Ashkenazi/Persian Wedding HELP!!!

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 8:42 am

Also another thing to keep in mind.. many ashkenazim have a minhag not to see each other the week of the wedding but many sfardim do not have that minhag. You might want to find out about taking pictures... we saw each other before the chuppah and took pictures together with family before. We did take pictures of the two of us after the chuppah but it was much quicker because we had done all the family ones together already....
Maybe find out what what they expect about seeing each other and taking pictures so there's no confusion (though this probably will follow the grooms minhag).

amother

Orange

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 9:20 am

I hear you Op. It can all be a bit overwhelming albeit joyful.

Yes do assemble and compare detailed notes from which to move forward.
Even in the most similar backgrounds often different families have different choices whether about how much money to spend on the wedding etc. as well as who walks down the aisle be it family processional, mothers walking the kallah and fathers the chosson, or parents walking down their own children.

Also as you probably know you and your mechuteneste may have different personality types and approach the wedding planning differently.

Deep breaths.

May they build a binyan adei ad!

amother

Orange

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 9:27 am

And while it's certainly okay and not uncommon to have concerns particularly when our child is marrying someone from a different background, no matter how wonderful, please be sure to take the time and work it through for yourself however you need to do it so it doesn't become a vibe with your DS, kallah, and her family.
You sound like a caring and flexible mother who surely wants her son and your new daughter in law to be to start off on the right foot with each other as well as with you, your family, and her family.

Hatzlocha

Imogen

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 10:33 am

Mazeltov OP. Lovely news. And yummy culinary news too, Persian food is delicious, flavoursome but not hot or over spiced!

Suggestion to watch videos of Persian wedding is a great idea as you will gain an idea of what to expect. My nephew just married a Persian girl in New York, the simcha was a treat in every sense, my sil speaks really well of her new mechutanim. Yes cultural traditions vary but you are two families living in the USA not arriving off different boats in the 1900s, there will be a common ground, if the parents are happy for their daughter to date and marry your ds I am sure compromise will be reached, as already seems apparent as you describe your arrangements.

Enjoy.

Notsobusy

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 10:39 am

I would imagine it shouldn't be to hard to find a band that can play both kinds of music well. You can also look for a caterer who can do both kinds of food well, maybe ashkenaz for the shmorg and Persian for the meal, or something like that. Although I must say, we are Ashkenazim who love Syrian food, I haven't tasted Persian food, but I'm sure it would be delicious. Not everything that's different is bad.

It's important to discuss the different minhagim ahead of time, so you can plan accordingly. But I think you can have a beautiful wedding that everyone can enjoy, as long as you're open minded and plan for it.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 11:28 am

(I'm OP)

Her mother and I are not arguing, chas v'sholom! We just have these humorous but frustrating conversations like:

Me: "So we'd really like it if you can come to the aufruf."

Machatenesteh (or whatever she is called in Farsi): "Sure!! But what's an aufruf?"

Someone Else: "Shabbat chatan."

Machatenesteh: "I thought we make the Shabbat Chatan."

Me: "Well we'd like to if that's ok. We can find somewhere for you to stay and eat your meals, and our shul allows the kallah to sneak in upstairs to watch the chatan get his aliyah."

Machatenesteh: "But why can't Dear Kallah be there? Doesn't she need to be there for the sheva brachot?"

(both of us look at Someone else) Me: "Are you SURE that aufruf and Shabbat Chatan are the same thing?"

Someone Else: "Yeah, yeah, Dear Chatan gets an aliyah and we all throw candy."

Turns out that Shabbat Chatan is the Shabbat of sheva brachot (and aufruf is the one before.)

My machateneseh gets very embarrassed at this kind of stuff. Somehow she feels she should know it already.

So ladies, again I ask:
If you've ever been to a wedding that was Persian and also a wedding that was Ashkenazi, please tell me what to expect so we can avoid confusion.

So far I have learned that we need to get the kids to decide who is walking who down the aisle (Dear Kallah wants the mothers with her and the fathers with him. but I don't think her father would like that very much,) figure out if Dear Chatan will meet Dear Kallah under the chuppah or half-way down the aisle, (So would that mean that her mother and I walk her half way???)

When I said Persian style food: My machatenesteh says that a proper Persian wedding should have a buffet, not courses served at the seats. The buffet gets set up during the first set of dancing, which is why I think my family will be confused when they walk into the reception and see tables with cake and tea. At a fancy wedding there should be a girl in Persian costume serving the tea. My nieces are begging me to let them do it, but I think it's supposed to be an employee of the caterer.

spring13

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 12:05 pm

When you have an area of difference, think: is it a matter of A. halacha, B. minhag, or C. general social habit? Then you can decide who important it is to push for one thing or another. For example, the serving-tea-in-Persian costume sounds really nice, why not include it? I bet all the Ashkenazim will think it's really charming. It's not offensive or especially bizarre to people who haven't encountered it. And since it's not part of the ceremony or otherwise a halachic matter, you might as well go for it and sow some goodwill with your ILs.

For yourself/your side: pick one or two things that you feel strongly about doing a certain way, be tenacious (polite but firm) about those things, and prepare to be mevater on anything and everything else.

