Help 14 year old in relationship

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 3:48 pm

14 year old girl is seeing an 18 year old. They've apparently been intimate (had sx). What should I do? Report him to the police? Does she need therapy? Is it child sx abuse? I don't know if he is very mature but it seems to still be a big gap, no?
She is somewhat troubled, as her dad is absent a lot and hasn't lived with her since she was little, he's also not a nice man.
She seems to think that it's not a big deal and that it's a relationship.
Any advice would be great!

amother

Magenta

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 4:03 pm

amother wrote:

Are you her mother? [I ask because you say that her father hasn't lived with "her" since she was young, rather than with you.]

Please don't call the police. He's an 18 year old boy who had consensual relations with his girlfriend. Yes, she's 14. But she knows what she's doing, and its not a huge gap. Certainly not huge enough that he should go to prison (up to 7 years in NY), and then have to spend the next however long -- or forever -- as a registered sx offender.

First things first. Get her to a gyn, immediately. Have her tested for STDs, and then get her on effective birth control. She doesn't need a baby.

Talk to her about responsibility. About pregnancy. About being in a loving relationship.

If she's troubled then, yes, it would be a good idea for her to go to therapy, if she's willing.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 4:55 pm

Excuse me for asking, how in the world can a 14 yr old consent to s@x? She is still a baby! She really needs help. Get some professionals who know how to deal with this and ask them to guide you. You sound like such a nice person to try to help. Think before you do anything drastic so she will want to cooperate. She probably likes him. So you making him look bad will only backfire. It's comlpicated. If she hasn't tried drugs then she can be helped much easier. Is she into more boys? Is she into risky behavior more then this or only this? If it's only him then zero in on why she is willing to be with him. It's obvious she doesn't have a father figure but what her feelings are is good to know. That's what is drawing her to him. Oy my heart aches for these children. They are so lost. They think going with boys is the answer to their problems. They have no support so they get attracted to this. P,ease try to help her you might save her. But clearly you need guidance how to proceed. Good luck

Last edited by amother on Wed, Oct 05 2016, 5:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Magenta

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 5:04 pm

Yes, in many placed in the US, this would be statutory rape. (And I agree that the OP uses British-isms.)

But it also may well be a high school senior dating a sophomore. And I think it would be absolutely wrong to put the boy in prison for years, and have him labeled a "sx offender" under those circumstances. I mean, think about it. A senior makes a mistake, sleeps with a sophomore. Now he's a sx offender.

In the UK, apparently,

Quote:

It is an offence for anyone to have any s-xual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age.

It is an offence for a person aged 18 or over to have any s-xual activity with a person under the age of 18 if the older person holds a position of trust (for example a teacher or social worker) as such s-xual activity is an abuse of the position of trust.

http://www.fpa.org.uk/factshee.....nsent

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 7:14 pm

I've explained to my daughter and her friends, that no matter how nice the guy is, if he's over 18 (or any other inappropriate age gap) then the guy is at a HUGE risk of going to jail.

I don't care if it's "true love". If the girl really loves him, she won't put him in a situation where he could get arrested. If he really loved her, he'd wait until she was legal.

DD has a friend who's dad is never around, and the mom is always drunk. She's being raised by her grandparents, who are not kind to her. This girl is 14, and dating a 21yo. DD has been trying to talk some sense into her, but the poor girl is so desperate to get approval from an older man, she refuses to take advice.

Ladies, if you husband is not around and not involved with your kid's lives (even if you are still a couple) this could happen to any of us! I'm not saying don't get divorced, because sometimes that really is the better way, I'm just saying to make sure that there is some kind of strong, gentle, supportive men in your daughters' lives, or else they will look for it somewhere else.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

http://www.fpa.org.uk/factshee.....nsent

You sound like the father of the stanford swimmer rapist - "why should he have to pay such a high price for his mistake?" An 18 year old and a 14 year old is more like a college freshman and an 8th grader. It's against the law for a reason, there is a major physical and emotional gap there.
op I'm not sure exactly what you should do but you definitely have to do something.

