How can I be a better host?

amother

Sun, Aug 05 2007, 11:01 pm

I have decided that I am not a very welcoming host. and I feel really bad.
can you help me to be a better host?
when I have guests, family members, I find myself getting annoyed that they ate up the blueberries that I was hoping to use for muffins, or they finished up the cookies I had in the freezer. really its ok that they are helping themselves and feel at home, but I still find myself getting annoyed, and keeping count of how many yogurts are left, and hiding one for me to eat later in case they get all finished. it makes me tense to see the mess that is left behind in the kitchen after they eat a meal or help cook for shabbos. I dont even feel grateful that they've helped to cook b/c I feel like they should, after all I cant be expected to do all this work myself, and they are perfectly capable. but in the end its my house so if they dont feel like cleaning up, I am left with it, and if I ask them to help clean up I feel like I am asking for too much, since they came after all to relax and spend time together and not to clean my house.
please help me figure out what is ok to ask for and what is too much to expect from a guest.
also how I can work on being sincere when I say, help yourself and make yourself at home.
also is it at all appropriate to say why dont you spend the day elsewhere, go on a trip or somewhere fun, b/c I am feeling overwhelmed having so many people in my house all at once, and for so long.

queen

Sun, Aug 05 2007, 11:15 pm

amother wrote:

also is it at all appropriate to say why dont you spend the day elsewhere, go on a trip or somewhere fun, b/c I am feeling overwhelmed having so many people in my house all at once, and for so long.

it's all in the way you phrase it..... Smile

for ex: find some attraction you think they'll enjoy, which would get them out of the house, and get you the quiet you'd prefer. Then put it to them as if you think they'd reallllly enjoy going to- XYZ, and allow you some quiet time to get ready for shabbos. (it's ok to be honest, as long as it's said in a nice way)

chen

Mon, Aug 06 2007, 11:08 am

You don't describe your overall situation, e.g. are you the Bubby whose children are bringing the grandchildren over, are you a mother of several young children hosting your siblings, or are the guests your parents? and how many guests are you hosting at a time?and are you inviting them or are they inviting themselves?

Assuming that your guests are not your parents, I don't think it's unreasonable to want them to clean up after themselves when they eat. You can't expect them to vacuum the carpets before shabbos, but you can certainly ask them to clear off the table, put the food away and put the dishes in the sink after they've eaten, and to help you with these tasks after everyone has eaten together. True, they come to see you and not to clean your house, but guests must understand that their presence creates more work for the hostess. Certain extra work is unavoidable--you have no choice but to cook more food, for example. considerate guests try to minimize the impact they have on the household by cleaning up after themselves, making their own beds, and so on.

It is indeed irritating if you stocked up on something and your guests polish them all off! it's still your home, and you don't necessarily have to open all your cabinets to your guests. do you have a place you can stash things you want to reserve for your own use? You can always put the most precious nonperishables in a suitcase or in your closet. Or put everything in one cabinet, say the one above the stove, and tell your guests "help yourselves to anything from the cabinets above the sink."

Perishables are a more delicate matter. Can you put the perishables in a sealed plain bag in the fridge or freezer and label with your name, or better yet, someone else's name? Even if your guests have no compunction about opening a bag that says "amother", if it says "For Mrs. Malinowitz" or "For Beis Rivka", they may respect those boundaries.

If you are doing the inviting, maybe you are inviting more people more often than you can handle. Try inviting fewer people at a time, or less often, or for shorter periods of time. If they are inviting themselves, you may have to learn how to say "no" sometimes. Having family is over is great, but not if you are going to be resentful of them.

Raisin

Mon, Aug 06 2007, 4:06 pm

Also, as a host, I live in place where it is hard to get kosher food, so obviously my guests don't have much choice but to eat my food. However, if I am a guest staying with a sibling, or even my parents, I will try and buy things like yogurts, and other expensive treats for myself and my kids. It is enough that they are cooking for me, they shouldn't have to pay for my every food craving. Obviously, if you are absolutely rolling in $$$$$, go ahead and stock up with luxury items.

I know how frustrating it is when your guests eat up the mushrooms you were going to make into pasta sauce (that happened to me the other day).