I didn't give her the ice cream she wanted

greenfire

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 2:46 pm

to be fair I only read OP before my response:

while it's okay for mommy to have "special ice cream" ... I don't think your reasons were okay ... because it's cheaper sounds like your daughter isn't worth the extra 50¢

now if it were special diet ice cream, or lactose free ice cream that is more monies, you should buy the equivalent in regular ice cream for a treat for your children

while you are under no obligation to follow same eating and/or treat rules as your neighbor ... your daughter was most obviously feeling deprived from the neighbors kid having the same "special ice cream" you have - the very same one that you deny your child simply because ices are cheaper ...

ices are not ice cream and clearly your child feels like you don't get her need - surely it's possible to treat your child with ice cream every now & again ~ I would probably have a fit too

I really want to buy your daughter ice cream

[now off to read the replies]

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 4:40 pm

I definitely would treat her now and then, since I realized she really notices the difference and really wanted it. Until now she was basically ok with my answer when I gave her what I bought for her.
Once I had told her no, I didn't want to give into her just because she had a fit (which I almost did) I don't want her to know that when I say no, she can just throw a fit and get whataver she wants. Had I know before saying no what a fit she would have I wouldn't say no. I don't feel like spending money on something expensive for my kids when they don't appreciate it yet, and they are just as happy with something cheaper. Even if they are almost as happy.
There are other stuff I used to not give her and started giving her just because she became smarter. for ex: I used to only let her have plain yogurt when she was a baby (for myself I got the flavored) she ate the plain very nicely. She would sometimes ask for the flavored one and I would try to hide it from her. But once I saw she knows what she wants I just started buying her only the flavored ones.

btw it more than 50 cents, and it all depends on your budget.

greenfire wrote:

[now off to read the replies]

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 4:53 pm

creditcards wrote:

Ok this sounds a lot more reasonable than your original post and makes a lot of sense. No you shouldn't give in to a tantrum but you can say something like "you can't have it now because you don't get things by crying but I'm going to give you this ice cream as a special reward for good behavior tomorrow."

Classicookie

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 5:53 pm

yes it's ok to buy mommy treats but I do share too like in a box of 6 giving her 1 every once in a while is ok(while u get the outher 5 ) it's ok to say this is a once in a while ice cream and these are every day after camp ices. it's also ok to say I know xyz gets a lot of candy's but that's not how it's done in this house end of story. But as she get older and learns more from her friends things change been there done that but you can still set limits.

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:08 pm

Its not just that I want her to ask nicely and not tantrum. I want her to know that if I so no it means no and there is no room for begging. I used to give in to her all the time. I would say "no" or tell her ''its time for bed" and she would say "but I still wanna play....'' she would beg and make me feel bad for her and she would basically get to go to sleep whenever she wanted or do whatever she wanted. I can't handle this arguing with her all the time. So I decided that once I say no I don't change my mind. (for sure, sometimes I regret that I said no, but having her argue all the time is too much)

mom2zahava wrote:

Also I understand not giving into a tantrum but after she calms down you can say next time when there is somthing you would really like to try or want there is a better way of talking to mommy then having a fit Bec once you start acting like that I can't help you. Let's talk it out now and see how we can make things work next time.

Classicookie

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:28 pm

creditcards wrote:

No Bec you told her it was a mommy ice cream a few weeks ago so today she comes in asking my friend is eating one so can I have one too? If so you can say not today maybe as a treat or maybe I can look in the store for an I ice cream you will like. but saying no once and never letting her ask again will put up wall between you and ypu daughter.she will be scared to communicate with you the outher thing if you really don't ever want her to have it. eat it out of the house or hide it much better it's ice cream not like beer or wine were it's a clear reson to explain why it's not for them.
Also sticking to your gun for bed time and letting her have a treat that you said not today on a different day is not the same.

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:36 pm

She did not see me eating it, I would never eat it when she sees and not give her. But if she finds it in the freezer and no one in our family is having it now its a different story.

chayamiriam wrote:

If it was me and the ice cream was expensive my child would eat the ice cream and I would have the ices! Sorry, it's just not ok to give your child an ices if she sees you eating an ice cream that's what she is going to remember when she grows up!

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:42 pm

Sorry, I think it's fine for a child to hear that something is a special treat for Mommy and it's not for them.

If they kvetch etc., I will try to help them articulate that they would also like a special treat like this. I will discuss how they like lollipops and Mommy doesn't, they get jelly beans for a Shabbos treat and Mommy doesn't, and this is a special treat for me.

I will try not to eat it in front of them, as a sign of manners, the same way I tell kids to eat their birthday party leftovers or whatever not in front of others to make them jealous.

I'm not sure why so many people here think that kids and parents have to get equal treatment.

I also tell them that Mommy can stay up later, because with achrayus comes zechus, etc... I tell them that when they are the Mommy/Tatty, they get to make up the rules that work for their house.

creditcards

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 6:42 pm

I said no just for then. Not for a different day. It has to be a logical reason for me to change my mind that she should understand its not because she begged. If I find out new info and she sees thats why I changed my mind its different. And its also just until she gets out of this begging habit. I don't want her to think whenever she asks nicely she automatically gets what she wants, because she doesn't always.

mom2zahava wrote:

Miri7

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 7:12 pm

I agree that once the mom says not it should be the end of the conversation. But some time when you are having a great in the future you can ask if she'd like one of the special bars.

DH and I now buy dark chocolate for our special treats. The kids treat anything that says dark chocolate on the label like kryptonite. Smile

It is sweet that the neighbor girl is so willing to share but it would be so much better if her mom were giving fruit for snack.

imasinger

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 7:41 pm

I wonder if it wouldn't solve the issue to say "later."

"Now is not time for this treat. But if you ask me nicely on ________, that is a time for having these."

In terms of the freezer. Is this your oldest? Because you are going to find more and more areas where you have to change from an indiscriminate ban to teaching how to do it right.

In this case, you could show her how to check if it's closed, and tell her that she has to tell you when she has opened it, so that you can double check. Doing it carelessly could result in temporary loss of the privilege, and possibly some logical consequence in addition, depending on whether she remembered to tell you and let you double check.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 10:02 pm

Honestly, I'm not very into the "mommy said no" holds firm under all circumstance type of parenting. While it's true that it's important, in general, to be consistent as a parent, it's also important to teach a child flexibility, humility, and appeasement when one has been wrong. I have no problem telling my child that I realized that my original position was not necessarily correct and that I changed my mind. I don't understand why it's so important to you to teach your child rigidity, and why it has to be so hard for you to change your mind about something that is so important to her.

That doesn't mean that I would just give in to a tantrum, but I don't necessarily always say no and stay that way just because I said no in the first place. It's far more important to me that my child feels my love consistently, than it is for her to hear that NO! loud and clear.

And I can't, for the life of me, fathom having something my child saw that is special, and telling them it's only for me. I don't agree with that whole concept, because my children are so special to me, I would never want them to feel that feeling of something being reserved not for them. Instead, I'd tell the child that the treat they saw is for (Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, etc...) but not for right now.

I also don't get why you would think that your child does not appreciate the icecream, no matter how expensive it was...it sounds like she has expressed that she gets it alright. Children are often far more knowledgeable, sophisticated, and intelligent than we expect, and as imasinger said so well, as your child gets older you will find many areas where you will have to change your "no"s.