Kids and mess and chores

amother

Cyan

Sun, Jul 03 2016, 1:41 pm

I really want my home to be tidier. I have a bunch of kids, oldest is 13, youngest a baby. I know they are all physically capable to help out at home/do some chores. But it is so hard to get them to do anything.

Should I expect them to help at all?

Did you grow up in a tidy home and if so how was that maintained?

I don't have cleaning help any more as I don't mind the actual cleaning and found that my kids were messier knowing someone would pick up after them.

I want my home to be tidier and I want my kids to behave responsibly in this area. Is that possible? HOW?

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jul 03 2016, 2:51 pm

I did not grow up in a tidy home and when I got older it bothered be a lot (in addition to not having money either). I always promised myself that my home would look beautiful. Well, it doesn't look so nice all the time since I simply cannot keep up with everything. My dh leaves things around (dirty dishes, shoes, drops things and doesn't pick them up...) and my kids are young and don't want to be bothered ... although they can clean up a little. I have a decent size house and realize that it's just not possible for me to keep it really nice all the time. I LOVE the one day a wk that I have cleaning help -- I just LOVE that feeling of all the beds made, bathrooms clean, counters empty, floors washed or vacuumed. I do realize that some women might be able to accomplish this on their own but I have come to the realization that I can't. I do wish I can afford more cleaning help but I tell myself that one day when I marry off all my kids, I will probably miss the mess (and noise) so I try to see it all as a blessing. I found that picking 1 area to have looking nice at all times is a comfort if the rest of the house is a mess. I choose my living room and dining room. At least if someone comes unexpected, there is a place to sit. The main rooms of our house are the kitchen and playroom. PLEASE give me lots of warning if you are coming to stay at my house since those rooms take lots of effort to make presentable. Sorry OP, no real advice but lots of rambling. Just know that you are not alone.

Iymnok

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:22 am

amother wrote:

Thanks...

I feel the same, but I also am concerned that if my kids are used to living in a certain level of mess, they'll never try harder to keep more tidy.

What I really want to know is how do the israelis do it? How is it their houses are always pristine?!

I feel the sam way!
I just told my oldest DD that if she does something to help me I'll give her 10ag. If it's a bug help I may give her up to a shekel. We've talked about what she could buy with it.
We'll see how it works!

grace413

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 2:06 am

Iymnok wrote:

Incentives are good for small children but I'm curious to know what you can buy for a shekel?

I am far from being Mrs. Good Housekeeping but I think it's essential for children's character development to have chores from a small age. When my kids (who are certainly not the compliant types) were young they were told the cleaning help was not there to pick up their stuff.

In general with small kids you can try the "after you pick up your toys we can read a book" type of things. As they get older picking up clothes/toys are a given but extra chores can get a reward.

I like the slogan "Clean enough to be healthy; dirty enough to be happy."

zaq

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 8:39 am

Children absolutely can and should have age-appropriate household responsibilities starting from as soon as they can understand and follow instructions. A child of two can throw his dirty clothes into the hamper and dust the baseboards. By 13 they can do just about everything you do, although for safety's sake you should supervise any job involving fire, hazardous chemicals or power tools.

Of course you can do it all better and faster, but that's not the point. This is chinuch just as surely as your teaching them to say Shma. In the early years they are trainees who aren't actually helping (a toddler's idea of "dusting" is pretty laughable), but getting household help is not what it's all about. It's about bringing up your children to be responsible adults with the domestic skills they will need to succeed. The payoff, besides nachas that your children are so skilled and make great roommates and spouses, is that when they acquire those skills, they eventually become enough of a help that you will feel bereft when they move out. That's how it goes: no sooner do you get used to having competent help than they leave, whether for school or to get married. (You hope.)

We didn't pay kids for doing their chores, unless they were special jobs outside of their usual responsibilities. I don't believe in paying children to do their usual chores because this gives them the idea that such work is optional: I want money, I work; I don't want money, I don't work. Nothing doing. All household members have assigned responsibilities, some personal (keep your own things tidy, put your dishes in the sink, put away your own laundry) and some related to the general household (folding household linens or washing the kitchen floor.) These are not optional. If they want to earn money they can ask for additional jobs beyond their usual.

Sure they grumble, especially if they have friends who have no such responsibilities. (I always wondered, and still do, what's up with all the middle-school and junior-high kids who are free to spend hours in the playground Friday afternoons? I didn't appreciate that sight, since my children asked "why do I have to clean up before Shabbos when all those kids don't have to?") But good parents get used to their children calling them "mean". In fact, google on "the meanest mother in the world" --don't go to the Youtube videos but look for the essay by Bobbie Pingaro.

zaq

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 8:48 am

That being said...you have to expect a house inhabited by young children to be less tidy than an all-adult household. For that matter, you have to expect a house inhabited by three or more adults to be less tidy than a house inhabited by just two, unless all the adults are equally fanatic (that never happens. Someone is always going to be just a shade more so than the others.) More people, more stuff, more traffic, more skin and hair shedding onto the floor. That's not an excuse for slovenliness, just a nod to reality.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Jul 06 2016, 12:43 am

zaq wrote:

Thanks Zaq thats really helpful