I didn't give her the ice cream she wanted

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 12:37 am

I have certain Ice cream bars that I buy for myself and eat it when my kids don't see. For my kids I buy cheaper ices. My 5 year old sees it in the freezer sometimes and asks me for it but I tell her thats for Mommy and she is usually ok with the ices I buy for her. The probem that I have is that, I have a neighbor that gives her kids tons of nosh without limits. Her 5 year old has free rein of the nosh closet and its well stocked. I always get annoyed when my daughter comes home with bags full of junk from that neighbor. My daughter gets excited if I give her 5 chocolate chips as a treat, where my neighbors kids come outside with a whole bag of chocolate chips to eat in one sitting. (they shared with my daughter-they devided a whole package of chips between two 5 year olds and one 6 year old) My daughter has never eaten so many chocolate chips in her life. Today this neighbors kids came outside with one of those Ice cream bars I have in my freezer special for me. My daughter came inside kicking and screaming that she wants an ice cream bar that I have in the freezer for myself. I felt so guilty not letting he have it. But once I had told her no, I didn't wanna let her have it because then she will think that every time she throws a fit she can get her way. I told her that she can have the ices I bought for her (which I usually only give her on Shabbos). It took her a while to calm down and agree to take the ices that I have for her, which she is usually very excited for. Was I wrong for not letting her have it? Is it selfish of me to buy special treats for myself that I don't give to my kids? Had I known she would be so upset I wouldn't say no in the first place. Are they helpless kids that they can't just go to the grocery and buy themselves whatever they wish like we adults do? What would you do in my place? Would you give in to her?

Last edited by creditcards on Mon, Aug 01 2016, 4:45 pm; edited 1 time in total

Undefined

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 1:11 am

One question would be why do you only buy those bars for yourself? Are they more expensive and you don't eat them as often? Are they healthier, in which case wouldn't you want her to have that too? Maybe you should buy a kind you both could have, because if she's sees that you buy special ice cream just for yourself and you don't share with her, what are you teaching her? If you don't want her to have so much junk, then maybe they shouldn't be in the house usually, only special occasions.

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 2:26 am

I buy them for myself because they are more expensive. I don't eat it so often. If I would let her have whenever she wants she would eat them all up in a day. An adult can understand they are expensive and you eat it when you are really in the mood of them. I don't eat them when she sees not to make her jealous. And she would never see them if she wouldn't be going and opening the freezer (which I don't let her open the freezer without permission) and looking for good stuff. I'm teaching her that not everything she sees she has to get. That's how things will always be in life for her. Other people will have things she will not. I am not teaching her she has to share everything she has, because that is not the way life goes. If she has something that another girl wants she does not have to give it away. I am teaching her how to share from her snacks and give others a little and keep most of if for herself. She does not have to split her whole snack evenly between 7 friends that want her to share, and end off with nothing. I am also teaching her that kicking and screaming is not a way to get things. I would offer it to her a different time just because I saw how much she wanted it. But not while she is screaming like that.

Tablepoetry

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 2:34 am

I didn't answer your poll, because I do buy special treats just for myself - but it's stuff none of the kids like anyway, like date bars.
I think you are going to have to change your mode of operation. You can't have yummy ice cream bars in the freezer just for yourself. The only exception I would make is special dietary restrictions - let's say if you had celiac or diabetes, then of course it would be acceptable to have special expensive treats just for yourself. But barring medical issues, this is just not OK.

Stock your freezer with what you can afford for everyone. Why would you create a situation where your kids are eyeing your treats with envy? Put yourself in their place. How would you feel if your mom stocked delicious treats just for herself?

Your kids are growing up, you can't keep them in an imaginary world where 5 chocolate chips are as wonderful for them as your fancy ice creams.

Of course you can always buy the better treats for yourself outside of the house, when they are not around.

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 3:20 am

She is just 5 years old. She doesn't not understand the difference yet. She only wanted it because my neighbor had it. When she will be older and really appreciate it, I would buy for her too.

This is not called keeping her in an imaginary world. There are tons of kids living on my block. None of the other kids have more junk than my kids, besides for this next door neigbor that my daughter happens to play with all the time. I live in a very simple neighborhood.

Tablepoetry wrote:

amother

Mauve

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 3:38 am

I dont buy treats for myself bcs I try to watch my weight, and if I have stuff in the house I will just eat it till its gone, due to weak will power. But then what happens is, my kids come home with party bags and I put it away in the cupboard for them to have on shabbos, and sometimes I sneak a few things from them without them knowing. Theyre happy bcs I give them whats left on shabbos, they dont realize there was more in there. I dont want them to have so much junk and candy anyway, its so bad for their teeth and health.(anyway they get loads at shul on shabbos, they are def not deprived).

Tablepoetry

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 4:45 am

I don't think your dd is deprived, or that you have to start giving her more junk just because the neighbour has.
I do think that standards change as kids grow, and yes, there is always that one neighbour kid who has more treats than everyone else. If it is only that one kid and the rest of the neighbourhood doesnt gorge on goodies, then your work will be much easier as your kids grow. One child with treats doesn't pose the same standard or peer pressure as a whole community with treats.

