I love my daughters in law... but!

esther09

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 4:01 am

I agree with asking your sons. I think asking your DILs directly can make your relationship awkward because as mentioned above, they are not your daughters. Asking your sons sends a message that you need help, and the women may end up helping once they realize.

I also think you can ask them as a group. As you get up to serve, "can someone help me serve? Miriam (your single daughter) always helps, let's give her the night off." Then either your sons or DILs should get up to help. Again, it's making sure not to target directly.

Just remember, that just because you've been feeling resentful about this for a while, there's a way to ask casually for help that's completely normal. True they're not your daughters but they are part of the family, not just standard hotel guests.

amother

Oak

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 4:27 am

I'm so exhausted after a week looking after my kids that I sometimes choose to go to my MILs just to relax! She doesn't have any children left at home and yes, I'm sure it's a lot of effort for her to make shabbos and I do help her a little, but she knows that it's my only opportunity to relax and she lets me. Maybe your DILs think the same about staying with you. They are just so thankful to be able to sit down FOR ONCE. It's so exhausting being a young mom and it's nice to be able to be pampered once in a while. If anyone should be helping, it should be your sons!

Maybe I'm wrong but you can't underestimate how nice it is to go away for shabbos and not be on duty. To have somewhere you feel comfortable enough to just chill and not worry if you are helping enough. To know your kids have playmates and grandparents to spend time with, and it's not all on you.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I sure she why they might be relaxing.

amother

Olive

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 4:32 am

It can help to set some "guidelines" in advance understanding that there is a balance between stressing yourself and your single daughter out and the married children coming with children. Certainly the married children should be expected to watch their own children and clean up after them. You (and DH) can in advance talk to the married couples saying that the changing dynamics ( such as expansion of the family, your 21 year old in shidduchim or whatever) require changed guidelines such as everyone contributing in different ways, therefore you are being very sensitive to not embarrassing or having anyone feel criticized. You can invite their input as to what they'd like to contribute also and together make changes for the better which will benefit everyone ultimately. You can do it very warmly with the clear message that you love having them all and want to make it work best for everyone, including you and your daughter, so that you can continue to enjoy each others company often with everyone's growing families together. You can model open communication, boundary setting, and balance of each person's needs which helps your goal of family harmony. Such a brocha!

amother

Yellow

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 5:18 am

Do your sons help? I agree to talk to them. Maybe they might choose to help and let their wives sit, and that's fine.

Also, re the toys- a problem at my in laws house is timing. If my kid plays, and then needs to be put to bed or nursed, there is no time for me to clear then; I leave it, knowing I will be back in half an hour to an hour, and go do what needs doing. But mil saw this as leaving it out (even when I said I'd come back to it) and did it herself. She couldn't tolerate the mess with nobody with it. But if I stopped to clear earlier, DC would not go to sleep or would scream or whatever.

With meals sometimes, same deal sometimes. I sit smiling baby in lap while others clear. But if I get up, screams galore, so dh helped, but she didn't understand why not me. Once mil asked, and accepted my answers and schedule, we got along better.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 5:29 am

Would you rather they didn't come at all?

I still go to my mil or mom for a meal on Shabbos or yt but never go for extended sleepover stays because I'm so much more RELAXED at home. If I want to clean the toys later I leave it for later. Heck I can even leave the table messy and clean it later if I'm busy with the kids. No pressure. Bliss.

amother

Navy

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 5:41 am

I don't really help by my inlaws because they have a strange way of doing things. I don't know my way around their kitchen. They used to just tell me to sit but last time I helped and no one complained. The truth is, it's really hard to get to them. It's a long trip and hard to fit into our work schedule. When we go it can mean long car ride Friday and long car right motzei shabbos. It means kids not sleeping properly and therefore us not sleeping properly. They aren't able to put us up so it means a walk to wherever we are staying and lost shabbos nap. I think we get the raw end of the deal by going and "just" not serving or cleaning up.

amother

Natural

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 5:46 am

I think a lot of the young mothers dont realize that MIL are also very exhausted. We work,
have little one at home too, sometimes babies, we do all the cooking cleaning, and entertaining. Yes we do love when you come, but dont think you have it all that hard
and we dont. And not all of us have teenage girls to help.

