Dh upset not modestly dressed in front of kids

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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amother

Mustard

Thu, Jun 23 2016, 11:41 pm

Were having this argument because of the way I was dressed in front of the kids.
I was on my treadmill in my bedroom and I always wear a tshirt, shorts and no snood. I do this early while my kids are winding down for the night before I lose energy.
After my workout I came to their bedroom to give them good night hugs dressed as is before jumping into the shower.
My dh criticized my dress infront of them saying I should not be walking around this way. I understand him but there could have been a nicer way of approaching me.
My question is was I wrong, is this halacha? I would wear a bathing suit in the pool in front of them so wasnt sure why they shouldnt see me this way. I understand that it is a sensitivity thing and was a better idea not to.
Just curious to know if others would allow their kids to see them this way.
We are frum and somewhat out of town chassidish if that even matters.

tigerwife

Thu, Jun 23 2016, 11:49 pm

Opinions will vary on modesty within one's home and in front of direct family but critiquing a spouse in front of the kids is a big no-no. Perhaps your husband was trying to prove a point to the children but it would have been better to speak to you about it later in private. Perhaps you can speak to a rav or rebitzen you feel comfortable with about modesty in front of your children, setting an example, etc and hear what's appropriate for your circles.

tichellady

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:13 am

It's deinfitely not halakha that you can't wear shorts and tshirt in front of your own kids. Your husband is wrong. Hopefully you can have a calm conversation and discuss this.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:19 am

Believe it or not, there are actual halachos pertaining to ones exposure of ervah when not in public. I will post as soon as I have a minute to check them up but it's not so simple to dismiss it as merely a sensitivity.

DrMom

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:08 am

I wear shorts and tee shirts in front of my kids. So does DH.

We are DL.

Seas

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:28 am

DrMom wrote:

I wear shorts and tee shirts in front of my kids. So does DH.

We are DL.

There's a huge halachic difference between your exposed body and your husband's.

allthingsblue

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:36 am

It is not Halacha. It is a sensitivity.
It is a halacha to be kind to your wife and not to hurt/embarrass her, so if your Dh was unkind in the way he delivered the message (I'm not saying he was- I'm saying IF he was), then he violated a halacha.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:47 am

This is a Hashkafic difference. It should not have been discussed in front of your kids. It would be a good idea to have a calm discussion with your DH about the impropriety of him criticizing you (or vice versa) in the presence of your children, anytime, about anything. If this is an issue in your marriage in general, rather than a one-time faux pas, then the two of you may need to involve a 3rd party (Rav or professional) to address this.

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 10:24 am

My husband would not allow me to be any less tznious in front of my kids than other men, except in front of my kids I don't wear stockings and might wear a tighter t-shirt (whereas outside I would wear another layer or looser shirt). We start this at about age 18 months when the kids notice. If you are anything to do with chassidish, they are much more strict about these things, so it is likely your husband was upset because of what he is comparing your dress to. We are OOT sort-of-BT yeshivish. Kids have natural kedusha unless we desensitize them to it. My niece asked her mother to wear nightgowns with leggings underneath when she was 3. My sister in law thought "well, I can either tell her this is mishigasin, or let her do what her neshama feels." Similarly, my son insists on wearing tzitzis while in the sprinkler. I can fight with him, or let him do what he thinks is right. It's a risky battle to fight and can easily backfire. Is it important or not?

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 10:30 am

amother wrote:

There are lots of holy reasons to do many things, but one spouse should not "not allow" the other spouse to do or not do something. Hashkafic differences should be discussed (and of course, one spouse should not denigrate the other, neither in private nor in public nor in front of the children). Often a couple will reach a compromise or an understanding; sometimes once spouse will give something up in the interest of Shalom Bayis or for a particular goal (fitting in to the community, for example). But these are choices that a couple discuss and meet each other thru communication.

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 10:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yes, in general I agree with you. This happens to be one issue that my husband has very strong feelings on and I don't have strong enough feelings for it to be an issue. I DID have issue with him asking me to cover my hair in front of him while nidda and while sleeping. That was a discussion and I do not do it.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:42 pm

Op here, I appreciate all the replies and I was curious if this was halacha.
If dh had an issue with it regardless of whether or not I agree, I would have been okay hearing him because it does not take much effort on my part to throw on a robe.
His approach in front of the kids was very wrong but there are way deeper issues in my marriage which we are in therapy for.

shaindy3

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 3:12 pm

This topic is very enlightening to me. I let my 3 year old DS see my basically naked. Like when I'm going in and out of the shower and I never thought of it to be an issue.
Maybe you're talking about older kids?
I feel when he gets older I would cover up more for him but now I feel like he's too young.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 3:21 pm

shaindy3 wrote:

I don't uncover totally in front of my daughters at that age. My body is private and I respect myself, and by doing so I'm teaching them to respect themselves and others.

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