The official "purim is over and no one brought us mm" thread

amother

Apricot

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 6:43 am

While acknowledging your hurt you can set an example for your children and change the focus entirely and plan next year some kind of big "mitzvah" project like choose a hospital and go around in costume (kids if you're not comfortable) distributing shlach manos (you'd have to get permission from hospital in advance) or nursing home, etc. they will so appreciate it and you'll feel like a real winner!

that can be the real turnaround -- turning pain into reward!

PinkFridge

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 8:14 am

amother wrote:

I don't get this whole Thing. I prepared 6. Exchanged one at our door and sent my kids to the four people in the building. The last one will go to the cleaning lady tomorrow.

Besides that we took tips/MM/chocolate box to the babysitter, teachers, and rebbes.

And I made something for my mother's seudah so that counts, too.

And this was the happiest Purim I remember in a long time (for various other unrelated reasons.)

I think I might be missing some information because I don't get the angst around the MM situation. It is so not an emotional Thing for me and most people I know. What am I not getting?

Good for you. A lot of people in more suburban areas spend the day in the car.
Over the years, I notice people devote a lot more energy taking the kids to their friends and this is coming at the expense of who the parents get to: the parents are likely to take shortcuts such as tzedaka cards, especially if as cost effective as our local option, for any or most friends outside their immediate radius.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 9:46 am

PinkFridge wrote:

I guess the info I was missing is that mM is a "yardstick for friendship" to borrow a poster's expression. I don't send MM to any friends at all. I fulfill the mitzvah with the neighbors and "appreciation people" like teachers etc.

We talked about it when we all first got married and agreed that our friendship does not require the exchange of cookies and grape juice to endure.

amother

Jade

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 9:53 am

amother wrote:

Two things - First, maybe Purim is a triggering time for people who are lonely in every day life, and the lack of MM just reminds them of their pain.

Also, I was thinking, and I see it here a lot this obsession among certain professions like teachers and school therapists that MM=appreciation, and no MM= no appreciation. So then the rest of us who get next to nothing on Purim are sitting here scratching our heads and wondering if our existence is not appreciated. Everyone is working hard to make the world go round - think $12/hr cashiers who keep your family from starving, all humans like to be appreciated. I think this line of thinking is wrong and you should not read into who gives and who doesn't. But I'm wondering if our culture created this mindset.

PinkFridge

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:00 am

amother wrote:

I definitely think we should make everyone in our lives feel appreciated. We thank them sincerely, smile, treat them with respect. But there is a different yardstick for the partners in our children's chinuch.

amother

Silver

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:08 am

amother wrote:

Op here. After thinking about it and crying... I Realized that his year Hashem allowed me to fulfill all of the mitzvos of Purim. I heard megillah 2 times and no babies were in the room to cry and make me miss a word like years past. I had enough money to give a bit to tzedaka. Just a few dollars, but in years past I didnt. I was able to give out as many mm as I wanted, unlike the year I was in aveilus. We hosted a seuda. So people didnt think to bring to me. I cant change that. But the people who I choose to give to were all in the spirit of the mitzvah - those whom I would like to forge a friendship with. I didnt give to teachers, etc. My kids enjoyed driving around and they were happy. I'm still hurt and upset but I have to be thankful instead. Its just not easy, esp when literally an hour after nightfall last night, the local area facebook mommies group was full of people kvetching that they got too much candy and who wants it, or where can they donate it. I'm glad that I didnt choose to give to people who will not only get rid of my gift, but do it in such a thoughtless way. I gave real food - not laffy taffys - to someone who Id like to become better friends with. Isnt that the point? (Now I just need to repeat this to myself as often as needed!)

amother

Jade

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:10 am

PinkFridge wrote:

That could be. But it doesn't ease the pain of a lonely person or the person stuck in an unfulfilling job. Was just trying to explain some of the emotions on this thread.

HonesttoGod

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 11:52 am

Tbh I prepare MM because I like doing it. I have several left over and some people I was surprised didn't make the effort to come to me but at the end of the day I had fun driving around seeing friends and family and the kids loved seeing their friends.
Some people I gave for appreciation (bosses, babysitter, morahs) the rest were just because why not.
I really didn't expect any back but this year I got quite a few back and it is the first time ever. I have been in the community several years now and never really received anything because we never had a car to drive around and no one came to us.

It really is ott but I enjoy it so it doesn't bother me.
One person said oh I have for you in the car if you want and I was like na I don't need more junk keep it for yourself Smile

Hugs op, I have extra if you want the cake is really good Wink

amother

Teal

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 12:53 pm

amother wrote:

Title says it all. I delivered 10, some of those people gave us back in return, some said "oh... My spouse is out delivering and didnt leave any here" - hello that makes me feel worse. Do people really not keep some at home if a spouse stays home - as just in case mm? I know it isnt about popularity and I know that were still newish in town, been here almost 2 years, but in this space I'll vent. Even the people we invited to the seuda didnt bring! Feeling like a fool and a looser. We invite guests often and I try to make friends. I feel like had we not driven around to deliver, no one would have come to us.

