Favoring some adult married children over others

Maryann

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 5:11 pm

I totally understand you, you sound like a really good mother, this is very tricky I'll be following...
Just want to say this is basically what happening in my in laws family, and this pushed us to move, bh I moved overseas and we are much happier
All I'm saying is that it caused major shalom bayis issues

pause

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 5:20 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Of course its fine!

What if one child (or his spouse) loses his job, and needs some money to tide him over, feed the kids, pay the mortgage. Are the parents obligated to give all of the kids the same money, even if they're doing fine?

Another kid is divorced, and struggling emotionally. Maybe the parents invite her over more often, or offer to babysit more often.

Everyone knows that you'll try to help if they need it, but you hope they don't ever need it.

And that leaves aside the giant bugaboo of which kid does more. One daughter does the parents' marketing, cooks and has them for every chag and Shabbat, takes them to all their appointments, and goes over 4 times a week to check on them. The other kids occasionally fill in, call a couple of times a week, and visit twice a month.

I want to respond specifically to the bolded.

What if the kids don't know for sure that the parents will help when they need it? What if the parents are busy with providing for other children (who may be less needy right now) so they can't actually do it all?

What if the parents know that a child needs help but they don't realize to what extent the situation is dire, even after being told?

What if they think child A is capable of pulling him/herself out of the black hole but, at the same time, they don't think child B is capable so they help only child B? What if child B is actually incapable because s/he *always* has been incapable, at least in the eyes of the parents?

Is it ok for parents to make such cheshbonos?

amother

Magenta

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:57 pm

Wow, op you sound really loving to be thinking about this. I'm saying this BC my in laws are unfair they favor others over us.

I do understand if they give more money to sibilings who have less EXCEPT WHEN ITS FOR SOMEONE WHO IS NOT WORKING that is unfair BC I want to stop working too!! My mil especially thinks we have a lot of money BC of my job but we have no money for extras like hired help, vacation, second car ...I can't even afford to drive to work everyday or send my kids to camp BC many ppl. With higher incomes are also paying much much higher tuition!!

If my siblings in law were struggling so much how do they send their kid to camp have hired help,...have all the extras??
So yes I'm jealous BC I'm working and they don't even if they are struggling. I wish I didn't have to work too.

But at the end of the day" you the parent gets to decide, its your money!!!
And, sibilings may get hurt about favoritism but they don't know all your reasons. You have a right to decide!!

Even though I'm jealous, I know that I have to accept the truth which is that
Hashem will send me the money im supposed to get. He obviously doesn't want us to get the money if my mil is giving it to others.

However it is upsetting that my mil thinks we are rich and doesn't love us the same (even without the money issue).

My parents give ALL their CHILDREN THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR PESACH OR SUCCOS ETC.they are fair but I would understand if my parents gave more for my sibiling who is struggling. However maybe with my mil I'm more upset BC she doesn't show love towards us at all, even not counting the money.

Just giving you a perspective from the children.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 9:58 pm

I think it's somewhat typical for parents to give more to the bigger kvetch (the squeaky wheel) but I don't think you can really blame them.

I'm not a complainer or a "taker" and as a result definitely get less from my in laws (to a much lesser extent my parents as well).

I always tell myself a) how can I blame them if I don't share with them what/how much I need and b) bH I'm not a taker by nature and am viewed as (and for the most part am) a competent person. Would I rather be the person who obviously can't cope? The answer is no!

amother

Blue

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 10:32 pm

I'm curious how other posters know what their in laws give their other siblings?
I posted earlier that my in laws give everyone gifts for yom tov (I think). I have no clue if we got more or less or who else got.
I don't know if she gives them baby presents, loans, birthday presents or anything else. I don't know who was supported or for how long. And we are a very close family that has a family teleconference nightly and talk individually daily. Do siblings talk and compare about things? Do the in laws tell you - I'm just curious how this information gets shared and compared.
If everyone kept their mouths shut wouldn't most situations be a lot less of an issue - some things are obvious like babysitting - but money and gifts should be kept private.
I tell my kids when they get birthday money not to tell their friends because they may feel bad because I don't know if anyone gives them. Shouldn't adults behave the same?

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 10:38 pm

I totally understand what op is saying. My parents do favor some kids. And I know it. After complaining to my mother she realized I was right. She's a lot more careful at this point.

Hey she wasn't nice to me all these years it's kind of late at this point.

She would need to do a lot to make me feel loved.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 10:49 pm

I completely agree with Blue another.
The best policy for dealing with this is to not talk about what you are giving and getting! It is impossible to be 100% percent fair. And we all have a tendency to think that we are getting the worst end of the deal (e.g. most people think that they are not the favorite child).

I personally received substantial help from my parents at the beginning of my marriage when I was in graduate school and had a young child. This included financial assistance as well as a lot of babysitting. During this time, I was careful to not discuss the help from my parents with my siblings. I am not a secretive person, and I am very close with my siblings, but I would not casually say something like "I just picked up baby from mommy's house." And my siblings did not flaunt their help either.

