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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Purim
bigsis144
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 Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:23 am
If I'm doing minimal mishloach manos for both practical (we're moving Purim time, so time and money are tight) and hashkafic (END THE MADNESS, THIS IS NOT WHAT MORDECHAI AND ESTHER HAD IN MIND) reasons, is it okay to "take it out" on my kids' teachers by not giving them something?
How rude is it to just skip MM/check for teachers because I just can't (don't want to) deal with the hassle/expense?
(I'm currently on a "if there's a shortcut/way out, take it" roll. Easy dinners, cleaning lady once a week, baths every other night, no guests on Shabbos, etc. And while it's making me more relaxed, I'm afraid I'm letting myself get selfish and spoiled.)
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Delores
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:27 am
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I think this is similar to the "tipping the waiter" dilemma. I always tip the waiter even when service is bad. To me it makes no sense to tip a waiter. ever. He is not doing me a favor, it's his job!! but I do because this is what is done. I imagine this falls under same category.
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Faigy86
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:54 am
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Must? well no, but a nice card can show that you appreciate what they've done and are doing even if you can't afford a gift. Tipping teachers at pre-defined times during the year has become standard, but if you'd rather gift/tip at your own schedule, feel free. It has nothing to do with the mitzva of mishloach manos.
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watergirl
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:57 am
Yes - END THE MADNESS! This stuff is insane, and I have posted about it before.
Deloris - we tip the waited because it is how he makes his salary. Waiters are an exemption to minimum wage and they expect to be tipped. Its part of the social contract that we accept before we go out to eat at a full service restaurant.
A teacher is not a waiter, they make a salary, and even though we know how low and despicable the pay can be, thats not the duty of the parent body to compensate for that.
I say this as a parent and as a teacher. I have never gotten mm from a student, which I assume is because I never taught "in town". My husband is also a rebbe and has literally gotten mm once. And there was no check in it. There have been posts here from people who rely on these purim checks, and I think thats not right. For each kid who's parents happily write out a check for hundreds of dollars is a parent who writes the check with a knot in her stomach because the $36 check she is writing is coming from a place of communal pressure, not from a place of appreciation. Not all parents can afford this. My Step kids live "in town" and we got a letter from one of the yeshivahs regarding purim gelt for rebbes. We wrote out the check because we didnt want our son to suffer. But it hurt our finances, and it was a small check! Pesach is just around the corner! Do these rebbes and morahs want us to be gifting them on the cheshbon of our own kids stomachs? Of course not! But those years, my husband and I had to say "well, we get a check from Tomchei shabbos before pesach. So that will pay back what we are now giving the rebbe". So Rebbe's wife, if you are reading this, your husbands mm check came out of tzedaka money. And we gave it because we didnt want your talmid to suffer. And it was only $36, and I know you likely snarffed at it.
One year, I brought my chanukah gelt contribution into the classroom in a sealed envelope. I was attempting to slide it into the backpack of the child who's mother was collecting (prearranged) and and the teacher opened up the sealed envelope, looked at it, and actually commented to me that they have to keep cutting down the amount that they request parents to contribute, and by the time my $18 is split 4 ways, its not worth it. WHAT??? So yes, some teachers/rebbes really do feel like this. And this sense of entitlement to our purim checks is more common than we like to think.
Since when are mm a time to show hakaras hatov? ITS NOT!
OP, skip it, or send the teacher the same mm that you are sending everyone else if you really need to send something. If she is a good teacher, she will be thrilled to see the kid in a costume with the old fashioned stand by - orange and cookie in a paper plate, folded to look like a homenashen.
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cm
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:08 am
It's worth pointing out: Waiters and other workers who customarily receive tips earn considerably less than minimum wage (at least in the US). The tip is part of the expected wage.
I was unfamiliar with the practice of tipping teachers at Purim until I learned about it on Imamother. If you live in a community where it is a standard practice, then not tipping the teacher may really take away from his/her expected earnings for the year (especially if it is the sort of school that has trouble making the payroll).
On the other hand, if it isn't a universal community standard, don't worry about it. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about not making elaborate gifts with checks for the teachers all these years. No one does, that I know of. We acknowledge the teachers with school-fundraiser MM (costs a few dollars, is the same as what the families receive).
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mha3484
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:11 am
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I also do minimal MM. I dont make more then 10 or 15 and dont spend a whole lot either. I give to people in a small radius of me. I did not give moras last year for a lot of reasons but this year I am so so happy with how they are working with my child that I will make the effort to go since they live in a different neighborhood. I really like to take it one year at a time.
