Guests staying over

amother

Ruby

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:23 am

When u have guests coming for shabbos do u expect them to stay over on sunday or come early like Thursday night?
If they stay over to Sunday morning am I expected to give them and their kids a full breakfast and entertain them?
Do u keep ur kids home from school on sunday?
I am just wondering.
A relative (2 adults 2 kids)asked me on Tuesday if they can come for shabbos. I said ok. Texts me at 11 pm Wednesday (was asleep already) if they can come Thursday night. House was flying. I text him Thursday morning I would rather not (I felt bad but we all had work/school on Friday and I couldn't have extra ppl hanging around)
Came friday. Motzai shabbos they just didn't leave. Went to visit my parents they tagged along...which was ok. Then sister asked when theybr leaving and they said oh we r staying tonight and hanging around tomorrow and leaving later in the day....I wasn't expecting that.
I don't really mind but dh gets nervous from them.
This morning my son had school and I sent him.
Their kid (7) jeeps raiding my Pantry for food and asking for breakfast. I offered him what my kids had doesn't want.
Am I expected to go make him a different breakfast? (parents still never came downstairs)
I know I should have found out their plans before. I kind of thought they may want to stany over but was wondering if they would ask me or just stay....
I dont have major plans for the day honestly but if I did am I expected to change them because they just didn't leave?
Just curious what other ppl do.

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:36 am

IME, the standard routine for Shabbat guests is they arrive shortly before Shabbat on Friday, unless arrangements are made in well in advance. In the winter, they leave Saturday night, although it is not unusual to enjoy a social activity together after Shabbat. In the summer, I would certainly ask guests to stay until Sunday morning if they have a long drive. I would offer simple breakfast foods, and expect them to leave after breakfast/shacharit.

It is totally ok to clarify plans (and set limits) with guests before they arrive: "Hey, I'm just giving you a call to see when we should expect you on Friday. We'll be home at 2 pm, but if you need to arrive earlier, please let me know so we can make arrangements to let you into the house. Will you be leaving right after havdala, or would you like to join us at the shul melava malka program first? If you want to stay over until Sunday morning, I'll leave some breakfast choices on the kitchen counter for you, and you can leave the dishes in the sink. We'll be going to work and school at 9 AM, so you can lock up and leave the key on the porch when you leave."

amother

Ruby

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:48 am

allthingsblue wrote:

I think they should have asked you if it was okay if they stay through Sunday...
They seem to have poor social skills

They do. They r missing social skills. The parents and kids. They r socially off completely. I never asked but I think she has aspergers and one kid gets a lot of services and is very off...

mummiedearest

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:01 am

next time they ask to come, ask them outright if they intend to stay until sunday. let them know that you expect them friday afternoon.

as for breakfast, if their kid didn't want the standard (cereal and milk?), I would tell him to go tell his parents he needs help with breakfast. you have no obligation to provide anything else. if you have something easy to provide, like yogurt, you can offer it.

as for raiding the pantry, tell their son that he has to ask before taking anything. this is the rule of the house and it needs to be followed. repeat as necessary.

allthingsblue

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:04 am

amother wrote:

They do. They r missing social skills. The parents and kids. They r socially off completely. I never asked but I think she has aspergers and one kid gets a lot of services and is very off...

Well in that case, this whole scenario becomes "normal" in the sense that it is not unexpected for this specific couple to behave that way. Your whole post, asking others if this happens to them and what they would do and whether they would be annoyed, is put into a new light!
If your guest has a hard time picking up social cues, I would be very direct with my needs and no, I wouldn't be annoyed if they asked me about plans on motzoei shabbos, because I'd know that the guest is unaware of social etiquette and I would just say no.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:06 am

It seems to me from the very beginning of this "favor", you were resentful. RIGHTFULLY SO!! You seem to be busy with your family that you don't have time or energy to host them.

They have no clue about your feelings because obviously you are "putting on a good mask". Some people are the type who ask others to have them over and think others dont mind if they stay a few days....to me, this doesn't mean they are socially awkward, they are just different from you.

Personally, I would never ask people to host me because I am too,busy with my kids/spouse to host others but that's just me. My relatives ask to come. I say no. They get upset, but I'm the one taking care of my family, too bad.

I am not criticizing you at all. I'm commiserating with you. But, if you are going to feel so stressed, next time say no! Just like you told them they can't cone Thurs night!

imasinger

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:14 am

You will have to do the executive functioning for them.

"We'd be delighted to have you visit! We have plans after Shabbos, though, so it would be easiest for us if you plan to leave by 7 pm."

This might be rude for your average person, but is actually a kindness for someone who doesn't pick up on cues. They'd far rather have the limits spelled out up front than be in the situation where they got someone annoyed and didn't see it coming.

Similarly, "If little Ploni wakes up before you, we have cereal and milk for breakfast. Will that be OK?"

And now that you know, hide the nosh after Shabbos.

essie14

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 11:37 am

imasinger wrote:

Exactly. If they or anyone else wants to come again, you have to set very clear directions, as imasinger has said.
I have done this many times.