Why does everyone say 'do whats best for you'?

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:02 pm

amother wrote:

THIS.
This poster who posted about staying with her MIL even though her mother was so hurt. THIS. Exactly.
I am trying so hard not to judge but why would it be ok to let your mother feel hurt? Why would you want to? Yes it is 'better' for you, 'easier' for you but you are not a mentch in my book. Sorry for judging you but that's the truth. Some things are hard - and its not always about what's best for you. Yes you just had a baby - but guess what, YOU are your mothers baby - and presuming you have a healthy relationship, why would you let her feel hurt??? When its in your control? Maybe your relationship is terrible, who knows, maybe she always plays the hurt card, who knows, but I bet you hope your own baby will be careful of your feelings in the future even if it is at odds of what's 'best' for her.

No - you are not your mother's baby when you are a postpartum adult. You are a person who is looking for a nice place to recover after having a baby. That poster found that spot at her in-laws. It sounds liker her mother had a busy household - with lots of her other 'babies' around.

amother

Linen

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:15 pm

So?
You are always your mothers baby. Giving birth yourself doesn't undo the fact that your mother gave birth to you and you are obliged to respect her because of it.
I get the 'needing to rest' after childbirth - but at what cost? Personally, I would not want my mothers feelings to be hurt and I am sure she would be bending over backwards all over the place to help me as much as possible, to keep my siblings quiet etc - whether the house was hopping or not. Plus, I would not want to shame her in front of her friends - as the poster said, it is the done thing to move into your mothers in her community.
But then again. That's me. I care about my mothers feelings. Who knows what her relationship is?
But I still stand by my initial point, regardless of her situation. Other people matter, not just our own happiness.
Suck it up.

yksraya

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:18 pm

A normal healthy mother does not "insist" her married DD stays at her home, no matter if it's the "done" thing or not. A normal healthy mother offers her hospitality without any demands and strings attached.

If the mother does insist and gets hurt, she is not healthy.

Ppl with unhealthy parents have other rules pertaining to kibbud eim. Their own health comes first. And if it's so hard for you to understand that, you should be thankful to hashem that you are not in the position to understand. And of course do not judge. It's better to get yourself a bit more openminded and understanding of others.

yksraya

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:24 pm

amother wrote:

Other ppl matter only and only if those ppl are not standing in the way of our happiness.

It seems like you have a mom that cares for you and you care for her. But "surprise surprise" many ppl have moms who didn't treat their kids as "their baby". They hurt their own kids to an extend that you really really don't want to know and you would be traumatized if you knew. So stop being so judgmental. It's not "mentshlich".

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:41 pm

amother wrote:

You are always your mother's daughter - you stop being her baby somewhere around 2.

I'm struggling with how staying with a parent after giving birth is a kibbud to them - but I guess it is in your circle. Seems extremely self-sacrificing if its a place you don't want to be.

back to 'do whats best for you' that doesn't mean don't consider other people when making life decisions- it makes making the best decision from your POV in the circumstance. It means you are sitting in the drivers seat of your life. Most people are happiest when everyone around them is happy too. Most people make decisions based on that...

Zehava

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:45 pm

Oh god oh god oh god
Zehava stop
You will say something sharp and everyone will get all hurt and they will say you were triggered. Rein it in. Okay. This is me reigning it in.
My babies are still quite young but already I want them to do what makes them happy instead of assuaging my feelings. I never want them to think my feelings are their responsibility. Putting that on a child is a favorite tool for manipulation and parentification for parents the world over.
Kudos to that woman for standing up to that unjust pressure.
And to the mother whose unfair expectations were thwarted....
suck it up

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:48 pm

amother wrote:

I am that poster.
I sincerely hope that when I'm a mother, I will want my child to be as comfortable and happy as possible, no matter how I may feel about it.
There's a time to give, a time to take. After giving birth is DEFINITELY a time to take. I needed to be selfish. I couldn't sleep in an uncomfortable, narrow bed with all my paraphernalia, with no privacy whatsoever for nursing, with noise and a messy, over-used bathroom where I'd have to wait my turn.
I had the option for a more pleasant experience so I took it. And I rested up. And I invited my parents to come visit etc but I just needed to put my own interests first at this time. Like I said, I would want my own children to do what's best for them and I'd try to put my own expectations aside. (Expectations are overrated anyway.)

