Ashkenazi/Persian Wedding HELP!!!

EsaEinai

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 12:26 am

Op-
Have you checked out sportsmans lodge? It's very beautiful with rose bushes, a bridge, and a gazebo. It may be a more affordable option.

I just recently attended a Persian wedding at neiman hall, you may want to look into that as well.

Feel free to pm me. I'm not Persian, but I can probably connect you with some sweet la Persians who would be happy to go over some details with you.

Mazel tov!

amother

Azure

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 1:03 am

Why in the lab? Shabbos, holidays, special occasions, of which there may be many if they have a large family and lots of friends. Those that go to simchos a lot may find they need a whole simcha wardrobe, with different shoes and accessories.

In the same vein, a woman with little social life may need just a few dressy pieces but may need an assortment of home clothing, or a dozen of lab coats ))

A side note: like 2xents said, the ny Persians I knew would own several sets of fancy jewelry. A set by them was a precious stone necklace with matching earrings and sometimes a bracelet too. However, those sets were purchased by husbands, like one for engagement, maybe one between the engagement and the chasunah, another for the birth of the first child etc.

If your son and future dil as a couple decide they need that stuff they can then figure out how to procure it, eg save up or buy imitation etc.

amother

Azure

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 1:24 am

amother wrote:

This is a very serious question. We live pretty simply. I own ONE piece of serious jewelry.

Could her parents REALLY expect us to start buying her diamonds? For her to wear in the lab???

But even by Ashkenazim, litvish and not these days kallah gets quite an assortment of jewelry. Not saying if it's right or wrong but you'll probably agree that there is some minimum that should be done if at all financially possible. It seems that engagement ring is pretty universal. Besides that, it could be anything from the variety of bracelets, earrings, necklaces of all sorts, pearls etc.
really need to find out what's the minimum in her community/family.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 2:09 am

amother wrote:

No, he's not going to become Sefardi. (wouldn't that be nice if we could just do that right before Pesach?) I expect the couple and their rov to make the ceremony decisions, but it will definitely be Ashkenazi with a few Sefardi things if we can. I refuse to walk with a lit candle so that's not a discussion. The only condition I put on the chuppah is that if the mothers walk the kallah, we should wear the same color.

I guess I need to find out if a kittle will upset them. Thank you to the Mother who said that. It would never have occurred to me. That's why saying "normal" is a problem.

The jewelry thing is awkward. I own very little jewelry by choice, not even an engagement ring. (We were saving up to buy a car.) I suppose I need to find out what sort of jewelry we're supposed to get her. But any relationship that would break up over jewelry is not a girl I want my son to marry.

I am not familiar with persian, but I am familiar with other oriental cultures, and there is a lot of emotion attached to jewelry. This is one big clash here, if you are an understated person with little jewelry. For you it may seem like she is a spoiled brat from a family of golddiggers, but if you refuse to provide sufficient amounts, it will seem like you are not taking them seriously, din't appreciate the kallah and not willing to invest into the new family.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 9:51 am

amother wrote:

This is fascinating indeed, but none of the mizrachi people I know go by most of this anymore, including all the Persians I know.
They all had engagement rings, and they all got married with wedding rings (and not with coins). I don't know a single person who wore their wedding dress to their brit.
Also, the gold bracelet collection was common maybe 50 years ago. You can see many grandmothers adorned with gold. I don't know anyone who buys 7 gold bracelets these days, and definitely no pearl necklace. Jewlery is often bought, but it's just what the bride likes.

I think a lot of these traditions are no longer practised in most mizrachi circles, even the ones that are pretty traditional.

My friends may be more traditional, I guess. I and most of my friends got married within the last 5 years. However, people don't keep the exact minhag or don't do all. For example, none of my friends wore their wedding dress to the brit but almost all wore something that was white/cream/light beige and lacy. Nobody was walked from their home with drums, but people entered the henna room with drums. and some hennas were the night of the mikva. So that people who hold that henna is a chatzitza are ok. It's good to know what the custom is and then people adapt.

