I really need help now (time sensitive)

thunderstorm

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:17 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

They are very on top of it. I am standing by the principals office right now to talk to him again. What are they supposed to do? Kick the kid out of school?

If there is no other option they may have to do that. Believe me it's been done. I've had a child that was bullied by his own classmates and in a way to defend himself my DS fought back, my cries for help were going unanswered until someone close to us took matters into his own hands, went down to the school and let them know this wont be tolerated. It turns out the principal did not realize the extent of what was going on and three boys were suspended for this. The entire school was called for an assembly and they spoke against bullying. They rewarded the one boy who told them to stop and ever since then my DS never had a problem in school and became friends with those boys.

mamita

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:17 am

You've got some great advice here.
It seems for all you've looked into that its actually a situation that lilibet addressed. I've had it too. And this is the way I went. It was a real struggle. Seemed never ending. But suddenly its hey when did that end?
What Marina wrote helps in such a situation too. The only time home should be fun is if it was prearranged because mom felt child could do with it. Or vacation time.
On the other hand it is always good to keep in mind -on the back burner! - that not always kids actually communicate everything or even the main issue. Perhaps the 'equal footing ' does not actually feel so equal and he is reacting macho because he feels bullied? Or perhaps something totally different? Perhaps he himself can't put his finger on exactly what he's resisting.
So while the world can't stop (great tool to teach a child!) and you are being the adult for him with non negotiable firmness Nevertheless keep your finger on the pulse. Eyes ears and communication open.

watergirl

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:24 am

Is the teacher on board? If your son is wanting his attention needs/leadership needs/ needs to assert himself to be met, how can she help create opportunities for this to happen for him? A small job in the class to help him feel that he is important and crucial to the class will go a long way. Beyond line leader/ attendance taker - where can she invent a job for him? These are known pedagogically as "self esteem needs" and even if you feel that he has high self esteem, he is in fact deficient.

ETA - You are in Lakewood/Monsey/Brooklyn (I forgot which one), correct? There are typically huge classes in those schools, and I'll bet your son is in a huge class, and will continue to be in a huge class for the foreseeable future. Your son may benefit from a bit of proactive therapy to help him with some coping mechanisms for the future. There will always be another kid who will get in the way, and its a good idea to learn how to cope and rise above challenge. My daughter had some issues when she was in a huge school and huge class, and this is what we did.

Last edited by watergirl on Tue, May 10 2016, 7:33 am; edited 1 time in total

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:25 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

My child is not being bullied!

They cannot suspend another boy because my son does not like his personality!!!

thunderstorm

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:37 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

My child is not being bullied!

They cannot suspend another boy because my son does not like his personality!!!

I hope it's just personality. I feel for you, dont know what to tell you....I at least knew what the issue was after my DS came home day after day crying and not wanting to come out of bed.
I dont know where your child goes to school but my brother and SIL send to a school with a zero tolerance policy on hitting. So if my nephew got hit by a boy and he hits back in defense, if he was the one caught hitting, he is automatically suspended , no questions asked. I'm assuming your DS's school doesnt have such a policy.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:44 am

right he's manipulating you
A. You're making it very easy for him with your bribes
B. I'm pretty sure that if you change something in your morning routine it might make him feel more prepared for the long school day. The way I think of it : how would you feel if you had to spend most of your day with a kid you hate ?( think a coworker ...). Now multiply it by 10 because he's a little boy ... There you go. No fun. Try to sympathize with him in your head and see how you treat him a bit differently tomorrow morning ... Another hug , another word of sympathy ... +A very tough front line in terms of no negotiations .. And hopefully the situation will resolve itself.

amother

Coffee

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:51 am

amother wrote:

I have a sibling who everyone thought was being obnoxious and manipulative. It turns out he was being abused for 3 years before anyone caught it.

I am NOT saying that this is the case here. I am just saying that often times when kids act out there is a reason. It may be a cry for help.

Maybe the other kid is being mean to him, bullying him, teasing him, etc.

my own child was like this. he hated school. his behavior was atrocious. he was a bully to our other kids. so according to chinuch advice, we gave him more and more attention. spoiled him really. but he was still so difficult. after two horrendous years, he finally told his menahel that he was being molested by other boys. Sad

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 8:06 am

watergirl wrote:

There are about 24 kids in the class. Is that huge?

I like the idea about giving him more chances for leadership. I am also looking into a therapist for him. I try to talk to him about how wonderful he is and teach him how to not be so sensitive, but it doesn't seem to be working.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 8:44 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Put him into an after school sports program. Karate, baseball, soccer etc something that will help build his self esteem and/or help him with teamwork and even how to be a leader depending on the sport you choose.

