I love my daughters in law... but!

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:51 am

Another dil that hopes this post isn't about her:)

I try my best to help by my mil but
1. She is a perfectionist and everything has to go in a specific place at a specific time. I feel silly holding a fish platter, standing in the kitchen waiting for instructions as to where it should go
2. I have kah 7 kids under the age of 10- believe me I have my hands full. And the stress of them making s mess and Cleaninf up after them is overwhelming.
3. At home when I nurse my baby- I don't mind being in public doing so- even if I am a bit exposed- by my inlaws I wouodnt do that- so nursing becomes a whole ordeal. I end up missing a big chunk of the meal and when I do get back to the table I need a couple or minutes to grab something to eat.

In summary, it is way easier to stay home. we live out of town and I want my kids to get to know their cousins, so we come 2-3 times a year - but only when mil invites us.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:52 am

Another mom wrote:

you couldn't give baby to yr husband and help a bit? or tell him 2 help. Even now when my girls are big and help my MIL I try to help a lot too. We leave a clean house and kitchen
.

The men drink on Shabbos at my in-laws so I didn't feel safe handing him the baby. Of course I always asked him to help in the kitchen instead of me, but that still makes me feel like a bad dil, like I'm so lazy that their son has to serve and clean for me. (No one ever said anything, those are just my thoughts.)
He helps at home too, I just feel guilty when it's at his parents.

ValleyMom

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:53 am

Wow- Im not a MIL... yet. But I must be a nightmare of a host because I announce to all my guests that nobody goes home without taking 5 things off the table and everyone puts back 2 folding chairs- then I laugh and thank them for gifting me 5 minutes to help straighten up. Yes- in 5 minutes the table is cleared, all excess chairs are back in the garage and everyone is gathering their stray items and heading to the door. I can't be too much of a witch because we always have repeat guests.

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:06 am

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

I dont know if I qualify as chareidi. Im not very chareidi. But maybe chareidi-light?

My husband was, lucky for me, raised by a woman with similar views to mine with regards to gender roles.

I hope to bring my sons up the same way, Beezras Hashem.

gold21

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:08 am

amother wrote:

Perhaps the women should drink next time and leave the guilt to the men.

solo

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:14 am

My parents wish we'd come more often. We live close by and make short visits but almost never go for shabbos because of the stress. The op would like to relax on shabbos. So would I. But taking my small children to a different home with different food and a different schedule is unsettling to them- therefore stressful for me. they need constant supervision because my parents house is not child friendly. they can't climb on the sofa play under the table hide behind the curtains... Meals are served at my parents convenience- and often at my kids inconvenience.
My parents had a kid friendly home 20 yrs ago when their children were growing up. They forgot that kids make messes throw tantrums and want the security of structure and familiarity. So we keep our visors short.
My mil's house is so much more pleasant for extended stays. She has lower standards of cleanliness and order. She's ok with kids climbing on the couch playing on the rug and is doesn't panick at the sound of a kid crying. She loves to cook and serves elaborate meals (that no one appreciates) but is ok with a meal starting later or being interrupted... Although sleeping accommodations are poor and were exhausted when we leave, I'm not constantly on guard and feel so much more relaxed.
Also I completely agree with posters who wonder why expectations fall on the females.

solo

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:20 am

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

Dh has only male siblings. Growing up they helped serve and clear the table.
In my house growing up my father sat at the table but all children were expected to clear. Now that we're all grown with kids of our own to look after my father does the clearing

gin10

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:21 am

So first of all, to Mrs."I've never been to a charedi home where the men got up to help," you gotta get out more.
Second of all, OP, how's about a loud, cheery "Whooooo's coming in to help dear old Mo-o-o-o-o-o-mmm???" Directed at everyone. Sons, D-I-Ls, and all kids in between. And Tatty too. (although if he's charedi he probably doesn't need to be asked, so I'm assuming he's not Wink

)

2cents

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:25 am

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

Does yeshivishe=charedi?

My dh helps clear and serve at home, at my parents, at my in laws (presumably he would help other places also of it weren't awkward with all the women gathering in the kitchen ).

And he helps extra when we're at my parents or his and I've spent the meal looking after the babies, making sure the older ones eat politely, and/or am tired-- he does my share also, and tells me not to get up.

While I completely hear what the op is saying, I definitely agree with the posters who are asking what her sons are doing while their wives are sitting.

