Why does everyone say 'do whats best for you'?

yksraya

Fri, May 05 2017, 3:18 pm

marina wrote:

Well, yes. If you really think your PP health will be compromised if you stay at your mom's house, then you shouldn't go. In saying this, I'm imagining increased PPD or lower milk supply b/c of anxiety or increased bleeding b/c you have to be more physically active.

I'm not imagining someone who just says "yeah, I really like being in my own house and sleeping in my own bed and having some baby and mommy bonding time."

And what's wrong with just staying home??? The bolded is actually my reason for staying home.

Bh no one expects me to go anywhere else, but I gaurantee you, I would not cave in to anyone and stay home to recuperate and bond with baby.

My mil once offered to pay for me to stay at eishes chayil for a few days. I told her thanks for offering but it's really not for me and I like to stay home. She was not offended at all and gave me money instead to buy something for baby.

yksraya

Fri, May 05 2017, 3:28 pm

Fox wrote:

Okay, speaking of balance, I'm going to have to take a deep breath here.

This thread has obviously hit a very personal nerve for you, and I'm sorry if what I said seemed insensitive. I did not make up the example, and it was unclear to me whether it was based on a previous thread or simply created for purposes of discussion.

That said, you're not being honest. No one -- absolutely no one -- has said that there is "NEVER an excuse" to make your mother unhappy. In fact, I and several other posters have specifically and repeatedly said that there are always going to be situations in which doing the appropriate thing will hurt someone's feelings.

Your characterization of my "errand baby" is very unfair and needlessly hurtful. You neglected to mention that I also had a very difficult delivery that left me more-or-less incapacitated for weeks. I guess that didn't count in your eyes. My point was that even one person can have wildly different experiences and that we can't make generalizations.

Honestly, I think people are overreacting. Postpartum women are in general perfectly capable of weighing their own needs against the desires of others -- as are people facing all kinds of situations that are quite frankly a lot more traumatizing than even a difficult birth. In your case, you weighed both sides, sought advice, and made the right decision. No one is claiming you personally were wrong. Suggesting that people balance their own desires against those of their loved ones doesn't constitute an attack.

Actually she "personally" did get attacked by OP.

Fox

Fri, May 05 2017, 4:05 pm

yksraya wrote:

Actually she "personally" did get attacked by OP.

Actually, the OP used a particular situation as an example. And what could have been a conversation in which we exchanged views on achieving a balance between caring for ourselves and accommodating others was hijacked simply because of one example. I, for one, tried to introduce a different example -- and received a snarky response because my example had nothing to do with postpartum. Um, yeah. That was the point . . .

This thread is in the "Interesting Discussions" category. Apparently some of us made the mistake of wanting to have . . . an interesting discussion.

allthingsblue

Fri, May 05 2017, 4:17 pm

Fox wrote:

That's not what happened.
Read the op. There's nothing in there about postpartum women going to their mothers.
I mentioned my story as an example of sometimes when you just can't please everyone, and op jumped on my example and said "THIS is exactly what I meant!" and proceeded to judge me (although she hates to judge).

Fox

Fri, May 05 2017, 4:29 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Right. She jumped on the example you provided anonymously.

And then everyone went crazy.

And the posters who wanted an "interesting discussion" got drowned out.

yksraya

Fri, May 05 2017, 5:07 pm

Fox wrote:

Right. She jumped on the example you provided anonymously.

And then everyone went crazy.

And the posters who wanted an "interesting discussion" got drowned out.

Many times, a thread gets hijacked and carried away from the original discussion. In this thread however, the OP carried it away and I can tell you it became a very "interesting discussion" in a very negative way. If OP thinks ppl should do what's kind to others as opposed to what is "more comfortable" to them, she herself should live that example before telling others to. Bashing and name calling, especially under amother, is not what I consider kind. Oy, just live and let live. Everyone should do "what's best for them"...

marina

Sun, May 07 2017, 2:15 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Yeah, I don't get it. You came into a thread about pleasing pple vs. doing what's best for you and you gave an example. Then we proceeded to discuss the example that YOU gave and we all have differing views. Why are you personally offended? You are the one who offered the example!

marina

Sun, May 07 2017, 2:18 am

amother wrote:

Going to agree that this thread is super triggering. Dh literally had to teach me to stand up for myself after marriage , to not be a shmattah to everyone because "what will ppl think", who cares what's good for me? I did go to my mother pp, bec I was longing for that loving caring environment, and boy did I regret it. Every single time.
Yes, I named a few children the obligatory names, until I said no no more. I will give names that are meaningful to me.
My mother had a fit, although a few yrs before when my mil did the same, my mother kept saying how the child who gives birth has the right to choose the name, not the grandparents.
And the most shocking thing is that I now cut my mother off. You know why? Because it was good for me. For my mind, my body, my soul, my marriage, for my kids. I did it to save my life.
Before you all jump on me, I grew up in an abusive home, fyi, and this decision was made with the advisement of mental health professionals.

We all made very clear that in unusual circumstances we wouldn't seek to be kind. Abuse, boa constrictors, etc. Of course you should sever ties if your mom is that toxic and you don't need anyone on an anonymous forum to validate that for you.