You can also talk to him about leadership/politics (because he wants to be a leader but doesn't seem to know how to go about it). Tell him that a good leader is someone that knows when to take a step back and allow other people to have a say in the way things are done. For example, we have the mayor of the city but he cant take care of everything so he delegates the work to other people or something to that effect. Then invite the other boy over for a mediation session so that they can learn how to work together I.e. one will be the president and the other will be vice president but they will work together as a team to lead the class. Get the teachers on board as well so that everyone will be on the same page and support this bipartisanship. That will eliminate any frustrations that your son is experiencing and help him work together with other kids while learning about politics as well. Good luck!

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 9:21 am

amother wrote:

He already does karate, baseball and soccer. I talk to him about leadership and how true leaders are kind and considerate of others. I will continue talking to him about it, and maybe teach him about bipartisanship.

I have tried inviting this child to my house and he has come numerous times. They play beautifully together! The problem is only in school.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 9:48 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

It's possible that the other boy is putting up a front and playing nicely with your son because he knows that you are watching him but he his mean to your son or leaves him out of games or has the other kids gang up on him etc in school when no one is watching (which means that he is likely putting up a front to the rabbis as well and that is why no one is really noticing the covert bullying/abuse that your son is experiencing). I am not saying for sure that this is going on but it is possible and that is something that you need to investigate.
This is behaviors that are very common in narcissists and while this boy may be too young to be diagnosed with narcissism, it is possible that this is learned behavior and/or someone is either doing this to him or somehow teaching him how to behave in such a manner. It is also possible that your son is feeling like you're being dismissive of him by telling him not to be sensitive and to be kind etc. but if he is dealing with this kind of behavior from the other kid then he really does need help as he is the victim of covert abuse. Please don't ignore it and certainly don't try to silence your child by telling him to be less sensitive about it because things will only get worse as time goes on which is what you want to prevent from happening.

watergirl

Tue, May 10 2016, 10:48 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

To answer your previous question - Yes, 24 kids, especially boys, is a very big class. Unfortunately, its the norm in many of our schools - but its a lot, and a boy who has needs for leadership/attention/praise will struggle.

I dont think the issue is this boy. I think the issue is that your son has a deficit and he needs to learn a healthy way to fill it. The question is, will the school cooperate with you?

I "know" you from your many (awesome) posts. You have the financial means to fulfill many material needs, BH. Your son is in many sports, and a longish day in school. How much at home time is he getting? Real time, not superficial? I believe your husband is often hot home due to long hours? Maybe a date night with your son with just you/just dh, to allow him to simply have your 100% attention will help? Just let him sit and talk, no other kids, no other distractions, not an expensive outing - see what you will learn. Do it once a week for many weeks and find out what you may glean from him. All week, look forward to your hour. Remind him about it. Dont make it contingent on his behavior or willingness to cooperate in the morning for school. Maybe that will be a good jumping off point.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, May 10 2016, 11:31 am

So in first grade I cried every morning before school that I didn't want to go. For months. I didn't really have a choice - my mom works in the school and just dragged me with her. If you're son is that resistant to going to school, it may be true that he doesn't like that boy, but there may be something else going on that is totally unrelated but he doesn't realize is a problem because he's only 7.

The only thing I told my mother about what was bothering me was that I didn't like my teacher, but that was it. Eventually, my mother took me to a psychologist - turns out I was suffering from depression at 6 years old. Depression in a 6 year old doesn't look at all like depression in an adult, or even a teenager. It is quite difficult for someone who is not a trained professional to realize that a child has depression. Now, I'm not saying you're son is necessarily depressed. But it's something to consider. It turns out that the basis for my depression turned out to be some other undiagnosed problems (below) which were making school unbearable for me - little kids often don't realize that things are different/harder for them than other people. . .

Other things to consider - ADD or a learning disability - it turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, and I was really suffering in school, but didn't realize that learning and concentrating were harder for me than for others. All I told my parents was that I didn't like the teacher, because that seemed like the problem to my 6 year old self. Turns out it was a bigger issue. And, don't assume that just because your child is doing well, that he doens't having a learning difference - I got all A's despite my ADHD, but it was killing me on the inside.

Another thing to consider - a physical problem, such as fine motor skill delay or eye muscle problem. These are not always noticeable to the average person, but make reading/writing very tiring for a child. Turns out I also had a problem with my fine motor skills, but I had no clue, because I didn't realize my hands got tired more quickly than other kids. I just said I didn't like to write. My husband had undiagnosed eye muscle problems in 1st grade but they didn't know and he spent the whole year having headaches and didn't even know it, because he didn't realize that headaches are abnormal because he had them all the time.

So, I strongly recommend you should take your child to a psychologist (who can help diagnose and/or treat underlying issues, whether something like depression or just something bothering your child). You should also think about getting your son evaluated for ADD and learning disabilities. You should also see if you can get your son evaluated by an OT or similar to check for fine motor problems. And, you should take him to an eye doctor who specializes in eye muscle problems to see if that's the issue.