Whatever you guys end up deciding, make sure that you've got a written plan for the order of the day and share it with everyone who needs to know. That includes things like who's walking who down the aisle and how, the schedule for food/dancing/tea, which set of dancing will be "regular" and when the band will throw in the Persian stuff. In the end it doesn't matter exactly how you split things up, just make sure everyone knows what to expect.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 12:31 pm

OK, I'll try again. No one is arguing. The problem I am having is that I don't know what Persian minhagim are and no one seems to be able to tell me. I have no problem with dressing up my nieces in Persian costumes to serve tea, but is that what's supposed to happen? I've been to two Persian weddings in my life. One was not frum and the other was a boy learning in Ner Yisroel, and the wedding was completely Ashkenazi even though both kids were Persian.

Persians are polite to an extent that I can't always understand. You don't ever ask anything directly, you are supposed to hint, which goes over my head. Don't even get me started about the night I took my son and his roommate out for pizza and the roommate refused to let me pay for his dinner. It turned out that I hadn't asked him a sufficient number of times and it didn't occur to him that American "ta'arof" dictates that the mother pays and the kid is supposed to accept immediately. (Yes, I even said to him, "No ta'arof, I'm American." It still didn't work and I couldn't remember how many times I was supposed to ask him. This is a boy who was born in LA!)

So I ask questions and I get "whatever you'd like" as the response.

http://www.latimes.com/local/g......html

mommyla

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:43 pm

Persian weddings are awesome. So much fun, and the Ashkenaz relatives will find it more entertaining than baffling. Be warned that the dancing is veeeery different from what you may be picturing. I've been to several Persian weddings - some do Persian dancing and music for all dancing, and others (many times when it's a "mixed" marriage) have more of a split between "regular" Ashkenazi-style dancing and Persian dancing (complete with the hip shimmying and the trilling sound that Ashkenazim just can't get straight).

Will the wedding be at Olympic Collection? I haven't been there in years but I do think that now they do a lot of Persian weddings. The hall is not that large.

Unless the kallah went to Ohr Haemet, chances are she's had plenty of exposure to Ashkenaz weddings and can explain all of the differences and nuances to your son. I think it's a good idea to sit down with chattan and kallah and have them discuss the ceremonies and traditions that they want included, EVERY DETAIL, even if they think it's the most obvious thing (which it seems you've learned from the Shabbat Chattan/aufruf thing).

Can you get in touch with someone who's made a "mixed" wedding like this so that they can give you the rundown from an Ashkenaz perspective?

Good luck!

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 2:06 pm

[quote="mommyla"]

Can you get in touch with someone who's made a "mixed" wedding like this so that they can give you the rundown from an Ashkenaz perspective?
[/quote]

um, that's what I thought I was doing here.

PS We went to Olympic Collection. The guy spent the whole time speaking to my machateneste in Farsi and quoted us a price of $200 per person. Then he went on and on about intermarriage and concluded, "well at least he's Jewish." She walked out angrier than me so I can only imagine the conversation.

Imogen

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 2:23 pm

Op, as my kids would tell me, " chill"!

Sounds like you and the girl's mom are getting on well, already a good sign when it comes to mechatonim.

Regarding misunderstandings, thats the fun of life, they will be ironed out and you will both have learnt a bit more about each other on the way.

If it was my ds I would be so thrilled. B"H we are blessed to have Persian friends, the warm strong family support they give one another really is something to cherish and admire. Amongst our circle there are lots of Ashkenazi/Persian weddings, a pleasure to attend, and people do work it all out, with laughter and good will on the way.

Mazeltov

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 2:24 pm

I am sorry if I came off snarky. But I would not be reaching out publicly to a group of complete strangers if I had anyone else to ask. Her mother seems embarrassed when I ask questions, like somehow our differences are a bad thing. I just want to get it right the first time. We are, after all, two strangers getting ready to spend thousands of dollars on a once in a lifetime event, and we don't even speak the same language.

2cents

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 2:30 pm

amother wrote:

Persians are polite to an extent that I can't always understand. You don't ever ask anything directly, you are supposed to hint, which goes over my head. Don't even get me started about the night I took my son and his roommate out for pizza and the roommate refused to let me pay for his dinner. It turned out that I hadn't asked him a sufficient number of times and it didn't occur to him that American "ta'arof" dictates that the mother pays and the kid is supposed to accept immediately. (Yes, I even said to him, "No ta'arof, I'm American." It still didn't work and I couldn't remember how many times I was supposed to ask him. l

Lol, classic. I'm persian and married to a persian, but our wedding was basically normal yeshivishe, so I don't really have any insight for your situation, but I do hear you loud and clear that the biggest issue is getting the other side to clearly say what they are thinking. Maybe have your son ask his fiancee to clarify specific issues and get back to him? She'll likely know what's very important to her parents and what's negotiable and flexible.

DrMom

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 3:08 pm

amother wrote:

Why don't you just google "Persian Jewish wedding customs?" This doesn't need to be so perplexing.

L K

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 3:14 pm

You may want to clarify in advance that dancing be separate.

Also find out whether they are expecting separate or mixed seating. That could depend on the family, and extended family background.

If mixed, you'll need to make sure there are mechitzas in the hall and put someone in charge of designating 2 dance floors and bringing out mechitza for dancing.

Oh, and their food is awesome )