In any case, your dd has learned that these ice cream bars are not only for adults, and that they are special, yummy. Why bring strife into your own freezer? Either hide them much better, share them with her, or don't bring them home.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 5:22 am

Hide the ice cream way in the back, behind the frozen peas!

I think your bigger problem is the neighbor with all the nosh. In my old neighborhood, I was SO happy that nobody near me kept kosher, and the ones a few blocks away only had apples for snacks. DD had non Jewish friends, and she knew not to eat from them unless it was a fresh fruit not cut up, or a package with a heksher (I made her bring the wrapper home, and she always did.) I also taught her to say "No thank you, I'm not hungry" if something non kosher was offered.

I don't know what I would do if my neighbor was handing out kosher nosh all day long.

imasinger

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:34 am

OP, I think you are right that the whole setup as it stands now is not good chinuch. There are enough places in life where we have to watch someone else enjoying something we can't have. Creating more by keeping a treat that is reserved just for you, in the home, which should be a haven, seems unnecessary at best. If you say you are teaching her that when she has something, she should share a little and keep most for herself, then you should model that.

Fact. Your 5 year old has asked you more than once for those bars. So, yes, she does want them, and was never totally happy with the substitute.

Fact. You told her they were Mommy treats.

Fact. The neighbor kids were eating them.

Therefore, they are not just for mommies. So what can DD be thinking? Did Mommy lie? Is Mommy being selfish?

You will have to put an immediate stop to this thought process to avoid an immature child's jumping to the conclusion that you are both mean and untruthful.

She needs an explanation.

One possibility might be a discussion of how different homes have different rules. Surely, this is not the only time or way she has seen someone with a different way of doing things.

You can try explaining to her that in your home, these are just for you, just like she has a special blanket/bear/toy that she is not required to share. That because you love her, you buy different treats (ices) so that she can have freezer treats, too.

But then, ask yourself how you would feel if DH said that to you about some treat, and you had no money to buy your own. How well would it sit with you?

Here's a second alternative. I'd handle it by making it about the cost. Then, offer to her that if it means enough to her, you can arrange to get it, but it will mean giving up on something else. Let her pick between this frozen treat, and something else you get her occasionally -- a toy, bubbles, whatever. (You can limit her intake, tell her that you never have more than, say, once a week or month, and you will expect her to follow the same rule. And be sure you set the example!) My guess is that she'd do it once, and not bother again.

And also, at 5, she is old enough to start getting an allowance. Give her enough that in 2 or 3 weeks, if she saved up, she could buy a bar of her own.

Helping her master that skill is great chinuch.

watergirl

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 7:07 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

No no no. Thats all wrong. Dont hide them behind the peas. Eat the peas, save the bag, put the ice cream bars INSIDE the bag of peas. Its like the cookies in my freezer thats been covered with foil and then put in a freezer bag that is labled "meat loaf". No ones going near that. Meat loaf is toxic. Have you not learned anything from Cliff Huxtable and his box in the basement labled "xmas decorations"???

I DO hide treats. I have a smirk bar in my purse right now. Shhh. But when the kids find them, the gig is up and well share it. Its the circle of life.

lfab

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 9:34 am

My husband grew up in a house where his mother would buy things that were only for her and her children were not allowed to eat. As they got older one of his sisters would start sneaking these things for herself when no one was around. Really really bad chinuch, in my opinion. After discussing this issue my husband and I decided that we would not buy adult only items that the kids are not allowed to have. Now, that doesn't mean I'll announce every treat that I buy for myself. However, if I have a special treat that I bought and my kids do see it I will share. Usually if I buy a treat I try to make it 1 item (I.e. a candy bar) that I can eat right away or stick in my purse instead of a whole box/bag of something (I.e. box of ice cream bars). At 5 she's old enough to understand that this specific ice cream bar is more expensive and not an everyday treat. Let her have 1 once in awhile or for special occasions. If she sees that she is allowed to have one every now and then she will likely be happy with the plain ices on a more regular basis.

The only exception I make to the mommy only foods is when I go through a weight loss kick and I'll buy myself special low calorie "treats" and "candy" or even low fat cheese, etc.. Then if they see and want I'll usually tell them that it's the same as their candy/food just doesn't taste as good because it has less sugar, etc. and they usually no longer want it anyway. But, if they still wanted it I would let them have a piece to taste.

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 10:38 am

I think it's cruel to let a kid see something she wants and tell her she can't have it.

To sum up all the great responses here: Either 1) hide it somewhere she won't see it, or 2) don't keep it in the house, or 3) let her have it sometimes - as a special reward, Rosh Chodesh, whatever or 4) share one.

It's really messed up to let her see it all the time but tell her she will never have it.

Your rule about a 5 year old not being allowed to open the freezer rubs me the wrong way too, but hey, they're your mistakes to make and hopefully to learn from.

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 10:40 am

watergirl wrote:

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Coffee Addict

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 11:51 am

watergirl wrote:

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