My in-laws have several children that are less well-off than we are, mostly due to learning long term and having many children close together. I assume that my in-laws are helping their kids as much as they can, but I honestly have no idea what that entails, and I would never ask anyone and no one talks about it. We are not busy comparing how much help everyone gets because WE DON'T KNOW!

So my advice to anyone giving to kids or receiving from parents is to do it quietly and discreetly. And everyone would be a lot happier if we stopped thinking about what goes on in others' lives.

notshanarishona

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 10:52 pm

Sometimes there is a legit reason I.e. one is really struggling with a big issue, or needs the extra pick me up.All things being equal, I think parents should do equally for each child.
Sometimes it boils down to practicality.
Just as an example, the child who has one child is easier to babysit for then then one who has 5.

amother

Peach

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:00 pm

amother wrote:

I completely agree with Blue another.
The best policy for dealing with this is to not talk about what you are giving and getting!

So my advice to anyone giving to kids or receiving from parents is to do it quietly and discreetly. And everyone would be a lot happier if we stopped thinking about what goes on in others' lives.

I try to tell my kids (who are still children) that what others get is irrelevant. When they say "can I have x, he had one" I always say ' what he got is irrelevant. There are rich people who have 100x as much, and poor who have nothing. It's not important. What do YOU need? What do YOU want? If you more food because you are hungry, you can have what you want. But don't ask "because he got some". It's of no consequence.

pause

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:30 pm

amother wrote:

Did you notice that most examples I gave were things that people see and know? You can't keep quiet about who's getting babysitting help, being invited for YT, or coming over for suppers.

I agree that money and gifts should be kept private by children but sometimes parents/in-laws share that information. And sometimes tactless children mention it too. If you think it's wrong to share that information, doesn't that mean there's something inherently wrong with the idea?

pause

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:32 pm

amother wrote:

Wow! I commend you for being so sensitive. Most people DO tend to share such random information without realizing the hurt it may cause to others.

pause

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:36 pm

amother wrote:

Great! That works fine when you have enough food... What if you ran out of food because another child had triples, and now the kid who didn't have doubles yet is seriously hungry. Fair?

The situations I presented are where the needs of one child must override the needs of the other. Most parents don't have an endless supply of time, energy, and money, and so they need to prioritize.

pause

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:37 pm

amother wrote:

I think it's somewhat typical for parents to give more to the bigger kvetch (the squeaky wheel) but I don't think you can really blame them. I'm not a complainer or a "taker" and as a result definitely get less from my in laws (to a much lesser extent my parents as well) but I always tell myself a) how can I blame them if I don't share with them what/how much I need and b) bH I'm not a taker by nature and am viewed as (and for the most part am) a competent person. Would I rather be the person who obviously can't cope? The answer is no!

You have a fantastic attitude!

newmom1987

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 10:02 am

My parents (and grandparents) are/were very generous, and also meticulous about fair and even treatment. My parents definitely learned it from my grandparents.
I think this kind of fairness is actually pretty unusual. Some children need more than others, for all of the reasons you stated. And as they say "who's counting?"

amother

Khaki

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 10:46 am

I'm beginning to appreciate how fair my in laws are! they equally don't give to anyone! no fights or hard feelings more than the next sibling! we all feel equally bad that they are stingy and selfish and don't give a dollar ever. we have such a strained relationship because they are scared to get too close, lest they find out we need help. I don't expect any money from them but they lose out on having a relationship because they think they may have to give. sad. I feel sorry for them.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:05 am

amother wrote:

Sounds like there's more to your story then your letting on. You say your in laws don't want to get close to you as there grandchildren. The reason is because then they will find out (you will tell them?) You need money and since they don't want to give, they just avoid it entirely. Is there more going on here? Have you ever asked them for money? Have they ever given you money?

amother

Tan

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:08 am

amother wrote:

Some people have no tact. My mil tells me all the time that the kallah bracelet she bought for her other dil, was double the price of mine. shock

amother

Babypink

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:10 am

As a married child with married siblings it sometimes is hard to not compare. About some things it's easy to waive away based off of local vs OOT or differing needs. I don't begrudge any of them for those things as I know we each get based off of needs/practicality (the local one gets physical goods, the OOT get checks etc). But we all took out student loans for college with the agreement that our parents will pay it off. Now we are getting hints that it is time to take over the loan. Yes it is in my name and I am responsible in the end for it but I only took it out with that agreement! To get to my point: my siblings aren't being told this as we are the only ones "working". But we can't afford it now- hopefully one day. Underemployed due to no fault of ours... But it is painful to be told this repeatedly.
Is it fair to make one couple pay back and not the others when the Kollel couples will likely never be able to pay it back? And will never be pressured to? We might one day but not now!