WhatFor

Sun, May 07 2017, 2:36 am

Ugh. This thread is one big nauseating virtue signal. Look at me! If I were a few days post partum and my mom wanted me to stay at her facilities that couldn't comfortably accommodate me at that time, when I had alternative comfortable arrangements I would go to my mother with my newborn just to make my mother happy! I'm not judging you if you wouldn't, but clearly you're selfish just like all the horrible selfish women of this generation.
Not like me. I am clearly way more moral than you are.
Puleeze.
Why a mother would care more what the neighbors would think than her daughter's comfort is beyond me. But maybe I'm not on the madreiga to understand because I don't bend myself into pretzels trying to please people.
I do what works for me. Color me selfish.

vicki

Sun, May 07 2017, 4:17 am

marina wrote:

personally for me it was the opposite. My mother came to my house the first time and I was not comfortable because I felt like the house had to be clean and food had to be made, etc. Second and third time I went to her house and just slept and was taken care of all day- it was great.

But if my mother wanted to come to my house and it was important to her and she would have been hurt the other way? Of course I'd have her over. And I don't even have a great relationship with her- she's kind of nuts.

Laughed at that twist in the plot.

amother

cornflower

Sun, May 07 2017, 9:00 am

WhatFor wrote:

As mentioned upthread, there's an entire world between "bend myself into a pretzel" and "I do what works for me."

amother

Cyan

Sun, May 07 2017, 9:57 am

What about a woman who has given birth and doesn't want her IL family to visit her in the hospital or the first few days at home. But her family (parents, sisters and brothers) are more than welcome.
Are the IL any less of family? They are grandparents the same way her parents are.

Do you tell her "do what's best for you - you can ban your ILs from visiting" or do you tell her that you're married and your DHs family is just as much family as hers, and she can be kind to her ILs and allow them to see their new grandchild?

singleagain

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:05 am

amother wrote:

The question here is WHY

Why does she not want IL
Why does she only want her family

What if IL will hog baby
What if IL live close by
What if IL has bad relationship

Ppl are not giving this "do best" advice without understanding reason...

All things being equal, prob would say IL have rights same... ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL

most of time ppl post for advice bc things are NOT equal all around and yet they feel bad if everyone won't get the same dessert... Well you know what... Some ppl are allergic to milk and can't have ice cream...

animeme

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:13 am

Cyan, particularly if this is a first baby, many women feel uncomfortable being seen and visited postpartum by people they didnt grow up with, even if they are now family. A father in law is not a father when your tichel is slipping against the pillow, you feel gross, and you can't fathom doing the whole restroom process while the in laws are there.

A nice compromise in such circumstances can be having the in laws visit the baby but not the mother, until she feels more like herself. It can be done this way in the hospital or at home.

amother

Emerald

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

There is usually a reason for this. My parents will stay tops 15 minutes. My in-law family will stay over an hour and in general have boundary issues. Two hour visits at the hospital is too much for me. I need to nurse. I'm not really dressed, it's just too much. And if you hint, they don't get it. And if you say it straight out, they don't get it. But again, they have a history of overstepping boundaries. If they would stay 10 minutes, of course I would be okay with that. But even if I tell them that, they don't listen. I will never forget when my mil came to "visit" me in the hospital and then proceeded to cough all over my newborn. She proclaimed," I just have a cough, it's not germs." Well, then my newborn DID get sick. My parents won't even hold a newborn if they suspect they have a cold. They don't put themselves first. That's the difference.

pause

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:41 am

amother wrote:

But most of the women on this thread would say, how dare you be unkind? Your newborn didn't get sick from that cough! And if they want to stay for another few minutes, why can't you extend yourself and make everyone feel welcome? It's not about doing what's best for you!
Exploding anger

yksraya

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:45 am

marina wrote:

She didn't just give an example. She gave her "personal" example. And it wasn't just "discussed", she "personally" was outright attacked for her choice.

Besides, even in OP's first post, she already came with a "my way or the highway" attitude, and gave a very wrong example where you "supposedly" should not do something your way, but do what others want of you. And that was baby naming.

So what is your opinion on the baby naming? Should a couple forgo their own right to name their baby just bec MIL wants the name to be after her great tanta shlumtza, but dad wants the name to go after his great great grandma whom no one in his family named after. And the couple hates both names and want to name after a rebetzin they both knew and had a great relationship with?

amother

Brunette

Sun, May 07 2017, 11:10 am

Since both sides of this argument seem to have strong opinions, maybe I'll just hijack this thread and get some free advice.
I had a baby two weeks ago, and my in laws live an hour away. They've already seen the baby 5 times, between visiting in the hospital (right after birth without asking first but that's another story), visiting multiple times etc.

Although my physical recovery is going well, I'm still getting used to the lack of sleep and managing my other rambunctious kids. I'm also battling super painful thrush, and can't even bear to wear a bra, plus dealing with all of the sterilization and treatment routines.

This week my very enmeshed mil invited herself to me for shabbos because she wanted to spend more time with the kids. I'm technically physically fine but this would exhaust me beyond belief. I said no. Does this make me unkind? I personally think it's a major lack of boundaries to ask in the first place, but wonder what others think.

And now for the question at hand. After another sleepless night, I collapsed now in the am to have my husband take over for a bit. I woke up just before to a text from my mil that she's on the way to my house. My baby just fell asleep, and I honestly don't know how to handle this. I'm lying here exhausted, bleeding nipples exposed, with a baby that *finally* fell asleep. Do I really need to summon superhuman strength to get dressed and entertain her? Do I need to wake up a sleeping baby so she can cuddle with her newest toy?

She also made plans and invited us out to eat at a local restaurant. Regardless of how I feel, I don't think a two week old baby should be going out to public eateries. (And I have no strength or patience for this AT ALL).

So, what should I do????? How much discomfort should I shoulder for her nachas and happiness? How should I handle her visit? Can I stay home with the baby and just send my husband and other kids to eat? How selfish does that make me? This is a real question. I'm honestly totally drained and don't know the right way to handle it.