Favoring some adult married children over others

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:31 am

I'm curious if in the majority of cases where there is tension over when parents favor/give differently to their children if any of the parties have dysfunctional relationships? (I'm defining 'dysfunction' as anything less than open communication, where the child is comfortable asking about the favoritism and the parent is comfortable with explaining.)

The cases in my extended family where I know the money is given in different magnitudes are ones where either a) one child has a spending problem and so the parents refuse to give any money in order to teach responsibility or b) a child decided to pursue a life in kollel, fast forward 30 years and now can't afford to pay for his children's chasunas. The parents give substantially more to their other children, but there is a feeling of bitterness when they do- they warned this child that there would not be enough money later in life.

I don't think all children need to receive the same amount for things to be 'fair'. But money is a touchy subject and unless there is open communication it is easy to see how it can affect relationships between parent and child and sibling to sibling.

pause

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 3:59 pm

amother wrote:

Why is open communication the solution? On the contrary, I can see that making matters worse! "Ma, how come you bought Sury's son shoes but you didn't buy for my Gittele?" or "I'm just trying to be open and honest here: It really hurts me that when I asked you if Ruchy can babysit you said no, but then you let her go babysit for Rivky. Is there a reason?"

Really? Do you think this is better than resentment?

This is complaining, making demands, acting entitled, and in general immature. If you think it, at least don't say it!

gold21

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 5:28 pm

Question: surely not everyone can rely on parents for backup financially- I'm sure there are parents that don't give financial assistance altogether- right? This thread is making it sound like everyone has parents contributing financially, and it's just a matter of who gets what. The truth is that I'm sure there are young families who, even if they do need financial help, don't receive any. Just wanted to put that out there. Tongue Out

pause

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 6:00 pm

gold21 wrote:

Right. I know many such people. But, still, if parents are regular, normal (and I'm learning that to everyone that's something else Smile

), they like to give to their kids. If they can't give financially, they might still help out in many other ways ex: babysitting, invitations for Shabbas/YT, send over supper, send single siblings as an extra pair of hands, small (cheap) gifts, etc.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 7:24 pm

My siblings and I joke that when it comes to helping out her kids, my mother distributes her resources (time, money, helping hand, meal invitations) on a "sliding scale" based on level of need. So this month sister #2 is the biggest "case" because her baby is teething and she is nebech so exhausted. Last month brother #4 needed the most help because he twisted his ankle, so my younger sister went to help out his wife. Etc...

We know it's not a matter of loving some more than others, but of being in tune with our needs. Of course we don't always agree with her "triage" assessments, but it's a source of amusement rather than resentment.

pause

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

How? Why? Can you share the formula that results in this?

amother

Peach

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 7:59 pm

pause wrote:

How? Why? Can you share the formula that results in this?

Maybe her parents trained then from when they were small they she ask for what THEY need, and what others received is irrelevant. As I said before. And to answer your earlier question, I would not give one child 3x as much food if there was not enough left for everyone else. But just because a 15yo gets a larger plate of food, doesn't mean that the 7yo needs the same. It's about giving kids what they need rather than being all equal about it. Hashem is not equal either- he gives each neshama exactly what it NEEDS.

pause

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 8:06 pm

amother wrote:

I'm getting a bit frustrated by your emphasis on equal. I did NOT say equal. I'm talking about fair. How can a parent be fair and know what each child needs most then?

amother

Peach

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 8:18 pm

Maybe I missed it but have you explained your situation yet on this thread?

Look- Hashem gives us everything we have. Some of us get $ from working, others from family, others from tzeddaka
But we all get exactly what we need. Even if we don't realise it. If you understand that you DO have exactly what you need, and have received it from exactly the right source, the fact that others experience life differently will not concern you

pause

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 8:34 pm

amother wrote:

I guess I assume that most parents do what THEY THINK is fair.