Volunteer

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 6:39 am

I'd like to add that she should be on birth control herself. It sounded like HE was using some kind of "protection." If that is referring to condoms, she should know that the failure rate is high with typical use. Also, if he's going to have relations, she must take reproduction into her own hands, and take enough responsibility for herself to faithfully use BC herself. It is very dangerous to rely on a guy for "protection" when almost all the responsibility for pregnancy and a baby will be on her. Maybe you could offer to take her to a clinic where she can get BC. And perhaps the experience there will make her question her choices.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 7:05 am

amother wrote:

Oh, please.

If a 14 year old girl is in 8th grade, then an 18 year old is in 12th. But more likely, the 14 year old is in at least 9th grade, maybe even 10th. I was in 10th at age 14.

Far from a baby.

You're trying to make it sound like she's as young as possible, and he's as old as possible, to meet your agenda. When the most likely scenario is that they go to school together.

The girl who was raped by the pig at Stanford was unconscious. She didn't say yes. Anything other than YES means h3ll no.

And this is a girl who is saying yes.

Would I approve if it were my kid? No. But do I think that a boy should be in prison because he had a girlfriend? No.

amother

Maroon

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 7:21 am

amother wrote:

And for some reason your agenda is to make her sound as old and him as young as possible to make it sound like NBD. And I was 14 in March of 8th grade so I was 18 for much of my college freshman year. Those numbers are pretty typical. The whole point of the age of consent is that the law understands that at young ages people aren't mature enough to make adult decisions and a much older man brings a power imbalance with more s-xual expectations than another 8th grader.

Op I agree about getting her bc and have the dr give her the scare talk about pregnancy and stds. Btw I guessed you were British because you said "mum." Wink

Fox

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 8:20 am

Forget about age of consent and statutory rape. That's not the real issue here.

The real problem is a very young woman who is seeking male attention and validation through an intimate relationship for which she is almost certainly too immature. Unless the underlying issues are addressed, this will likely be the beginning of a string of relationships that are inappropriate for various reasons, the least of which may be age differences.

In order,

1. Birth control for which she is responsible. Volunteer said it all. Taking responsibility for birth control isn't just about avoiding pregnancy; it's also about living in the real world rather than a fantasy world.

2. Therapy to work on whatever underlying issues have led to her need for male attention.

3. Straight talk on an ongoing basis about the differences between how men and women see relationships and specifically what motivates 18-year-old boys.

The hard part of this is that Miss 14-year-old considers herself a consenting adult. She's going to dismiss any suggestion to the contrary. I think, therefore, that the OP may have to respond in a counter-intuitive way.

For example, she might suggest they all go to a restaurant together or do something similar. "You've said so much about Geoffrey! I'd love to meet him." Or suggest that they both come to her home for a meal.

One of two things will happen: Geoffrey will turn out to be a slightly clueless 18-year-old who has stumbled into this relationship and won't resist being treated like a quasi-family member and influenced accordingly.

Or, as many of us obviously suspect, Geoffrey's affections will turn out to be primarily hormone-driven, and he'll lack any interest in becoming involved with his girlfriend's family or daily life. In which case the OP can say, "Huh. That's funny. Most boyfriends are really pleased when their girlfriends want to introduce them to their families."

Either way, the OP will have a better idea of how to quietly coach Miss 14-year-old on how to accurately evaluate the motivations and intentions of men who express an interest in her, whatever their ages.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 9:23 am

Thank you for all the input. II've taken note of it all both about bc and trying to get to know him. I'm gonna invite him over for lunch on a Sunday maybe.
From what I understand he doesn't seem like a great guy. He hasn't taken her out anywhere (no dates), they just meet up and listen to music and have sx.
He's told her he loves and and will marry her when she's old enough. I somehow doubt it.
They are not on the same school, he's not in school at all. I'm not sure when he turned 18.

Is this child abuse seeing add she's a child? Will she need therapy to get over this?
I'm doing my best to help her but have to tread carefully.