How to explain bat mitzvah in a loving way

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Brunette

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 6:16 am

How do I explain to my daughter how special it is to be bat mitzva - she already hates covering her elbows and still wears shorts socks. Since 9 we have been covering elbows (here and there she refuses) I just want to explain to her way it means to be bat mitzvahed and I don't want her to resent that. I also need ideas how to show her the beauty of tznius. I always dress tznius and try not to pressure her, but lately she is pulling her skirt way over her knees or doing things she hasn't been doing before and I don't want to be a tznius police because that would just make things worse for her. Any ideas?

DrMom

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 6:18 am

Isn't becoming a bat mitzvah more than lengthening sleeves and changing hosiery in your community?

amother

Brunette

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 6:55 am

Of course! That's why I'm asking on here how to explain bat mitzvah in a loving way, without my daughter seeing it as restrictions.

m in Israel

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 6:57 am

I would definitely not connect becoming a Bat-Mitzvah specifically with a mitzvah that she has difficulty with! I think you should be trying to create excitement over the concept that she is now becoming a full-fledged responsible "adult" as far as shmiras hamitzvos is concerned. Talk about Shabbos, Kashrus, tefila -- everything she has been doing until now has really been "practice" for this stage when she finally has her own chiyuvim. With boys it is more dramatic because they have so many external immediate implications -- they can be counted for a minyan, they start putting on tefilin, etc. But there is no reason why you can't try to get the same concept across to her.

You need to deal with her tznius challenges, but why on earth would you want her to associate her becoming a full-fledged member of Klal Yisroel with something that is negative in her mind?

dancingqueen

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:31 am

Do girls have any kind of bat mitzvah parties in your community? Something to look forward to?

chaos

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:27 am

When I was Bat Mitzvah age, in my community, it was common to do a community service project for your Bat Mitzvah. Yes, I grew up Conservative, but I still think it's a great idea to encourage your daughter in a chesed project that has particular meaning to her in honor of her Bat Mitzvah. I agree that to get her excited about her Bat Mitzvah, the focus should be on mitzvot other than tznius.

syrima

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:35 am

I think that just like with a bar mitzvah, some boys still look physically like kids and act like kids until after. it's an average age of maturity, but maturity does not automatically kick in on the 13th birthday.
Please tell yourself that Hashem is merciful and will forgive her for her elbows for a few years until she is more mature. Agree with posters who said find a chessed project for her to do instead.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:38 am

chaos wrote:

A lot of frum girls in my community do some sort of chessed project. Some schools don't allow any sort of party (ugg! A small party with the right perspective is fine! Especially when boys get caterers, rented halls and everyone is dressed fancy. Girls need a solid "turnover" date:I am an adult. They shouldn't feel like second class!).
But those who are allowed parties often do something chessed oriented. But I have seen girls who don't have parties take up something on their own as an after school project. Call up your local chai lifeline- see if there is anything that your daughter can do. Or any other association that resonates with your child. I only mention chai lifeline as many girls that age like doing something for "kids just like me" rather than a vague "some impoverished family".

amother

Brunette

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:16 pm

Thank you for all your replies. Can anyone give more ideas of a cheesed project or something special she can do. She had made a bake sale in the past for tzedaka so other ideas is greatly appreciated

chaos

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:52 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for all your replies. Can anyone give more ideas of a cheesed project or something special she can do. She had made a bake sale in the past for tzedaka so other ideas is greatly appreciated

I'd start the conversation with your daughter and invite her to think about what causes or projects are most meaningful to her. You don't want the conversation to feel like you are dictating something for her to do, but rather, encouraging her to do a chesed project in something she is already interested in or even passionate about.

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