Parenting teenagers. Does it get better or worse?

sneakermom

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 11:36 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Hug

It's important to keep in mind that she wasn't taking advantage of the fact that you were out of it. It's very likely that she was suffering in her own way. In response to the loss and your sadness.

Somebody mentioned this and it was also in a different thread. That our personal egos are often quite self righteous. So our horror to a child's acting out is more about our personal interests and pride than anything else.

If we put our ego's aside, and truly accept the child, hear the child out, learn what's driving that child and simply love them.

And yes, you could express your own personal view on things. Just to put it out there. But without pushing it on the child. Without judgement.

Then you might find that your teen will be content. Happy. Free to search for herself. And stay close to you at the same time!

What more can a child need?

gold21

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 12:12 am

amother wrote:

And if the teen does call a mother or any other person stupid, then what?

A few questions to ponder:
Are you so certain you can enforce this ''rule'' on a teenager? Why do you have a need to get your teen to never call you stupid? seriously, why? When you dig deep, and get to the bottom of it, I'd be interested to hear what you find.

Coming to a teen with this 'tude of ''you CANNOT and MAY NOT call me stupid'', just feels off to me. Maybe it's the one-up-man-ship. Maybe it's the unilateral nature of it. Maybe it's that it may bring about a temporary change, and not a permanent change.

Another question I have is this: do you want your teen to listen to you from a place of obedience or from a place of mutual care?

Cuz you're not supposed to call anyone stupid. That's why. It's rude and disrespectful.

I want my child to listen to me from a place of MUTUAL respect. No, not obedience. Just basic respect.

I put a lot of effort into my role as a parent, and I think it's okay- more than okay- to expect to be treated with basic decency.

I mean, would you call your child stupid? Why or why not? Probably not, cuz it's hurtful.

I don't have teenagers yet, but I do believe in teaching kids to be respectful of the people around them. It's just basic human decency.

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Mar 09 2017, 8:56 am; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 12:23 am

amother wrote:

I cringed when I read these lines. Here's why: I'm imagining being the child in this scenario. I express myself with anger/passion to my mother. I'm the child, she's the mother, so I expect she is here to take care of me, that she will understand where I'm coming from, and that in her understanding I will feel soothed and comforted. Instead, my mother makes it all about herself, saying how she's tearful/sad/hurtful, and I'm only a child, my shoulders aren't developed or broad enough to carry my mother's pain. To add to that, my mother walks away! This act in itself feels so painful to me. I have no clue yet at this point of my development that my mother is feeling pained. All I can see is that she is angry, and being a child, I'm the one personalizing it. I begin to feel I can't trust my mother to be my source of support. Such a relationship bet. parent and child is not healthy and does not model healthy relating for the developing teenager. imho.

The cycle of personalizing (taking things personally) is perpetuated in the above example.

Now, if my mother were to reach out her hands and hold my hands, while saying, ''dear child, I hear you and I want to understand where you're coming from'' and later she'd take my hands ever so tenderly and say, ''honey, I would love to tell you how it was for me to hear you say abc. Are you up for hearing how it was for me?'' If my child has been sufficiently heard and supported in her tantrum, she may be ok to hear me, at which point I might say, ''y'know, when you said abc, I felt so sad because your tone of voice felt harsh to me. I know you didn't mean to hurt me at all, so I'm not blaming you. I'm just sharing how it was for me. I'm wondering if we can figure out a way that you can tell me what's going on for you in a way that is sensitive to my sensitivities''. (As an example, with one of my children/teens who is prone to outbursts, we have a mutual agreement that she will express those outbursts to me in an email or text. I take full ownership of my sensitivity to her tone . It is not that she is doing anything wrong, it's just that my nervous system hasn't yet healed from my own mother's tone of voice)

So you take full ownership of your sensitivity to her tone, but she is not expected to modify her tone so as to be more sensitive?

You're saying the achrayus is entirely on you, and the child has no achrayus. I don't agree.

I think it's a two way street. MUTUAL respect is key. You respect your kids needs and they respect yours.

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Mar 09 2017, 9:27 am; edited 2 times in total

5*Mom

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 2:06 am

amother wrote:

She was upset at us last night and ran out of the house in the dark. She later called to tell us where she was - I was already driving around the neighborhood looking for her. So when I got the call, I went there and brought her home. We talked, she apologized profusely. But first, when I said she cannot leave the house when it is dark outside, no matter how upset she is. She said "you expect me not to leave when I am mad?" she said this with a lot of attitude and spunk. We said she can calm down somewhere at home. She did apologize for worrying us and hugged me and cried. Today, she was late coming home from school. My husband asked her where she was. She said "what, you don't trust me?" with a lot of attitude. I told her that we are her parents and we can ask her where she was and we always did that and she couldn't go out tonight because she spoke like that. She is acting fine now. She agrees that the consequence makes sense. But she has been like this for months and it is getting worse.