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amother
Coral
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:15 am
I am an educator. BH we do not need my salary for anything, but I still like getting appreciated. I donate my MM and chanukah tips, but other teachers rely on that money. We spend countless hours outside the classroom planning lessons or figuring out a ways to reach your children.
I have noticed a strong correlation between those children with home support and those children whose parents thank the teachers. If you can't thank the teacher with money, thank the teacher with a genuine card. Skip the silly generic teacher poem, and write a note from your heart. Insert a particular interaction between your child and the teacher that shows you appreciate their effort.
If you can, give money as it is greatly appreciated. If not, then say thanks for your hard work some other way.
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pickle321
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:17 am
I will never forget the time I went to a friends house on purim to give her mishloach manos (this was when I was in highschool) and her mother was an elementary school teacher. So one of her students comes and gives her a mishloach manot and I honestly don't remember what it looked like but it wasn't anything fancy. Anyways so after the student leaves the teacher starts complaining to us, not knowing that I happen to know that family, how it's so disgusting they have no appreciation for the teacher and how this family is so wealthy and you should see the snacks this kid brings to school blah blah blah. I was so disgusted at this woman's level of entitlement. Like come on be Dan lchaf zchut. It doesn't mean they don't appreciate you, it was the sister who brought the little girl and who knows maybe the sister didn't know the teacher was supposed to get a special one. Or maybe nothing. It really upset me.
Anyways I don't plan to give a mishloach manot that is different than what I am giving to everyone else. But I do plan to give a small check just to show the teacher my appreciation. I don't think it is obligatory but I feel like it is an opportunity to show her how much we appreciate what she does for my child. I also feel that as horrible as it is, teachers will give better attention when they feel appreciation so I am also doing it for my child.
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Simple1
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:25 am
| amother wrote: | I am an educator. BH we do not need my salary for anything, but I still like getting appreciated. I donate my MM and chanukah tips, but other teachers rely on that money. We spend countless hours outside the classroom planning lessons or figuring out a ways to reach your children.
I have noticed a strong correlation between those children with home support and those children whose parents thank the teachers. If you can't thank the teacher with money, thank the teacher with a genuine card. Skip the silly generic teacher poem, and write a note from your heart. Insert a particular interaction between your child and the teacher that shows you appreciate their effort.
If you can, give money as it is greatly appreciated. If not, then say thanks for your hard work some other way. |
Just wondering why the thanks has to be done davka around Purim time, which is a very busy time.
I do feel bad that you're not getting paid for all your work. I wish teachers were paid enough so that they don't have to rely on tips.
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amother
Seashell
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:36 pm
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I wish my children's rebbes and teachers would know how ashamed I feel to come on Purim with just mishloach manos and no check inside. I am literally crying inside, and hope that they don't take it out on my precious children who did nothing wrong. There are about 15 rebbes and teachers that we would have to give a minimum of $20 each. That would come out to $300. I just don't have the money. I don't even know how we are are going to make pesach this year.
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Ema of 5
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:51 pm
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We don't give money to teachers on Purim. However, I try to make a different mishloach Manos for the teachers. This year I plan on getting mugs, and putting in a coffee cake and a bottle (box?) of coffee. Nothing major, but just nice. At least I think so.
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eschaya
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Tue, Mar 08 2016, 4:44 pm
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I didn't know it's a "thing" to give a check with MM. Not done in my OOT area, bh. I feel it's very important for my kids to bring MM to their teachers so we make an effort to visit every single teacher on purim, but they get the same MM we are giving to everyone. It's interesting to just hear about this now... my mother is a teacher in a fairly large jewish community (not NY) and I can't remember her either getting money on purim.
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Raisin
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 1:24 am
I think its nice to give your kids teachers, not sure about this whole check thing. 
Maybe just send a simple mm to school?
You have to give SOME MM, so give it to your kids teachers. (Unless between them they have 25 teachers)
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Tablepoetry
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 1:43 am
So glad I don't live in a society or school system where teachers expect mishlochai manot or tips.
In fact, here, (public school system in Israel), it's illegal to tip or gift teachers. Or so I've been told. One year, before I knew this, I gave the gannenet a MM and she told me she can't accept, so she kept it for the kids in the gan (it was sweets).
(ETA yes teachers receive gifts once in a while, but generally it's from entire class together at end of year, with each parent contributing 10-20 NIS. And this is usually only for the lowest grades).
