Shabbos kallah or Aufruf

Seraph

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:27 am

My BIL is getting married iy'h in a little bit. He and his kallah both live in the states.
No one in my husband's family has met the kallah yet- we've spoken to her on the phone, but thats about it.
Their wedding will be here in israel and they will be arriving about a week before the wedding.
The shabbos kallah will be at my SIL's house. The Aufrauf/Bavarfen/Shabbat Chatan will be at my in law's house.
My husband is going to the Aufruf at his parents house- its his brother, he wants to be there with him.

I was given the choice- go with my husband do the Aufruf at my in laws, or go to the shabbos kallah at my SIL without my husband.
I'm debating what I want to do. Its our shana rishona and I really enjoy shabbosim with my husband, so really don't want to spend a shabbos apart unless I HAVE to...
But at the same time, I don't really know my future sister in law, and would like to get to know her, and the shabbos kallah seems like it would be the perfect time to get to know her. (Especially because she and my BIL are going back to the states very soon after the wedding.) Not to mention the fact that the kallah doesn't know that many people here in israel, so the more people that show up to her shabbos kallah, the better. And I sorta feel like I'm gonna miss the sister in law bonding that would be going on. (Both my sisters in law will be there.)

What do you suggest? Spend shabbos with my husband at the aufruf? Or spend shabbos alone at the shabbos kallah?

Maybe as an added point- I'll be 36 weeks pregnant. Slight chance I'll go into labor. (But my doc has already pointed out- everything with this baby seems to be going later than usual, so I highly doubt it'll make an early appearance.)

supermom

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:48 am

Go to the shabbos kallah. You will enjoy yourself more by the wedding since you would have met and talked to her before. I had a choice to go to my sil's shabbos kallah or to the aufruf I chose to stay by the shabbos kallah. I really enjoyed the wedding even more since I got to know my sil's friends.

chen

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 12:31 pm

Shabbos kalloh. You have somewhere around 50 Shabbosim plus Yom Tovim during shonoh roshonoh with DH and only this one chance to get to know your future sil. If it were a cousin or a niece I'd answer differently, but the situation being as you explain it...let the males do the male bonding thing and you do the female bonding thing. Being mesameach the kalloh--even if it's before the wedding--is also a mitzvoh.

peach

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 12:37 pm

I hear why pple say you should go to the Shabbos Kallah and get to know her.

That being said, I personally would go with my dh, especially if I was highly pregnant. Even though you spend 50+ shabbosim together with him, that is the way its supposed to be. I would not deal well with being away from him and he would never go for that anyways.

But if you and dh are fine with it, it may work for you. What does dh say?[/I]

Seraph

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 4:42 am

momnys wrote:

But if you and dh are fine with it, it may work for you. What does dh say?

He left the decision completely up to me...

Marion- how would I let my husband know if something does happen? My in laws (aufruf) live in one city, my brother and sister in law (shabbos kallah) live in another city- altogether a distance of an hour, at least, driving wise from each other. (With jerusalem being half way in between...)

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 4:47 am

Marion wrote:

Shabbat kallah. IF something were to happen (labour wise) someone could let your DH know...arrange the signal in advance!

I learned that you can't even ask a [gentile] to do this for you (because it's nothing to do with pikuach nefesh) and someone else can come with you. DH didn't know that ds had been born on Friday night until Motzai Shabbos (he stayed home with the children and my sister came with me to the hospital in a different city).

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 6:17 am

You should stay with dh. Your baby could possibly make his or her appearance early. While it is disappointing to miss the time with your future sil, think how disappointed dh would be if he missed the birth!Speak to your current SILs about getting just the girls together to bond sometime during the week.

Seraph

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 6:24 am

Oh- I also want to mention:

When I was considering taking a doula to my birth, my rav said that on shabbos halachically I would be able to call my doula and have her travel (on her own) to the hospital to meet me there, because she's there to make my birth easier.
If having my husband there would make it easier for me, its possible for my rav to actually say that I'd be allowed to call my husband, on the small chance I would go into labor, and for him to travel to the hospital seperately...
I'd have to ask my rav- right now got a whole list of things to ask him- but if my being seperate from my husband for shabbos wouldn't mean giving birth without him, what do you suggest then?
Not to mention that I and my doctor highly doubt this baby will come early...

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 6:28 am

It is really such a small chance that you will give birth then, that I wouldn't even use it as one of the things to take into account. (And not only that it is unlikely with a first birth to both start contractions and give birth on Shabbos) It's not as if you are considering spending Shabbos alone.

Seraph

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 6:31 am

shalhevet wrote:

Ok, so that aside- what do you suggest then, shalhevet? Shabbos kallah or aufruf?

supermom

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 11:37 am

breslov wrote:

I was just going to type just that. And having your husband there with you is important to you that you feel that you won't be able to cope (like me) then what my rov told me was yes I was to call him to come. Ask your rav but this is what I was told and others.

My cousin married a cohen and she couldn't imagine herself giving birth without her husband being by her side. She ask her Rav and her Rav told her that her husband must be there with her. Giving birth is in the catagory of pikuach nefesh that is why you are allowed to be michalel shabbos.

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 12:22 pm

I say go to the Shabbos Kallah. You won't have another such an opportunity to get to know her before the wedding and you will enjoy the wedding so much more.
When I was six months married, my sil (husband's sister) got married to a boy from Williamsburg. My husband went along with his father and brothers to the aufruf in williamsburg and all the women (my husband's sister, brother's wife, and I) moved in to my mil for the Shabbos Kallah. It was such a beautiful Shabbos and we all enjoyed getting to know each other better, since I was only part of the family for such a short time.
(BTW, I was also pregnant but nowhere near giving birth yet.)