For those in small Israeli cities (maybe also bungalow colon

amother

Beige

Mon, Apr 17 2017, 5:54 pm

Do you let your kids play outside by themselves? From what age? How far from the house can they go? For how long can they play outside before you check on them or they need to come home? Can they just go to friends houses by themselves? What do others around you do?

This issue is giving me serious anxiety, to the point I'm probably going to go to therapy. Someone once told me they feel I don't watch my kids and I have since become almost neurotic because I don't want anyone to tell me that again. However, my kids are extremely independent, love playing outside (if it was up to them they would eat, sleep, and live outside), and love playing with friends. We have tonz of toys, I sit and play with them, and we have a very positive atmosphere at home but when push comes to shove they want to play outside, always, and I am constantly saying "no". I do go outside a lot with them but its never enough! Also the back of my house is a huge park and my rule is no going to the park but their friends do and they have a hard time being the ones who have to stay in the front.

What do you let your kids do?

Marion

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 12:01 am

What's your definition of "small city"? I let my 11, 9, and almost 7 year old out by themselves, and the 4.5 year old can go out with them if they stay where I can see them. 11 year old is very independent; gets to/from school via public transit. 9 year old is very independent; he was ecstatic he could finally cross the street himself; current debate in this house is "how far is too far to go by himself by bike?" He certainly walks to/from friends' homes, school, bnei akiva himself.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 1:21 am

I don't live in a small town. I live someplace more like a large suburb. My ten-year-old rides public transport by himself to and from school. And walks alone pretty much anywhere he can walk to, even if it's half an hour away. Preschoolers need to be with a responsible older sibling. My teenagers are as independent as they are comfortable with. 17 has been crisscrossing the country by bus and bike for a few years now. I don't think I'm a bad parent. I think my kids learn to be independent and interact with the world.

salt

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 1:36 am

We live in a quiet neighborhood of Jerusalem.

We have a playground outside our apartment. I let my kids go and play there without me (6, 8, 11) - the 6 yr old doesn't go by herself.

The 11 yr old goes to friends alone, in the neighborhood. The 8 yr old goes to friends where he doesn't have to cross roads. The 6 yr old I take to friends.

What are you nervous about?
Crossing roads, falling over and hurting themselves, being manipulated by strangers, getting lost, what's your main worry?
Could they take a mobile phone with them?

LisaS

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 1:39 am

I live in a small community. From age 3-6 they can go anywhere in our cul-de-sac on their own. From age 6-8 and up they can go anywhere on they yishuv on their own, but they have to ask permission to leave the cul-de-sac. 11 year old has a curfew of 7:30pm - until then he doesn't need to ask permission to leave home. He has "yeshivat erev" from 7-7:30 so he usually will leave whichever friend he was at in time to make it to yeshivat erev, and then back home at 7:30 for supper.

Follow your gut feeling on what is right for the safety and happiness of your children. Don't worry about what other imamother families do. This is so individual based on personalities of kids, neighboring families, etc.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 3:35 am

OP, I strongly suggest you read the blog "Free Range Kids". It's based in America, but the author has good advice for everyone. She talks a lot about how to teach your kids safety, without being paranoid. She also discusses real life statistics, and puts your fears into perspective.

For example, did you know that every year more kids get killed in supermarket parking lots, by people who are intent on finding that perfect space, than by being left in the car? Yep, taking your kids with you into the store is more dangerous!

The chance of your kid being abducted by a stranger is about the same chance as them getting struck by lightning.

Going anywhere in a car is infinitely more dangerous than playing in the park. Think about how many children are killed in road accidents every year, vs. how many are killed in parks. Can you name one time a kid was killed in a park, without Googling it?

Give the oldest kid a cell phone, and have them check in with you. Make sure the kids know to stay together. Teach them to identify odd behavior. They should be allowed to talk to strangers, but never go anywhere with them. You never know, a stranger might save their life some day, but if they're afraid to ask for help...

Playing outside is wonderful. Not only is it good exercise, but it provides a million learning opportunities that they'll never get indoors. It also encourages problem solving, conflict resolution with other kids, and an appreciation of G-d's wonderful creations.

When childhood obesity and diabetes is at an all time high, getting outdoors is the healthiest thing you can do for your kids. Not to mention, sunlight creates vitamin D, which helps create strong bones, a strong immune system, fights depression, and can even prevent the development of MS later in life.