In any case, MM for teachers is not done here.
To say nothing of tipping with cash. I find the entire idea demeaning and inappropriate. But then again, different cultures...
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amother
Coral
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 2:37 am
| Simple1 wrote: | Just wondering why the thanks has to be done davka around Purim time, which is a very busy time.
I do feel bad that you're not getting paid for all your work. I wish teachers were paid enough so that they don't have to rely on tips. |
It doesn't have to be Purim time. I got tips around chanukah and at PTA. Purim time is nice because it is before Pesach, so the money can be used for extra expenses. And the kids love to come to the teacher's house.
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amother
Beige
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 7:05 am
| amother wrote: | I am an educator. BH we do not need my salary for anything, but I still like getting appreciated. I donate my MM and chanukah tips, but other teachers rely on that money. We spend countless hours outside the classroom planning lessons or figuring out a ways to reach your children.
I have noticed a strong correlation between those children with home support and those children whose parents thank the teachers. If you can't thank the teacher with money, thank the teacher with a genuine card. Skip the silly generic teacher poem, and write a note from your heart. Insert a particular interaction between your child and the teacher that shows you appreciate their effort.
If you can, give money as it is greatly appreciated. If not, then say thanks for your hard work some other way. |
I feel I support my kids immensely. We always do homework, I come to events, I do "extra enrichment" like historical sites on vacations etc...
But I don't feel I need to supplement the teachers salary. They have a problem with their paycheck? Talk to the school. You knew what the job entailed when you signed up. I work in a field, poorly paid, and it's not allowed to get gifts or tips. Even though I work countless extra hours outside of what you see as "my work".
I do thank (many times in person repeatedly over the year)but I cannot drive across town on the busiest traffic day of the year. I don't have the money either.
I think all teachers should not be allowed to be tipped. There is no way to NOT be bribed. The fact that teachers bad mouth students who don't give or feel any bias towards them shows this. I can't transliterate into English (it won't be understandable...) but there is a reason Jewish judges have to be super careful to not accept even a favor from a party in judgment.,.
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Fox
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 8:12 am
When my kids were all in elementary school, it could get insane very, very quickly. Five kids times 2 or 3 teachers each plus principals, menahels, deans, various counselors or tutors . . . the initial list was rarely under 25.
Have each child choose one or two teachers to whom he particularly wants to deliver MM. Kids love to deliver MM to their teachers, and it's an important part of chinuch. You don't have to include tips, but a note is nice. Limit the geographic area, as well. Don't add stress by driving to Buffalo Grove or even Skokie to deliver MM to the one teacher who lives there.
Honestly, while every teacher loves seeing his/her students dressed up and excited, I think they all realize that a happy Purim starts with a de-stressed mommy.
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Ruchel
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 8:19 am
An intellectual profession doesn't get a tip, it's rude.
A normal waiter gets a couple coins. More for a full meal.
BH I'm European... never give or get from student
If I hate my job or salary I take it up to the employer. There are people who seem to need to bribe teachers or pay extra months of tuition through "tips". Not beautiful... be honest and raise tuition
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Rutabaga
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 8:28 am
I like the way DD's school approaches this issue. The PTA arranges m"m for all the teachers and staff so they all get the same thing. The parents can pay a nominal fee per teacher ($5) to have their name on the card or a set fee ($75) to send to everyone.
Each class' teachers coordinate and set a time on Purim day when they will be together at one teacher's house in a central location for the girls to come visit and receive a m"m or treat while showing off their costumes.
No tips are required and all participation is optional.
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amother
Lavender
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Wed, Mar 09 2016, 8:31 am
| Fox wrote: | When my kids were all in elementary school, it could get insane very, very quickly. Five kids times 2 or 3 teachers each plus principals, menahels, deans, various counselors or tutors . . . the initial list was rarely under 25.
Have each child choose one or two teachers to whom he particularly wants to deliver MM. Kids love to deliver MM to their teachers, and it's an important part of chinuch. You don't have to include tips, but a note is nice. Limit the geographic area, as well. Don't add stress by driving to Buffalo Grove or even Skokie to deliver MM to the one teacher who lives there.
Honestly, while every teacher loves seeing his/her students dressed up and excited, I think they all realize that a happy Purim starts with a de-stressed mommy. |
I hate to be anon for this, but I'm from BG and never got mm! I might suggest that its MORE important to go out there (really, Edens takes 12 mins. BTDT!) because no one else does! If I am the kids favorite teacher, let him come to me. No one else will!
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