:

I hear. But a bottle of oil costs alot more than a tube of toothpaste, but a 5 year old probably lacks the awareness of relative cost of destruction. I don't know that I would charge them the full amount of the oil, if I was choosing this method. Maybe I would discount the price, without child being aware of it...if I wanted to make my point and teach the lesson.