Just curious, when exactly do you suggest is the proper time to "do what's best for you" if it isn't postpartum? Never? That's asking to turn someone into a dishrag, and a resentful one at that.

Eta: I don't know why I made it sound like I'm not yet a mother. Boruch Hashem I am, but of little kids. I meant to say that I hope when my kids are older, I will continue to have their best interests at heart. And send them to the right schools for them, not my pride. Etc etc

amother

Tan

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:48 pm

amother wrote:

This doesn't sound healthy. Who is putting all this pressure on you? Sounds a bit emeshed and codependent.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:57 pm

Oh, and the fact that you told me that I'm not a mentch, that you're sorry for judging me but I'm just not a mentch... Well all I can see is I hope I don't know you in real life.
You seem to be entitled, but the other way around- coming from the mother's perspective. An entitled parent.

News flash: children are people too. The mitzvah of kibud ov voeim does not mean giving into ridiculous social norms and whatnot just because "what will people think." Nope.

amother

Copper

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:03 pm

amother wrote:

I've noticed that's a common line on this site 'Do what's best for you' 'just make sure you're happy...' and it keeps making me cringe. I definitely hear that nobody should be a door mat, but there are SO many other considerations in every situation. Re naming your baby - yes, its your decision, but its a great kavod and a special way to connect with previous generations and give your parents nachas. Its not ONLY about what name you love.
Re being a parent/ being there for your kids - its not ONLY about what makes you happy. Sometimes kids are impossible and bratty and embarrassing and you cant stand them, but Gd handpicked you as their parents and you're there for the long run. It doesn't matter. Suck it up and be the mom. Fake it til you make it.
I'm sorry, I'll get off my soap box now, but I'm sick of this entitled message that keeps cropping up. I'm new-ish on this site and its completely turning me off.

THIS! I agree 100%
I see it a lot IRL lately too. People like to be "comfortable" & "do what's good for you" "it doesn't work for me" etc. even if it's a close friend or someone that would do and did the world for you!

crust

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:15 pm

amother wrote:

May I ask you why you are even trying to justify yourself? You are doing the right thing.
Continue doing what you are doing and let the 'moichim' GO FLY A KITE!!

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:25 pm

amother wrote:

I don't know about this postpartum situation, I didn't read that thread. but I am continually amazed about how people post they want luxuries they can't afford (cleaning help, babysitting help, vacations whatever) and overwhelmingly everyone posts that she should get it anyway, she deserves it.

I don't see that here, and I read a lot. I see a lot of people saying 'if you can afford it'.

tichellady

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:38 pm

amother wrote:

I don't see that at all.

I don't think vacation has to be a luxury, obviously going on a week trip to the Bahamas is a luxury but going away for a night is not (at least in my world). I also don't think babysitting help is a luxury for anyone who works. Maybe it's a luxury for a SAHM but that depends on the circumstances

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 04 2017, 10:36 pm

When I say "do what's best for you", what I mean is "I don't know your entire life story based on this one post, so take my comment with a big grain of salt, and I'm sorry if I'm getting it wrong or misunderstanding you."

Y'all may think that I totally spill my guts on this board, but you only know a tiny fraction of what's going on in my life, and what my past was like. Believe me, I listen to everyone's advice, and I'm grateful to have so many people here who care, but in the end, I "do what's best for me."

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 10:48 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Oh FF - I hope what ever you are leaving out is the 'good stuff'...

LiLIsraeli

Thu, May 04 2017, 11:13 pm

When I say this, I mean that your [physical and mental] health comes before other people's comments, expectations, and demands. You're the only one who can judge your emotional breaking point, so you know if you can handle it right now or if you need to step back and just do what will keep you sane and healthy.

[Not saying other people don't matter. I'm saying when it comes to health, that matters more than other people.]

cuties' mom

Fri, May 05 2017, 4:35 am

amother linen- does that mean that if your mother would ask you to take off from work the week after Pesach, risking losing your job since you can't use sick days after a holiday, leave your dh and kids behind, and spend the week with her in Florida because she's lonely, you would do it? I'm not asking to be snarky, I'm honestly trying to understand MIL's way of thinking and since you seem to be of the same mindset, I'm hoping you could explain why a mother would think that her married sons who all have kids could leave their jobs and families and fly to Florida whenever she's bored, lonely, or needs something from the supermarket. Please explain for those of us who are confused.