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:29 am

amother wrote:

Oh really. Might MIL remind you youngins that we raised 'how-many-kids' already so we know exactly what your responsibilities entail, probably more than you know.

And we know that it's not that hard to watch the kids and clear the table since we did it already for 20 plus years!!! So stop being a drama queen and get off your butt and help.

Most mothers in that generation were not raising a family and working full time. And I'm sure if they were and if they had the same amount of kids, with the same age differences, and the same characteristics and challenges, I am sure they would do the same.

And I am also watching my kids and clearing the table! I do it in my own home all the time! But in someone else's home, if they want the table cleared right away, I may not be available to do that. Sure after I settle the colicky baby and clean up the 3 year old's accident, I'll be happy to do it.

Same with cooking. I can only cook at night after my kids are sleeping. I am happy to cook at home and bring food for me.
and I can try to cook at your house. but it may take all day to make one thing, between all the interuptions and my kids needs. This literally happened. All day to make one thing.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 12:44 pm

OP - I'm for sure your daughter in law....

but if I am, I have to tell you, you are the most laid back person I know, everywhere but your kitchen.

Your daughter helps because she knows how to do things the way you like them.

I don't and a few comments early on ensured I never will. I'm not going there again.

if you don't believe me look at the fact that you won't just ASK, how easy going is that?

to the poster who has never been in a chareidi home where the men help, come on over....

amother

Lime

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 12:59 pm

In my parents house, we were expected to help. If we didn't have company, us kids would often serve the meal.
When I came to my inlaws house the first time, I was appalled that their daughter never got up to help. My mil liked things done her way, and therefore did everything herself. None of the kids helped around the house either. Now she regrets the fact that she didn't train her kids. She does not have the same energy to do everything by herself anymore, but the single kids are so used to mom doing everything.
My husband had a hard time when I expected him to help out. He kept messing up, but instead of giving up and doing it myself, I showed him how. Bh we have made a lot of progress over the years.

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 1:03 pm

amother wrote:

And I am also watching my kids and clearing the table! I do it in my own home all the time! But in someone else's home, if they want the table cleared right away, I may not be available to do that. Sure after I settle the colicky baby and clean up the 3 year old's accident, I'll be happy to do it.

This pretty much sums up my pov.

Miri7

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 1:14 pm

My parents raised us to always help our hosts. If we find the kitchen weird, or aren't sure about the "right" way to do something, we ask "What can I do to help?" or something specific "Where would you like the soup bowls? and the spoons?"

So I've been a huge help to my MIL from day one. I think it's nice when the whole family is together and everyone helps - we get extra time to chat in the kitchen, etc, and you can clear a table really fast when there are a few people doing it. And my MIL gets to spend more time hanging out and drinking a coffee with everyone when she doesn't have to do it by herself.

What drives me nuts is that in my MIL's house, she runs the kitchen, and my FIL and the sons sit at the table like kings. My DH, who is usually very helpful at home and does lots of cooking and cleaning, generally just sits there at the table. I realize that it's the culture of their house, but when we are there I make sure that my older sons are out of their seats and helping, just like their sisters, which is what we do at home and when we are guests anywhere.

OP, I would follow the suggestion upthread to directly say "Persephone, do X, and Clio, help with Y".

Meanwhile, we should all take this as a reminder to raise our children with good manners, which includes cleaning up your kids mess and toys when a guest anywhere - even at the grandparents.

amother

Olive

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 3:10 pm

I think the op;s attitude is that while maybe for a while she was able to treat her marrieds and children to a "vacation" like Oak's post now the situation has gotten too be too much and now they need to renegotiate which is perfectly understandable. People get older, families grow K"H, things change and so does this.
good luck

boysrus

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 3:13 pm

Smile1234 wrote:

Chani8 have you ever been to a chareidi house? That's a pretty closed minded statement you made there.

LOL Smile 1234, If you have read enough threads here, you will see that chani8 does not hide the fact that her family were BT charedi in Israel , had some really unfortunate experiences and changed their affiliation to dati leumi and are now BH much happier. so Chani8's experiences with the charedi world are presumably based on the city or cities in Israel where her family lived as charedim.
Sorry, Chani8, that you didnt see better manners in the homes of your charedi friends and acquaintances. I have lived in two countries apart from Israel for most of my life , and have very frequently seen 'charedi' men help at mealtimes, shabbos and yomtov included. But maybe things were different where you live...