How young can a child be emotionally damaged?

Stars

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 11:06 am

youngishbear wrote:

Eye contact with a 4 week old? shock

Until babies are 6 weeks old I did not expect them to display the ability to focus.

Children can be damaged emotionally when they are consistently ignored, especially when they are trying to reach out and bond. But up until 6 weeks all they need is food, sleep, clean clothes, and physical touch. No stories or smiles. None of my babies smiled (I mean a real emotion-based smile) that young. Going foward, the baby will need to see your face and learn to interact.

You did a more than amazing job till now, and if you realize this, you won't be dragged into the rabbit hole of negativity. If you convince yourself you're a failure, you botched up your child's entire life because of one week in infancy, then it will be hard for you to go on doing what you need to. This is the yetzer harah dragging you down. You may need some help to escape this rut, but remember that that's all this is: a small pothole in the road. It is not a desth sentence for your child.

This is a very smart bear. Listen to her.

5*Mom

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 11:36 am

kollel wife wrote:

I think you are being very hard on yourself.

The way you describe your concerns is what makes everyone think you should see a mental heath professional.

If you are taking care of the baby's physical needs and holding him when he cries, sometimes letting him cry when you are too exhausted - that's normal care. But your feelings of failure, inadequacy, criticism of yourself seem too harsh or extreme.

I agree with this.

What you describe in terms of your interaction with your baby at 4 weeks pp sounds normal and healthy. Your own feelings about yourself and your expectations of yourself, however, don't sound so healthy, and that's a shame because you sound caring and aware and like you're doing a really good job with a 1-mo-old.

I'm wondering if you've ever had anxiety issues or if there are issues from your childhood that haven't been worked out yet? Either way, I do think you and your baby will benefit from your seeing a therapist about your feelings.

Chani8's suggestion about scheduling regular intervals for interacting with your awake baby is a great concrete idea.

Mazal tov and remember that raising a human being is a long term project. Not feeling strongly emotionally bonded with your baby at 1 month is NOT predictive of the next 80 or so years of your relationship. It's okay to take it one step at a time.

heidi

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 12:32 pm

amother wrote:

I started off strong but now im not attentive enough and I let him cry more than I should. im lazy, I dont make enough eye contact, I dont play with him hardly at all, hes in the crib sleeping when he could be seeing the world. I dont read to him or show him pictures. im constantly distracted by other things, im always on phone or computer. I should stop but im stuck. baby is one month

be as harsh as you want, I know I deserve it

There is no such thing as letting a month old baby "cry it out."

heidi

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

extenuating circumstances? I have my own emotional issues to work through but thats not an excuse for poor parenting. I want to love my baby more than I feel like I do. I used to love him much more and now im distracted by other issues. I think maybe if I got out and went to mommy and me programs that might help. I hate feeling bothered by my baby, like he's a burden on me or something. I wanted him so badly for so long and now he is here and im struggling and he will grow up without enough love from his mother and that is so sad. so I need to stop that in its tracks NOW. im sad that he started to smile and then stopped developing the smile, and in fact has been very fussy and stopped sleeping well in the past week that ive been distant from him. its obvious thats what is happening. I got distant from the baby and the baby isnt happy anymore. he doesnt give me the same trusting loving look he used to. I think the baby isnt happy with me anymore, doesnt feel as safe with me anymore. so sad that happened at a month old. hes not sick, I keep him clean(ish) and fed. I barely bathe him because im so clumsy and bad at it, so he kind of stinks from old milk. I thought he was having trouble feeding, but it turns out he does best with one particular bottle top that I have. so I just screw that top on to whichever bottle I am using and now he is eating better. I do have help coming a couple days a week, including later today. she is great with babies and knows a ton about them. so I might ask her how to bond better with the baby. last time she was here I felt threatened that the baby was going to like her better because she was warmer and happier

with him.

OK, just read your posts over OP and you seem to be assuming your baby thinks and does things that one month old babies don't do. One month old babies don't give trusting looks. Very few one month old babies begin to smile (though yours may be precocious) and then stop.
You might have your own issues to work on, but it's not like you're worn down by months and years of caring for him. He's one month old for crying out loud. That's like 31 days maximum. And you have help coming in. You need some real emotional help-- for your real and imagined issues.

Stars

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 12:41 pm

heidi wrote:

Why the need to be nasty , heidi?

amother

Aqua

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 12:50 pm

sneakermom wrote:

It's normal to have ups and downs in the bonding process.

It sounds like you're feeling down. Do you have emotional support?

Being a mother right after birth is mighty hard. Your hormones are all over the place, add in lack of sleep and a body that needs to mend and it can feel really over the top.

