I love my daughters in law... but!

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:05 am

amother wrote:

B"h I have a mil that appreciates how we take care of her grandchildren and still come to visit despite the great difficulty. And we help when we can but they know our primary responsibility is our kids.

Oh really. Might MIL remind you youngins that we raised 'how-many-kids' already so we know exactly what your responsibilities entail, probably more than you know.

And we know that it's not that hard to watch the kids and clear the table since we did it already for 20 plus years!!! So stop being a drama queen and get off your butt and help.

Another mom

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:08 am

amother wrote:

I'm assuming Persephone.
In all seriousness though, I felt like a horrible daughter-in-law when we used to go to my in-laws for Shabbos. I got pregnant quickly, B"H, and was so sick and exhausted and physically couldn't help much. And then after I had the baby, my hands were always full. I wasn't able to actually start helping until my baby could go down. I am so fortunate my mother-in-law never said anything to me.
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for help, just do it carefully.

you couldn't give baby to yr husband and help a bit? or tell him 2 help. Even now when my girls are big and help my MIL I try to help a lot too. We leave a clean house and kitchen

.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:16 am

Quote:

Might MIL remind you youngins that we raised 'how-many-kids' already so we know exactly what your responsibilities entail, probably more than you know.

MIL has raised wonderful children, but not my children. Each family is different.

I do think that a conversation is warranted. DIL might say, "I get so bogged down with my kids that I am finding it impossible to help clear or serve. Is there another way we can help out the household that is less time bound?" Maybe they can take other kids in the household out in the afternoon when they take their own kids to the park, or bring along some food for the meal to help MIL prep less.

Tablepoetry

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:18 am

I still dont get where the husbands are in all of this. Yes, a baby is a handful and you cant clear while taking care of him. But meanwhile your dh can!
It takes a lot of effort to host families. Your mils probably spent hours cleaning and cooking. They are also thirty years older than you! They are no less exhausted.
I get that it's very hard to travel there, stay squished in a little rm, etc. Still I think that helping to serve and clear is the most basic etiquette. How many times are both the young mom and dad busy with the babies? Usually one can help, and I think they should do the utmost to do so.
Nobody is talking about mopping the floors, just serving and clearing. .

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:19 am

amother wrote:

What a narrow minded view. Sure, all kids are the same, right.

LiLIsraeli

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:20 am

amother wrote:

That's nasty. I hear your frustration, but there's really no excuse for taking it out on others. We're real people with real feelings behind the usernames, and if this is what you say to your DILs, no wonder they don't want to help you.

The struggles of young mothers today are different than mothers of 20 years ago. The basics may have remained the same, but parenting is different and people's personalities are different. Maybe you are just an extremely organized person and had no problem clearing off the table and keeping a perfectly clean home even with 4 children 6 and under, but your DIL may not be managing as well. Maybe your children were less needy than your DIL's children. There may be things at play about which you have NO IDEA. My in-laws don't know every detail of my children's needs or what's going on in my marriage. Honestly, your post is very selfish and extremely invalidating to young mothers struggling just to keep their heads above water.

Have you ever even asked her for help, or do you just stew in resentment?

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:21 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

So this is why we would rather stay home.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:21 am

I would like op to address the question of asking her sons to help.

I've seen again and again MIL resentful that their DIL don't "help" while pampering their darling sons who don't budge from the table and go off for a nap after the meal. The sons don't serve, don't clear, don't clean up after the kids, nothing.

Meanwhile the DIL is missing out on half of the meal because she's busy with the baby, she's feeling harried and hassled running after her kids to clean up every spill, every crumb, every dropped napkin as soon as it happens, cleaning up constantly after the kids, forgoing her nap in case the kids will make noise, and boohoo, she didn't help serve or clear. I mean really.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:21 am

Fox wrote:

Who knows why they don't help. Don't jump to conclusions about their middos -- just matter-of-fact ly ask them to pitch in:

"Persephone, could you please clear the dips and salad plates. Clio, could you please help me serve the soup in the kitchen?"

No drama -- just ask them nicely and specifically for what you want.

Are Persephone and Clio by any chance related to Druscilla?

Smile

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:22 am

amother wrote:

Nice post

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:23 am

Ladies... the 1950s have come and gone. Thankfully.

Men are fully capable of helping in the kitchen, of clearing and setting the table, of tidying toys, etc. Why is this conversation about MILs and DILs while the males are irrelevant to the discussion? Can somebody please explain? It's bothering me.

LiLIsraeli

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:25 am

amother wrote:

Yes, to all of it!

pause

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:26 am

heidi wrote:

Please G-d, save me from snarky daughters in law.
OP, I have read the daughter in law's answers on this thread and it's really scaring me.
Good luck to all us mothers of boys!!!

If you raise your sons to help, it won't matter what your DILs do or don't do. In my MIL's house, when the meal is done, everyone gets up and clears the table, so if I'm nursing my baby, I'll stay seated but DH and kids clear.

I totally agree with slategray amother.

Last edited by pause on Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:27 am; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:29 am

amother wrote:

Have you had 4 under 4? Or under 5? Both parents are needed full time. That's not to say we can't help at all. Of course we try to. But it may have to wait till a quieter moment.

I certainly have not had 4 under 4 or 5 under 5. That sounds well... very challenging. Im not even going there.

So, yes, I agree that in such a case you should stay home for shabbosim.

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:30 am

gold21 wrote:

I certainly have not had 4 under 4 or 5 under 5. That sounds well... very challenging. Im not even going there.

So, yes, I agree that in such a case you should stay home for shabbosim.

Thank you. And that's what we usually do.

Iymnok

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:42 am

My oldest is 7, as guests I have my children go to the kitchen to offer help. I am conscious of the discomfort we give our hosts by being guests regardless of our relationship. All these excuses are just that. Step out of your comfort zone and lend a hand. You are teaching your own children how to be a guest. You know bedtime is coming, you know the seuda needs preparation and serving so PLAN AHEAD! Clean up before bedtime, work out with your husband how to manage the kids at the table and help with the flow of setting and clearing.
More people is more work and more time for each segment. Regardless of how tired you are and how out of control your kids are, you can still spare the two minutes to clear.
Even sitting in your seat , you can gather the dishes to a pile and remove them in one shot.
As a dil, speak to your mil about what works for both of you. Why do you want resentment under it all?

chani8

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:43 am

gold21 wrote:

Interesting to note the cultural differences at play here.

My husband gets up to clear all the time. Is clearing a job reserved for The Imma in your home? To each their own, and no judgement, but certainly interesting to me.

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

amother

Magenta

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:45 am

amother wrote:

This is a harsh post! If you're my MIL, I wanr to hear more about what 'raising' your younguns entails, since your son is half the reason I am so exhausted!

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

And don't forget that crystal dish filled with candy in the living room that you refuse to put away when we come, so I have to spend half the meal guarding it, or the constantly open back door leading to the pool that just has a pool cover, no gate around it.....when do I have time to help? (which I do try) I barely even have a chance to eat sometimes, I'm too busy making sure the kids are safe AND also cleaning up after them!