My MIL gave me a gold-filled necklace and bracelet. People can still keep the custom with financial limitations. I was definitely not offended by that. It was important that she thought of me. Later, when she could, she gave us a downpayment on a car and more fake jewelry. The car was very much needed and very appreciated and obviously a higher priority. DH brings me jewelry every chag, and it's always fake or filled or crystal or something and never costs more than $25. It doesn't matter, the point is that he thought of me and loves me and wants to give me something. It doesn't serve the purpose of a rainy-day fund but it's pretty.

If you can afford real though, and don't give it, she will feel like she's not valued. If you can't, you can't. You should give within your means. Just show her she is important.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 10:39 am

Mothers, thank you. I wasn't thinking of her as a gold-digger, just that it seems like there is pressure from extended family for us to make an opulent wedding that none of us really want, and to waste money on jewelry she'll never wear.

Our kallah has the engagement ring that she wanted, and it cost a fortune! (My son is still in college!) I asked her to get it insured before she wears it and she hasn't gotten around to it yet after quite a while. Now I get it. She loves the fact that she owns it, even if it's locked up in a drawer at her mother's and all she does is take it out and look at it from time to time.

We buy her plane tickets to come visit, we talk about her research all the time, I send her little gifts every chance I get and I try to treat her the same as I do my kids.

But I guess I'd better take her into a jewelry store and get her something. She knows we love her but her family might not.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 1:03 pm

I just had a quick conversation with my son...

Me: "Tell me, am I supposed to be buying <Kallah> all sorts of jewelry?"
Son: "No, it's not a thing anyone does."
Me: "Are you sure? I have some friends telling me her family expects it."
Son: "Mom! It's not Arabia in the 12th century! No one does that. If you want to give us something, pay for us to go on a really cool trip!"

He did buy her a Hadaya "Yeshiva Girl" bracelet with "their" pasuk on it.

turca

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 3:43 pm

amother wrote:

Why are u so worried about her family? She knows, that s the most important.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 6:46 pm

turca wrote:

Why are u so worried about her family? She knows, that s the most important.

As a persian bride who didn't get the normal jewlery, yes it can be important. It's important because everyone (at shul, in the neighborhood, at any simcha you attend, friends, family, and aquatintences) will ask, in a very excited way, "oh, is that your jewlery?!?!?". It's a public sign of regard that your in laws have for you.

Imagine a yeshivishe guy walking into bais medrash after his vort and having to tell each of his friends over and over that he's not getting a chassan watch, or a girl who has to repeat during her whole engagement and beyond "no, I'm not getting an engagement ring".

I'm sure op's son knows what he's talking about, that his kallah doesn't want, but if the family is so cultural that they want music and food, it was reasonable for op to check with her son.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 7:09 pm

amother wrote:

A public sign of the regard your inlaws have for you? Not really. A public sign that they know whats "expected"? Yes. A public sign that they bow to the social pressure of your community? Yes. Just like in other circles the jewelry customs are forced upon the families, with Persians also. I think that in circles where there are no expectations of gifts and no "normal jewelry", and the couple buys with their own hard earned money out of love, not out of expectation, thats regard. I dont buy for a second that these gifts are given out of love. Maybe way back when. Now its a status symbol at best. Ya know, so girls can have what to show off.

Maybe its a saving face thing, which I know is an issue for many sefardic communities. Like you said, its important because everyone asks. Seriously? Thousands are spent to have something to show the wagging toungues? That makes sence how?

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 12 2016, 7:44 pm

Honeydew, I can't relate. I never got an engagement ring. I am extremely frugal by nature and I was horrified at what diamond rings cost and couldn't bear to spend the money. I chose a very expensive wedding ring (gold was high that year) and we spent the rest of the ring money on a car. So yes I did spend my entire engagement explaining to people that I didn't get a ring.

turca

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 11:25 pm

amother wrote:

No, it's a sign that u care more about what the public thinks than anything else.
Since I'm Lebanese married to Syrian, I can't relate to your yeshivish example. Or any nonsense " what everybody ll say" example.

turca

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 11:34 pm

amother wrote:

( I got 1 piece of jewelry and we invested in my husband business) Your son is down to earth .You really have the most precious diamond.
Mazal tov !