Teenage son doesn't shower, use deodorant or brush teeth

amother

Olive

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 9:09 am

Unless I beg him to shower he simply won't. At best I can get him to take one every 2 or 3 days. It doesn't seem to bother him that it's the summer and he is all sweaty when he gets home. I doubt he uses body wash or shampoos his hair when he finally agrees to shower. He can't stand deodorant. Spray or roll on are both out. He hasn't brushed his teeth in years. He is Very sensory and I suspect this is certainly connected but I'm beyond frustrated. He's in therapy but doesn't care and won't change. Can anybody relate?

DrMom

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 9:23 am

1. Get him some therapy to deal with his sensory issues.

2. I don't have much experience with sensory issues, so perhaps this is inappropriate, but I would tell him that is he wants to live in your home, he must follow basic hygiene routines. Just like he must keep him room neat and do his chores, he must take care of himself -- not just for his own health -- but also the comfort of those with whom he shares your home.

animeme

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 9:33 am

What kind of therapy? Is he getting OT? Try to find a therapist who works with teenagers. It may be one who specializes in autism, which is fine, even if your son isn't. The therapist can also consult or work with a behaviorist if needed.

Have you tried an incentive program for something he really wants? It's tough to police grooming. I would walk him into a drug store and require him to choose a deodorant, his choice, and incentive him to use it. He may hate feeling wet there. So let him use a solid, and if he misses one day a week on Shabbos morning, ok. If everything itches him, think about getting something like Dove.

With deodorant use, jumping in the shower daily for two minutes, even without soap, can be a goal that produces a workable solution. Also, if he hates getting shampoo in his eyes, and his hair is basic boy short, he can wash it for now with a bar of soap. Lather it straight or the head, rub it in, rinse it out. Dove sensitive skin shouldn't hurt the eyes. Shampooing shouldn't have to be daily, unless he has hair so oily it smells.

amother

Olive

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 9:46 am

amother wrote:

How old is your son?

He's 15. He's had several different therapists he past few years will little results. It comes down to his complete unwillingness to change as he doesn't really see why this is a big deal. If I push back and take away privileges he gets very sad and depressed.

DrMom

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 10:07 am

amother wrote:

Tell him he doesn't have to see why this is a big deal. Practically everybody else in the civilized world -- including his mother -- sees this as a big deal, and therefore he must do it in order not to be ostracized.

Make this non-negotiable.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 10:17 am

Please keep trying to find a solution, and don't give up!

My DD's mother was dealing with cancer while he was a teen, and totally didn't have the koach to push him on hygiene. He's almost 70 now, and never brushes his teeth, only showers once a week (l'kavod Shabbat), and doesn't use deodorant.

Because we were shomer negiah, I never got close enough to realize that this was a problem until after we were married, and it has been really horrible for me and the kids. He stinks, and no matter what we say, he is totally oblivious to it and refuses to change.

For the sake of his future wife, keep at it!

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 10:36 am

If he doesn't brush, his dental health (and, over time, possibly his general physical health) is at risk.

Make sure he sees the dentist regularly. Some kids respond better to non-parental authority, so ask the hygienist to review daily self-care with him. Sometimes health-care providers who work with adolescents use contracts to help the kids work towards a goal. I recommend going to a pediatric practice with a good reputation among families with teens.

A lot of fifteen-year-olds don't notice body odor, but will in a year or two. Until then, parents do need to encourage routine bathing. Pushing teens doesn't usually work, but a matter-of-fact talk and a mutually-agreed-upon schedule might be accepted. (This worked for us, BTW). Then all you have to say is "Shlomo, it's Tuesday. Don't forget to shower before bed." Daily bathing is not necessary unless he is actually dirty or smells bad. Having more than one pair of shoes to rotate is helpful and healthful, regardless of frequency of bathing.

If he has sensitive skin, he can use witch hazel (hemorrhoid wipes) in place of deodorant. It takes a minute to dry before getting dressed, but doesn't have the sticky consistency of most underarm products so he might be ok with it. The wipes can also be used as a touch-up in case of odor.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 10:58 am

Sometimes you catch more flies with honey. I've had/have some real tough boys and have found "incentive" to be very effective in creating positive habits. Is he interested in earning money? For a specified amount of time, offer fixed amounts for each behavior he performs. Think of how much you'd be willing to spend to get him habituated to all of those routines. How much is the cost of filling a cavity (or worse ch'v)? I'd offer at least $10 for the first time he forces HIMSELF to brush his teeth. These accomplishments have to come from him. Forcing him will foster resentment, negative associations and consequently diminishing chances of perpetual performance. Not to mention, you'll eventually get burned out from continuous nagging. Hatzlocha!

naomi2

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 6:03 pm

is he on the autistic spectrum? you mentioned sensory issues, lack of social awareness/perspective regarding bad hygiene, and inflexibility. you may have more resources to deal with this issue if that is the case. if I'm wrong ignore the question- I never met your son so it's a shot in the dark.
most kids that age care how they appear to others and do basic hygiene.
I would bribe him as others have said. he simply must shower and brush teeth no matter how it comes about.