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:02 am

As a daughter in law..... My little ones are very challenging and don't give me a break. My babies are colicky and my little ones are very clingy and needy, especially when we are away.

This does not translate into being able to help a lot when away. Even if I finally settle everyone next to me, if I get up I mess the equilibrium and someone starts screaming. They are very little.

If everyone happens to be settled of course I would help. but I am very very busy with the kids almost the whole shabbos. Its much more difficult than being at home. SO maybe it looks like I am relaxing, but I may have finally gotten the colicky baby content in my arms, if I move we are in for a 45 min crying spell.

Please understand...at home its more relaxed because we serve the meal at our pace. we clear off at our pace. sometimes a couple of hours later if the kids are being difficult. I dont have the pressure to clean the toys the second they finish playing with them, because we do what works for our family at home. If the baby needs to nurse then, I take care of that. I dont have to worry about people being resentful.

Its difficult to go away. I am not dumping the kids on you. I am taking full responsibility for their care, which is way overtime. But please understand and dont have expectations that will make me need to neglect my kids needs.

chani8

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:12 am

My husband noticed my exhaustion and heard me muttering, "we bought it, we prepared it, we even served it, but now we have to clear the table, too??" So he announced to the crowd, "If everyone will get up and help clear, we'll get it done faster." Then he stood up and proceeded to help clear. That got everyone moving. When The Abba sitting at the head of the table gets up to clear, it's has great impact.

heidi

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:20 am

amother wrote:

So just to understand, you and your husband cannot possibly help serve or clear one thing bcz. you are just that overwhelmed by your children's needs???

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:33 am

When I was a young mother, going to my inlaws meant about 1 1/2 hours of travel each way with screaming kids who did not like the ride and sometimes threw up midway, arriving exhausted...I worked full time supporting their son in learning, while running the house and being a wife and mother, etc..and still made time to visit. We'd be crammed into one room with our kids, resulting in none of us sleeping too well. It most definitely was NOT a vacation for me.

Of course I tried to help, anyway. I used to help serve and clear (if I was not upstairs nursing a kvetch baby or feeding a little one), and tried to pick up the toys after my kids. DH also helped serve and clear.

However I never was comfortable in my MIL A"H's kitchen - very differently run from my mother's and mine - and never learned my way around there. I was barely comfortable opening the fridge. So I didn't cook there, and only rarely washed dishes. I do remember helping to peel/cut vegetables - I was happy to do a specific job in a specific spot given what I needed to do the job - as opposed to something that would involve finding the utensils, etc...

I agree with those who posted that OP should ask her sons for help. Perhaps they might work it out with their wives, but asking the DIL's directly could be sticky.

Blessing1

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:41 am

Bh my mother n law has no problem saying that everyone is responsible for their kids & their mess. She always tells us to clean up the toys, help set the table... I don't see why mother n laws have to be so afraid to ask DIL for help & Its funny of DIL gets insulted when she's asked to help. If everyone pitches in its more relaxed.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:50 am

Quote:

When The Abba sitting at the head of the table gets up to clear, it's has great impact.

It also releases the men. Men are often expected to sit and sing or listen to divrei torah or just keep dad company, even if they do the clearing and serving at home. So when dad gets up, the other men can go.

Quote:

We can, but it may not be in the timetable you would like.

This.

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:01 am

I rarely go away for shabbos.
I agree with those who say its too stressful.
I like my own space and following my own own rules.
However, I do agree that it is rude to show up as guests and not pitch in. It is mostly rude on the part of your sons, who owe you kibbud av v'aim on top of being guests. Your daughters in law, I dont see why they would be obligated to help if their husbands arent helping.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:02 am

heidi wrote:

Please G-d, save me from snarky daughters in law.
OP, I have read the daughter in law's answers on this thread and it's really scaring me.
Good luck to all us mothers of boys!!!

Do you want your DIL to help you clear the table if her baby is crying and needs to be fed? Is that snarky? Can the table wait? In her home, she likely feeds the baby and leaves the clearing for a bit later.

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:05 am

chani8 wrote:

Interesting to note the cultural differences at play here.

My husband gets up to clear all the time. Is clearing a job reserved for The Imma in your home? To each their own, and no judgement, but certainly interesting to me.