Do you "friend" married men?

MountainRose

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 9:49 am

I've just moved to a new town and I'm going on a Facebook friending frenzy, trying to build new friendships. For some reason, I feel really weird friending married men. I am happily married, they are happily married. We all sit down at the shabbos table and talk to each other socially. But I have a mental block when it comes to friending them . . .

But sometimes, I have stuff in common with the husband, professionally, or in terms of interests, so I want to friend both of them. But it gets really tricky when the husband has a facebook account and the wife doesn't. It feels really weird to friend a husband but not the wife.

What do you do? Have you ever thought about it?

bigsis144

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:00 am

I generally don't FB friend married men, but I have a few on my list because I run the social media for a company I work for and there are a few male professional contacts are useful to have in this context.

And my male married cousin.

Runner18

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:21 am

Would you want your husband friending the wives? That's the logic I use for these things.

Btw if it's for professional reasons, consider LinkedIn.

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:26 am

Of the (about) 200 friends on my list, 32 are male. At least half are relatives. The rest are either rabbis or family friends from growing up (so my parents age) or from after I got married (so my age or younger.)

doctorima

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 10:53 am

I don't do FB, but from hearing so many horror stories, it seems like you're asking for trouble and should steer clear of accounts that belong only to men. Of course there can be an exception to every rule, but it's just that, an exception.

Kugglegirl

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 11:05 am

Very selective about friending any men on FB. Only family, professional colleagues who ask, people I went to school with before I was Frum and who are refined, some single bauchers. (I guess that is a problem, now that they are married. Guess I need to update my list and friend their wives.)

imasinger

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 11:14 am

Since everything I post on FB is either Israel related reposting or completely pareve, I don't care what gender my FB friends are.

MountainRose, why not just do what makes you most comfortable?

naturalmom5

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:35 pm

In person I'm very chilled. I will talk to anyone in a gas station, wawa, Barnes and noble etc..

But Facebook seems to bring out the sleexziest characters ,especially among heimiushe guys. So my rule , is ideally no fb at all. If need be, only ppl I talk to face to face regularly.

zaq

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:44 pm

Inasmuch as it is not a mitzvah to friend or befriend men, married or otherwise, nor is it necessary for for the preservation of life on this planet, why are you trying so hard to persuade yourself to do so? If you have a block against it , there is probably a very good reason for that. Listen to your gut, girl.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:48 pm

I only friend men who I have known a long time, who I have good boundaries with. I will only friend them if we are in the same political FB groups, because that's most of what I post about anyway. I rarely post personal stuff. I will comment on a man's post if he's having a family simcha, but I always keep it basic.

If you're posting a lot about your personal life, I would definitely think twice before adding men, especially if they are new to you. If you are going to give anyone, male or female, access to your personal posts, make them earn your trust IRL first.

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:50 pm

eema of 3 wrote:

Edited to add that I missed the end of your post, where you mentioned friends with the husband but not the wife. The only men I am friends with them but not their wives are relatives (mostly my husbands, as I don't necessarily know the wives.)

princessleah

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 1:01 pm

I am friends with lots of men on facebook, most of whom I was friends with from my single years, most of us are married. Some of them I am also friends with their wives, but many I don't even know their wives, but those are old acquaintances, not new.

New people in the community I would probably friend wives first and then men.

Right now I am involved in a very robust discussion on FB about the new Star Wars movie, and most of the participants are married males.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 1:12 pm

I don't care what gender they are. I tend to post about my children, israel and my business, not necessarily in that order, so I really don't care.

Maya

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 1:18 pm

I don't do any men, mostly because my Facebook profile and feed is pretty much female oriented.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:23 pm

Runner18 wrote:

Would you want your husband friending the wives? That's the logic I use for these things.

Btw if it's for professional reasons, consider LinkedIn.

I have married male facebook friends and my husband has married women face book friends. Its not a big deal to us. We are BH happily married, but we know these people in real life. And its just not a big deal. To us that is.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:23 pm

Generally not, unless it's a relative or a close family friend. I wouldn't just friend random men from the community, even if I'm good friends with their wives. That being said, if they were to friend me, and I know that they're normal people and not creepy with bad intentions then I have no problem accepting. I don't post much on Facebook though so maybe that's why.

amother

Copper

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:32 pm

I friend men if they are close relatives, very good friends of the family (this usually goes hand by hand with friending their wives) and some rabbis.

Since my FB is pretty much only about family pictures, and DH does not post that stuff, my male FB friends are always happy to see how we are doing. We moved recently, so most are our friends are far away and happy to keep in touch that way.

I do not friend acquaintances (this is also true for women) and shul members only DH talks to.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:40 pm

Aside from relatives, I don't think I have ever sent a friend request to a married man but I will accept friend request from married man if it's someone I know well and I'm also FB friends with the wife. I don't see any issue. I don't post anything even mildly provocative and I don't engage in PM chit chats with them.

Actually, I have sent a few requests to married men.... all rabbis who put out great posts about parshah, holidays and other Jewish topics that I enjoy reading.