So now we're back to my OP. Is it ok if parents think it's fair to always give to one child (the one who complains the most who learned how to pull the parents' heartstrings) while other children might actually be struggling more? The parents will dismiss the needs of the other child/ren because they think the one child is soooooooooooooo needy or that the other child/ren have more helpful in-laws or the other child/ren were always better in life so they'll figure this out too or WHATEVER reason they decide, is that ok?

33055

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 9:42 pm

pause wrote:

It is ok because it is their money.

amother

Blue

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 11:40 am

amother wrote:

Some people have no tact. My mil tells me all the time that the kallah bracelet she bought for her other dil, was double the price of mine. shock

amother wrote:

Maybe she meant the price of gold or gemstones went up that much since she bought yours?

This is possible. My MIL says that my candlesticks were a few hundred more then others. A grandmother sponsors all the daughter and daughter in law candlesticks - she gives a set amount for each child. We all got married over a 25 year span. Silver went up a ton in that time period. I know my MIL added on a lot of money to the amount the grandmother gave.

Or my mother bought one daughter in law a silver leichter tray when silver was cheap. But the next one a few short years later the candlesticks probably cost as much as the whole package of the first so she only got the candlesticks.

Gold went up a ton in a few years so it does make sense - you were able to get a ton more for your money earlier.

33055

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 12:07 pm

Pause,

It sounds like you are the wheel that is not squeaking, and you think automatically you should get equal to the one that squeaks.

The problem with that is the parents would have to multiply what they do for one child by the number of kids they have.

I have some scenarios for you.

What happens if one child has no need for the money? Should the parents still be stressed providing equally for all?

What happens if dividing the money up results in not having enough to solve the problem?

Should the caretaker child get more financially over the other children?

What happens if one child thinks the other child's need is utterly ridiculous, and it is more of a want than a need? Should the parents fund this?

What happens if the parents want to compensate one child for a perceived weakness that child has?

SixOfWands

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 12:26 pm

Squishy wrote:

Or ...

There are 4 kids.

Kid 1 gets by. Not living in the lap of luxury, but OK.

Kid 2 has some real issues. Long term unemployment, kids with special needs, depression. Needs help keeping the electricity on.

Kid 3 also has a lot of problems, but doesn't want his siblings to know about it. His hours at work and salary were just cut, wife has some serious health issues she doesn't want known. Meds are expensive. But Kid 3 and Wife 3 have shared this with Parents, please don't tell my siblings

Kid 4 suffers in silence. "Everything is great, mom!" She doesn't want her parents to know the 93 things that are really bad.

Parents have $200 a month to help kids. So they split it between Kid 2 and Kid 3. Because these are the issues they know about. The other kids might think its unfair, but they just have to trust their parents. And Kid 4 can't expect anyone to guess that she needs help, or that she'll be given things to the detriment of siblings who are known to actually need it.

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 12:38 pm

Squishy I disagree.

The non squeaking wheel might also be in need of maintenance just like the squeaking wheel.....

The way to see that is by haveing a connection with your children.

My dh comes from a family of 11 siblings.
His father had a part of his private notepad, where he noted to himeslf of the things he sees his kids need help with. He has helped them often hinself with wjat he could, (NOT equally) but for the things he couldn't change, he would keep it with him and daven for them.

Most of these things were not things his kids "told" him. He had a connection with his children and he picked up on it.
And when his children came asking for help he was always trying to the best of his ability.

Non of his kids are the "lazy and let someone else do the work" kind of poeple.

His children will only ask for help if there was no food. Or stuff like that.

pause

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 1:47 pm

Squishy wrote:

Can you get this out of your head (and out of my mouth)? NOT EQUALLY!!!

Compensation for a perceived weakness is veeeeeeeeery tricky because sometimes the perception is skewed by years and years of negative affirmations. I mentioned this in passing in an earlier post: What makes something a weakness? Fore example, there's someone who is lazy while the parents see the same person as incapable (and needing help). Or someone who is overwhelmed while the parent sees the same person as competent (and not needing help). A lot of perception is based on history of how that person has performed in the past. It's hard for parents to see beyond the picture they've always known.