And it takes time to love your child...and at a month old very hard to enjoy your baby.
I only enjoyed the newborn stage of my 4th kid when I was confident enough and the one on top of baby was big age gap so I had the peace and quiet at home. But my first few I was so nervous about so many things just couldn't wait till they were a bit older so they weren't so fragile.
It does sound like this is YOUR issue and not a parenting issue. Meaning maybe you always dreamt of being a perfect mother unlike your own mother and now you're scared you're like your mother....these kinda issues need resolving within you-nothing to do with your baby. Like working in therapy on your issues you have from childhood and relationship with mom.
MAZAL TOV! Chill a bit....rest your body and mind....eat well...try to sleep....take it easy!

Isramom8

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:25 pm

I read about a recent study that showed that physical contact is the thing newborns really need. If you're providing a decent amount of that, please don't upset yourself even more by feeling that you're not a good mother.

You sound like a good mother who needs to de-stress. When you're happier, you might perceive your baby as being happier.

I'm not sure that it's better to remove the baby from a view of you so that he doesn't see your emotions. You said that he should be seeing the world. At this age, you are his world. Let him have a view of your honest emotions as you go about your day. He will be seeing reality and on some level learning to handle it.

marina

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:44 pm

heidi wrote:

OK, all you imamothers are all warm and supportive, but are you seriously kidding me???
OP, babies can be damaged from BIRTH!!! A baby who does not have his physical and emotional needs met can grow up with attachment disorder and environmental retardation.
I don't know what is going on in your life, and if this is post partum depression or caused by other factors in your life, with your DH or something else entirely, but you are doing your baby an incredible disservice. Either get the help you need, or give your baby to a warm loving couple who can give him the love, attention and care he needs.

Heidi you need to apologize for this post. You are completely out of line.

It would have been appropriate for a poster who wrote about leaving her child in a crib for days, propping the bottle for all the feedings, and gave her child water and sugar instead of formula or breastmilk.

Instead the poster wrote that she doesn't play with him enough or make enough eye contact or read to him. Nothing remotely damaging, not now not in the long run, never.

Quote:

And now you posted this whole thing about how OP is imagining issues where there are none. Which one is it? And why didn't you read her posts over before posting your horrible post the first time. Get it together and stop posting mean things that don't make sense.

marina

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:48 pm

observer wrote:

Babies definitely DO get emotionally affected from early infancy. And no, not just in orphanages. Babies learn trust and attachment when their needs are met right away and when they are cared for with warmth. There are so many studies out on this.

Ladies, can't you give the OP support without condoning this behavior? Yes, mommy needs help, that's obvious. But don't condone what she is doing. It most definitely can affect a baby. Very much so.

OP, please call your OB and a referral agency to get a recommendation for PPD. Do it for yourself and your baby.

Many studies? Awesome. Can you post some peer-reviewed research showing that not reading to a 1 month old results in emotional problems? Can you post something showing that letting newborns sleep instead of letting them "see the world" results in emotional problems? Can you post something about how not making eye contact with your infant in the first 30 days damages him for life?

marina

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:58 pm

And OP- stop reading fuzzy-wuzzy parenting books or whatever is giving you this entire guilt trip.

Real moms are sometimes wiped out and distracted. Real moms sometimes wish they could run away. Real moms sometimes cry instead of smile at their babies. Real moms sometimes have PPD. Real moms sometimes have trouble bonding. Real moms sometimes don't read to their 4 year olds for weeks at a time, never mind their 4 week olds. Real moms sometimes don't attend to their child optimally and they are distracted by - hey - the rest of life. They walk away from crying infants when they are stressed and frazzled. Real moms don't always talk to their children in a sweet or loving voice, lol.

These children are not damaged or emotionally stunted or whatever. They grow up knowing that their parents love them and are doing the best that they can by putting one foot in front of the other and that's it.

Mama Bear

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:59 pm

Ohmygosh! OP, it's okay! You don't have to do all those things with a one month old! You're still a real kimpeturin. Seriously? Right now all you have to do is survive. Keep the baby clean, fed, safe, and comfortable. They don't need all that smiling and seeing the world and all that.
here's my suggestion on how to bond with the baby and at the same time feeling good.
Sit down on an easy chair - even in front of the computer - and simply hold the baby. On your shoulder. and relax. breathe in and out. The baby itself can be a tranquilizer. When your'e feeling stressed, just holding the baby and breathing in the baby's scent can evoke more maternal feelings.
Don't feel so worried/stressed about it. it will all happen in time. The baby will get easier and the bonding/smiling part will come more easily too.
If you don't feel better within a month or two, maybe see a therapist.
But you're totally having a newborn adjustment now and ther'es no need to feel bad.

Iymnok

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:06 pm

Of course your help is always calm happy and loving with your baby, it's only a few times a week! You are a mother full time. There have been a few times I've shoved a crying baby into DH's hands saying he better take care of him/her or I may do something really bad, then I go to a different room and get a tea, go online, or read a book... This does not detract from my mothering otherwise.
Everyone gets overwhelmed. It's okay.
It's rare for a newborn with older siblings to get the attention you describe. But they grow up fine regardless.
You have gotten some great responses here, take them to heart.
You are an amazing loving mother. You are also normal.