OP, when you posted this I had a feeling there was a lot more under the surface. Then you posted this:

amother wrote:

We are still healing from something that happened this summer. I was grieving and healing from a stillbirth and we just found out a month or two ago that she had taken advantage of my being spacy and went and got mildly physical with a neighborhood boy. We are yeshivish and she knew we did not approve. She lied to us about where she had been certain days and we had no idea til it came out a month or two ago.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

It sounds to me like she feel pretty bad about herself, possibly guilt or shame over what she did, especially at a time of loss and grief for you. She may have done more, or more times, than she revealed to you and that would eat at her and cause this extra friction and attitude between you. I don't think it's quite over for your daughter. Would you consider seeing a therapist together, to work on your relationship? It can gently be brought up in therapy to see what may still be there for her.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 8:51 am

amother wrote:

What chutzpah you have to ask me for examples, when I asked you first Exploding anger

That was said in jest :-)

I am happy to give examples, though because I've completely lost my connection to the word ''chutzpah'' it is hard for me to rememeber what chutzpah is, and even harder to come up with examples.

Would you be able to write an example (or more than one) of something a child says that is chutzpadig, and I can work backwards from there?

I don't have teenagers yet Wink

. That's not to say there's no chutzpa, but not of the teenager variety. I am interested in hearing for the future though, we are almost there.

observer

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 8:59 am

amother wrote:

I don't think it's unilateral at all. I don't think it's ok to call any family member stupid. I would never call my child such a derogatory term. It's in all directions.

gold21

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 9:31 am

Chayalle wrote:

Or very bright 9 year olds who are on the fast track to acting like teenagers.

I'm really gaining alot from this thread. Thank you dodgerblue amother. I needed a reminder of the stage my daughter is at, and how to be a safe place for her to express herself.

I'd like to think that I'm a safe place for my kids to express themselves... and they don't call me stupid. They share their concerns with me, shmooze with me... But they have never called me stupid. (Yet. Lol.)

Yes, I have had 2, 3, 4 year olds, etc, call me stupid. But they're babies. It's age appropriate behavior. I refer to older kids when I say it's not acceptable to call someone stupid.

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:02 am; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 9:39 am

gold21 wrote:

Mine haven't either (yet). Though many years ago, when DD was like 5, she threatened to throw me in the lake (I live close to one....) I asked her who will make supper, and she changed her mind. I think not taking it personally deflected a situation that could potentially have become an incident, but didn't.

My youngest has a strong personality....and is not always respectful in her tone. I need to remember that she's expressing herself, and to stay calm about it. Dodgerblue's advice here would really work well with her, I think.

Just yesterday we were shmoozing about a book she's reading and she asked me why someone wouldn't listen to a grownup when obviously it's in their best interest (interesting question coming from a kid who has a mind of her own!) I said maybe it feels good to them to be independent....and she was in a very thoughtful mood after that....

Violet123

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 9:39 am

Each kid is different. Each family is different. The most important thing in my opinion is to show them love and that you care about them and what they need/want even if you disagree. You don't have to give everything but try to understand them. My kids would probably laugh if they read this cuz I'm not always good at it. My oldest son tells me he taught me a lot. Which is definitely true.
It's not always easy but I think kids sense if you're trying or just don't care.
And each day you learn anew.

And it's very important to consult with people who are understanding to this generation's struggles

gold21

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 9:53 am

Chayalle wrote:

Lol, OK, gotcha. Tongue Out

By the way, my preschooler calls me stupid sometimes. But at such a young age, I don't even bother responding to it. Babies will be babies. Doesn't bother me.

Come to think of it, my older kids used to hit me when they were like 2, 3..... Lol. Whatever. Didn't bother me. They were babies.

When kids are elementary school/ middle school age, they have the capacity to be respectful of people around them, and at that age, I imagine I would not be okay with being called stupid. Again, they have never called me stupid (yet...). I dunno.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:02 am

gold21 wrote:

Lol, OK, gotcha. Tongue Out

When kids are elementary school/ middle school age, they have the capacity to be respectful of people around them, and at that age, I imagine I would not be okay with being called stupid. Again, they have never called me stupid (yet...). I dunno.

I think my kids have called a situation stupid...but not me.

I also think alot also depends on what's going on with the child.

For example, my teens don't always like my taste in clothing. They get to choose their own clothes, but I get to choose my 9-year-old's clothes (she doesn't care about clothes yet). I once bought her an outfit and my teen made a certain comment about it. I let her know she will have her turn to dress her children B"EH, and now it's my turn, and the comment was rather rude. She apologized.

I think it's more of an issue when the comment is a heated one. Then you have to know if it's worth it to respond to the comment/tone, or rather take the time then to understand what the child is going thru and where the comment is coming from.

If my child would tell me I'm stupid, then it's likely that right then and there it's not a teachable moment. I would first try to understand what the child is trying to tell me. Perhaps later on when things calm down, I might discuss choosing more respectful language.