I think it's very weird to have NO m"m at home, but even assuming true, I think the proper response would be for the wife to apologize profusely that they didn't get to you yet, (lie and) say that her husband is on his way to you as he's doing his rounds, thank you for coming by, and then, after closing the door behind you, call her husband on his cell and tell him to make sure to get to you!

And if this person doesn't understand that, then....she may not be someone worth pursuing a relationship with.

Iow, what she did was hurtful, but please try to remind yourself that the issues are with her, not you.

As far as the people you invited to your seuda. I also think this is social cluelessness and inappropriate. Maybe they're just clueless types, in general....(Again, it's them, not you.)

Hugs.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 1:44 pm

I'm amother who started a thread a few months ago saying that no one in my neighborhood brought me anything when I had a baby. I'm relatively new to the neighborhood -around a year here.
Well I went delivering mm early so as not to have a chance to sit around and wait . Guess what? Whoever I didn't go to did not come to me. Oh, and I went and brought mm to 2 new people who moved onto the block and to a woman who lives alone. I feel like sharing this here bec I am trying g so hard to be positive but sometimes resentment, loneliness and anger seep in. So, here's to me!
I spoke about my feelings to my husband saying why can't anyone go a little out of their way for me? He said most people r not like u. So heres to me again!
Did I mention Ive been hosting a lonely woman in my neighborhood for shabbos meals. Oh, and I have a newborn.

sourstix

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 3:18 pm

the mitzva of giving is to create ahava and kiruv leivavos.

that being said everone wants to feel loved and remembered and when you dont get it kind of makes you question if your remembered or loved.

thats why so many people are getting hurt. its a time to show others I remember you and love you. I appreciate you. for whatever reason it is.

so its around that that creates love or chv' can question if your loved. now as an adult I will say to myself that if you want love you give it. thats the way to go. and its giving thats true love.

amother

Silver

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 3:27 pm

sourstix wrote:

this thread made me think so much about this issue that I have never before. I never realized how others can get so hurt just from mm.

bli neder next year I will make an effort to do a lot more!

can there be a reminder of remembering this? please.

Op here. Dont do a lot more - just do it differently! Your close friends know you love them with out the laffy taffys. The family who moved in a year ago, the people you hardly know - they need it. Get to know them!

People dont like to step out of their daled amos. Tons of people only give to their apartment building or people on their block. What about the family who invited you for Shabbos once or twice and you invited them once or twice, but they live six or seven blocks away? Maybe you never quite hit it off to bring them into the close friend circle. But you like them and they like to hear what about the family who invited you for Shabbos once or twice and you invited them once or twice, but they live six or seven blocks away? Maybe you never quite hit it off to bring them into the close friend circle. But you liked them and they liked you. Give to them.

amother

Apricot

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 4:35 pm

It is very tricky balance because at the same time I feel for those who are so stressed out trying to buy, make, and deliver to "everyone" on their list and everyone they know.

In a way it could be like wedding takanot, people can choose to take the initiative to make changes they want to see...too much junk? so talk to your friends your group and discuss that you and dh have decided to give real food to a few people or teachers or to fulfill the mitzvah and plan a seudah instead, or give to needy, or only new people or something, just come up with something that works and set the trend. Sad feelings from "no" m"m? Please work to come up with a plan. It is heartbreaking once I delivered to a woman who said it was the first time shed ever received one and I really felt sick (tho happy I'd thought of her and could do it) . Sometimes people don't know can you mention to a mentor? rebetzin? not whining way but in a way that could allow people to help.

It is about ahavas yisroel so the question is how best to fulfill that mitzvah in ways that work for you and your family.

amother

Lavender

Sat, Mar 26 2016, 6:00 pm

amother wrote:

so talk to your friends your group and discuss that you and dh have decided to give real food to a few people or teachers or to fulfill the mitzvah and plan a seudah instead, or give to needy, or only new people or something, just come up with something that works and set the trend.

You're assuming that everyone has friends and belongs to a group.

MitzadSheini

Sat, Mar 26 2016, 7:06 pm

It's a tricky thing. We give most of our mm to people who don't "keep" Purim. Which means we end up giving more than we get. but at the same time, we have one neighbor who for some reason always gives us a really really nice mm. My kids used to sometimes count ...we gave out 28, we got 4, and I felt sad for them. but I emphasize to them not to expect any, and they see how happy we are making people who would otherwise get none. And I try to unpack them so they see a quantity of nosh, rather than a number of packages. I do think it I possible for even children to get more joy from giving to people who don't get than from receiving. I kind of davka don't to people who I know get a lot. Partially because I don't want to feel like they are only giving to is because we have to them.