Now get those kids out of the house!

chanchy123

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 4:37 am

I live in a VERY small yishuv. My youngest who is almost five can go to friends a couple houses down from us but not farther on her own. She must ask permission and she may not go farther than a very specific area without supervision (an older sibling or friend's parents is enough). She is very cautious and independent. My older children (7-12) can go wherever they like on the yishuv but must let someone in the house (one of the older siblings a parent) know where they are going. When my kids where under four/four and a half they could go to next door neighbors or neighbors down the street that did not require crossing streets.
We do not have sidewalks - otherwise I would allow almost five year old DD go further down the block. Our area has very few cars cross by and the ones that do are veeery slow and conscious of children who run into the road (DD is not a dreamer and knows to step to the side when a car comes anywhere near her) but when there is construction done nearby I don't let my youngest cross the street on her own because there are trucks zipping by.

heidi

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 5:33 am

I just came back from Pesach in a hotel. DH was marveling how nice it is that the kids are all old enough to run around and be independent. All my relatives kept telling me to leave my seven year old son alone-- he found a friend and is having a good time. I kept insisting that I have to check on him- and one time found him being yelled at and threatened by an older man (the man was developmentally disabled and should have had someone keeping an eye on him!!)
Please be aware that you are your childrens' advocates and you need to watch them and having an 11 year old watch them is NOT the same thing.

chanchy123

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 5:54 am

heidi wrote:

and one time found him being yelled at and threatened by an older man (the man was developmentally disabled and should have had someone keeping an eye on him!!).

I obviously have no idea what the story was but, I don't think having a seven year-old being yelled at by an adult is so terrible, especially if the person was not expected to be well-adjusted. It is certainly unpleasant, not something I would wish to happen to anyone, but being yelled at is part of life, and children need to learn to deal with life, as well-adjusted adults they will be forced to deal with unpleasantness. The fact that this person was as you put it "developmentally disabled" makes it a learning experience, they will understand that this is not normative behavior. It is unsettling but not dangerous.

I don't know what I would allow my seven year old do in a large hotel with many strangers and opportunities to get lost or injure oneself or be taken advantage of away from supervising eyes. I don't think there are any clear cut ground rules for all families, children, or situations. I think a lot of common sense needs to be employed and rules should should be tailor made to any particular child.

Aylat

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 8:36 am

Live on a small yishuv. 6-11 yr old are allowed to roam by themselves but need to let me know where they are going and to check in with me, in person or by phone, every 2 hrs. (Some kids are better than others at this.) 6 and 7 y.o are supposed to be home before dark. 3 y.o is allowed out only with an older sibling. How far depends on which sibling, eg with 11 y.o anywhere in the yishuv, with 6 y.o only in park next to our house where I can see from the window. I am more flexible about this last on Shabbat when there are no cars at all (dati yishuv).

My kids are very adventurous and I consciously work with them on thinking about safety and practising what they would do in different scenarios. When something happens, eg a kid got hurt or there was an interpersonal issue, we talk through afterwards what happened, whether it could have been prevented, how they responded and whether it was a good response. They all memorise our phone numbers as soon as they are able to. My 11 y.o DD babysits for me and has just started babysitting for other families and beH will take a first aid course at the next opportunity.

I love the independence they have and the opportunities it gives them.

DrMom

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 10:00 am

heidi wrote:

I wouldn't leave my 7-year old with another 7-yo in a strange place (a hotel) with no way to find me if he needed me.

But that's different from letting your 7-yo play outside with an older sibling in a park that is right next to your home while you are at home.

Iymnok

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 11:04 am

You have to institute rules. Since the park is just behind your house, you can presumably see a good part of it from your window, and your children can get there and back pretty quickly. So I would let school aged kids go to the park, under that with a (much) older sibling and the older child, x distance beyond the park. Come home before it starts to get dark (get them watches). Come home every 1/2 hour. To check in. No leaving the park.
And so on.
Teach them safety measures.
You need confidence in your parenting. There will always be someone who will tell you that you are negligent or overbearing. You can't please everyone m but you can do your absolute best, and know it!

Ruchel

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 6:35 pm

European suburb, like a city. I let my kids (ages under) go to the park in front of the building. Depending which, I may let a 2 or 3 year old go with an older (6?)) if s/he's obedient. I let my oldest go to the mall, the neighbourhood around alone or with second one. They can take a cell phone. I've seen much younger alone as well as much older cooped up. Same for home alone.

Aylat

Wed, Apr 19 2017, 8:13 am

Iymnok wrote:

You need confidence in your parenting. There will always be someone who will tell you that you are negligent or overbearing. You can't please everyone m but you can do your absolute best, and know it!

So much this! Something I'm working on in other parenting areas as well. Know yourself, your kids, your context. Take advice, reflect. And then you (and DH) decide what's right for you and ignore all the critics.

amother

Beige

Wed, Apr 19 2017, 2:24 pm

Aylat wrote:

Thanks everyone!

Re: the above - your right. I think this is really what it comes down to for me. Thanks everyone for making me feel better about what I do!