Why do people give false invites?

amother

Papaya

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 12:14 pm

I don't know why somebody would invite us for a specific shabbos and when it comes to it you never here from them again. If you have no intention of inviting us why are you playing mind games with us. Or at least call as soon as you know it won't work and notify us. I hate finding our in Wednesday or Thursday that the plans fell thru. Why can't people be more honest.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 12:22 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe they genuinely forgot? Back when I was single, I once confirmed with a family I'd be coming over (probably confirmed earlier in the week, like on a Tuesday), walked over Friday night, and they weren't home. Turns out, they went away for the whole shabbat. I knew them and they are really sweet, and don't think I ever even told them because I realized it was definitely a mistake and they would feel terrible. Some people are just more overwhelmed/absent-minded and forget to tell even people they love.
With these people, just know that you need to confirm later in the week with them and that you cannot trust that you have set plans until later in the week after the confirmation.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 12:59 pm

amother wrote:

Op , how can you tell whether they intentionally invited you with the idea of reneging as the date got closer or if something legitimate came up?

Well if something legitimate came up why can't they pick up the phone or text us and tell us. Why do we have to be left hanging?

Amarante

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 1:13 pm

That is definitely not a polite way to interact. It is one thing to vaguely suggest getting together but quite another to make a specific date and then not remember. I have never had this problem.

Since it seems to be a recurring problem for you, I would suggest sending an immediate confirming very sweet text like the whole family is so excited to be able to spend Shabbos with you on x date. Is there something specific I should bring because otherwise I will just plan to bring z. So look forward to seeing you on x date.

At least they will then have to respond in some way and just not attempt to gaslight you by claiming there was never an invitation.

Talya

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

Well if something legitimate came up why can't they pick up the phone or text us and tell us. Why do we have to be left hanging?

Maybe something all consuming came up, not saying it's pleasant but there could be a legitimate reason you were left hanging. I'd give the benefit of the doubt if it's a once time occurence.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Aug 14 2016, 2:18 pm

I know a couple that were invited to another couple for shabbos lunch. They showed up and no one was home, so they were confused. Then they realized that the door was unlocked and there was a phone book opened to the hospital page. The hosting couple had no way to leave a note on shabbos to let their guests know that the woman went into labor, so that was the best they could come up with in the spur of the moment.

You never know what is going on behind the scenes. Try to be dan lekaf zechus.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 8:38 pm

oliveoil wrote:

If they invited you for a specific shabbos and you accepted,why would you need to hear from them again? Plans were made. They were probably expecting you. Did you go?

I'm confused.

They invited us in June for visiting day weekend in July. My husband saw his friend in beginning of the week and passed him a comment about the invite. This friend made other plans for that weekend and never told us and we were left hanging. If I knew right away we could have made other plans.
Another time a friend invited us for a specific shabbos we were already going away and we made up we will come a different weekend. The Wednesday before shabbos my husband called them and left them a message and they never returned the call.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 8:17 am

Bernie wrote:

Aha! I never ever ever ever let the husbands finalize the plans. They can shmooze about plans or even "make" plans but I don't consider it a done deal til the wives speak.

The second one I confirmed the weekend with the wife originally which would work for both of us.

amother

Puce

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 8:44 am

Honestly, I don't know anyone that really plans more than a week before (aside from yontif, which is different). If I were to plan to have someone over for a Shabbos meal 2 or 3 weeks from now, I'd forget unless I was reminded the week of.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:15 am

amother wrote:

I am talking about summer weekends (ex. Visiting day)
Looking for a rental last minute is hard to come by

Chayalle

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 10:52 am

I'm feeling really bad now.....I was planning to go to my father for the weekend, and someone asked me if they could use my guest accommodations...and last minute, my car's in the shop, not going to be ready till next week, so my father has decided to come to me instead, and I have to cancel on them.

Is it really bad to cancel on Thursday? I was thinking I'd offer to help them make some other calls. it's not for a Simcha BTW - just someone wanting to spend Shabbos with extended family.....

amother

Puce

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:08 am

amother wrote:

I am talking about summer weekends (ex. Visiting day)
Looking for a rental last minute is hard to come by

So? My memory isn't any better in the summer than it is the rest of the year. Why is visiting day weekend any different than the weekend of August 21st? Obviously you're only interested in seeing these people in the worst possible light. Other posters have tried to explain why they probably didn't purposely string you along, but you refuse to see any other possibility than that they purposely and maliciously extended an invite just so they could cancel on you at the last minute. Perhaps you'd have better friends if you exercised your ayin tovah a little more.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:22 am

amother wrote:

I have no problem that they canceled. But one time we had an invite for a specific weekend and he person never confirmed and when we called them we got a machine. We were left hanging. We could have made arrangements to do something else. If something comes up or you don't want to have us just call up right away and say something. Don't make people wait till Wednesday or Thursday to find out you decided to go to Israel or Canada.
I picked visiting day because its hard to find rentals or hotel availability in the Catskills last minute.

watergirl

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:56 am

amother wrote:

I'm sorry... It sounds like you were using them for their summer home for the weekend that you needed to be up there. Like, you are more disappointed that you had to scramble and make other plans of where to stay in the Catskills, as opposed to bummed that your time with friends didnt happen. Maybe that's the impression that your friends got also, which is why they didn't feel so bad about leaving you high and dry?

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:11 pm

Oh, I had a good story. met a couple that we knew - my husband was in school with the dude on thursday which was succos, friday for the americans would be yom tov, and chol hamoed for israelis. well this couple was like you guys need to come over, eat by use friday night meal. we said cool, she said call me tonight so we can figure out specifics like when we're eating and you can write down our address. come thursday night we realized we didnt have their phone number.
I searched everywhere online for it and finally came up with an old post of hers on yahoo and my husband texted her. mind you, this is a few hours later. so she first says how'd you get my number, we told her and then she said oh. so we said is the invite still on, what can we bring, she's like - hate to be an indian inviter, but it's going to be too hectic and we have girls over. a few hours later.... all of a sudden everything changed.
we met the husband in the street a few weeks later and he's like why didnt you guys come, we said uh, your wife told us not to come. he looked confused.
a few weeks later he said, oh, you should come for a meal... we just smiled and nodded and walked away.
fast forward a year, they bought an apartment next to us... FML

amother

Papaya

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:15 pm

watergirl wrote:

But they called to invite us we didn't invite ourself.

heidi

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:17 pm

I'll give you a reason that happened to me last week.
A friend called two weeks ago to invite me for lunch. A lovely person, but not someone I am very very close with. Anyway, we had plans and it was our "turn" to have them so we confirmed for the next Shabbos.
And then I realized that the next Shabbos was erev tisha b'av and I wanted to have an early, quick lunch in order to be milchig in time for seuda shlishit. So I called and apologized and explained that I want to have them when I'm making a fancier meal (no first course last Shabbos etc.) and when I can enjoy spending time with them.
She was gracious and lovely about the cancellation and we agreed to get together soon.
And then . . . my neighbor, who is more like a sister than a neighbor, called and asked to come bcz. some of her family is out of town.
And then . . . my dear friend from America's single daughter called and asked to come with a friend for Shabbos.
And then . . .I realized I should invite a guy I grew up with whose family is out of the country.
All these people are people I feel totally comfortable having a quick, early meal with. But all of a sudden I started to worry that my first guest was going to think I had "falsely" invited her. You really never ever know.