Can I share this secret with my children?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Aqua

Mon, May 08 2017, 10:51 pm

One of my siblings is, and has been for many years, OTD.

Neither of my parents, and not even all of my siblings, are aware of this.

I want to tell my teen children (only if it comes up and it kind of has and I've been evasive).

The main reason I haven't told them is because in trying to keep the information from my parents, it was decided it would be "safer" to have as few people know about it as possible.

The sibling in question will not care. I'm confident that there's no danger of my children saying anything to my parents. The two concerns I have are a) is it "right" of me to ask them to keep it a secret and b) what if they end up telling a cousin. . .

The reason why I want to tell them the truth (again, only if and when it comes up) is because I just hate the lying. . .

What are your thoughts?

imasinger

Mon, May 08 2017, 10:54 pm

That's tricky.

How about if you step out of the middle? Maybe you could ask this sibling what s/he wants the kids to know, and could s/he please tell them directly next time they are together?

familyfirst

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:04 pm

If the point is to prevent your parents from having Agmas Nefesh, then respect that. Nobody asked, no need to share. Your children are not entitled to every piece of information you know in the name of "not lying"

tichellady

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:07 pm

I don't really understand the point of secrets like this so it's hard for me to understand why you would keep it from your children. But I recognize that there are family dynamics and other realities that I just don't get

flowerpower

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:15 pm

How is it that your parents and siblings are not aware of this, especially since it's going on for a very long time?

MagentaYenta

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:23 pm

Isn't it exhausting living with lies on a daily basis?

amother

Aqua

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:46 pm

To respond to some of your questions/comments:

Sibling will not care if I do or don't tell my children. My other siblings would be fuming mad if my kids told theirs (which I'm pretty sure wouldn't happen but I'm nervous about).

My parents (and some siblings) don't know because said sibling is an unmarried adult who doesn't see them so often and when he/she does, he/she plays the part so as not to cause pain to my parents.

It has come up with my kids occasionally and yes, it is unpleasant to be lying about it. I also think my children will be upset if/when they find out the truth eventually but if I am convinced it's the right thing to do, I will continue to keep it a secret.

Oh, and I'd be devastated to find out my kids ever kept something like this from me but I guess that's a different issue altogether.

MagentaYenta

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:54 pm

How do you feel that your children will benefit from being secret keepers? The pressure will be on them, they can never slip. And if perchance they do, there will be an additional burden of guilt for revealing the secret.

amother

Linen

Tue, May 09 2017, 12:02 am

amother wrote:

This is the part that would make me not want to even bring it up to my kids. Yes, sibling has good intentions to not upset your parents but really, somehow there is also the message that it's okay to lie/ pretend so long as your intentions are good. Maybe setting them up to feel okay to hide things from you. I don't know, I think I'd just leave this whole thing on the back burner. Or if you are going to share, make it clear that you do not condone this deceit to your parents, but it's just not your secret to tell. But really, honestly, I wouldn't want to make them a party to this lie.

MitzadSheini

Tue, May 09 2017, 12:08 am

Just offering a bit of analysis -

Your sibling is in a shalom - emet conflict and has chosen Shalom over Emet. You want to chose Emet over Shalom. Many big decisions can be simplified as a shalom - emet conflict.

Not sure that there is a "right" answer - although I think MagentaYenta made a good point.

amother

Gold

Tue, May 09 2017, 12:31 am

I have a friend who is married and they don't keeo shabbos anymore. Her parents don't know because she wears a shaitel outside etc. If this sibling is playing the part, dressing up then obviously they don't want your parents to know. That means it is not appropriate to tell the children. If it bothers you, try to build a connection with that sibling and be them mkarev or speak to a professional about it.

Iymnok

Tue, May 09 2017, 1:27 am

Why don't you ask the sibling? If said sibling is a mature adult, they probably have some valuable insight.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2017, 5:46 am

We have a similar situation in our family so I understand where you're coming from.

My first question is, why would your children need to know? If said adult behaves the part whenever they see him/her, then why the need to tell?

imasinger

Tue, May 09 2017, 7:05 am

Protective lies usually cause more trouble than the truth, even to the family member most predicted to react badly.

I think whichever sibling decreed that this should be kept secret in the family did the family a big disservice. OOC, at this point, what would happen if OTD sibling outed him/herself?

It's hard to say which is worse, keeping this secret from your children, or putting them in the position where they, too, will have to lie. I wish I had good advice but all the options are not great.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2017, 7:29 am

Some things are not necessarily spoken about even if they are not secrets.

In our family, many of us know that this particular member is OTD when away from family, but it's never discussed. Do the parent's know? I don't know. But if said adult decided to play the part in public I don't see any reason to discuss it.

The choices that he/she makes in private is no one's business and doesn't need to be discussed whether it's a secret or not.

Maya

Tue, May 09 2017, 8:01 am

I don't know, your reasons for wanting to tell them don't sound all that altruistic to me.

If this sibling wants to keep up a certain face for the family, it's not your place to disclose to anyone his or her real lifestyle. I don't consider it lying just by withholding the information. If your children directly asked you if the sibling was observant, that's a different situation. But just because you know information that your children do not doesn't mean you're being dishonest.

naomi2

Tue, May 09 2017, 8:30 am

Don't burden them with a secret it very unhealthy. Consider asking you other family members to take down this charade. It also sends the messenger to the otd sibling and your own children that they will not be accepted if they do wrong. That love is dependent on being "good"

amother

Aqua

Tue, May 09 2017, 10:21 am

Maya wrote:

To clarify, I would not tell my children without sibling's consent. But I know he/she won't mind, initially (10+ years ago) he/she wanted to tell my parents the truth but another sibling of mine convinced him/her not to because of the pain it would cause them.

One of my kids did ask me somewhat directly recently and I was kind of evasive and uncomfortable. . . which lead me to rethink things and start this thread!

Based on what everyone is saying though, I will not be telling my kids anything now.

Thanks!

enter

Tue, May 09 2017, 10:34 am

Iymnok wrote:

Why don't you ask the sibling? If said sibling is a mature adult, they probably have some valuable insight.

This. Also, I wonder if it's possible in this situation to take away the whole secretive thing going on with the rest of your family. For whatever reasons, something that is in itself a non-secret (I.e. sibling gone OTD) has become a secret in one specific situation (I.e. around specific family members..) Your sibling doesn't care and it makes you uncomfortable to have secrets. So, I'm wondering, take away the secret and there's just facts. Take the drama and secretary out of it, and present it exactly as it is. No secretive tone, just facts. Almost as a by-the-way, because in reality, in itself, it is a by-the-way. Basically, try to ignore the fact it's a secret and present it like that. Find a good time, state the facts, including the fact that by-the-way your parents don't know, so they don't have to go around prancing the information. Because it's all matter-of-fact, if they ask you why, you (matter-of-factly) respond the truth, she feels it will hurt them because some parents want their children to be like them and Grandma and Grandpa will have a hard time with this. I'm not like that....

They have no secret to "uphold" because in of itself it's not a secret (you said you're sibling doesn't care) . You're worried about your other siblings getting angry at you if your nieces/nephews find out from your children. However, you mention it is mostly fear. Maybe there's a way of dealing with this, but either ways, I'm wondering if it is possible to take this matter-of-fact approach to your siblings too? Basically, you're not getting involved in their drama (the drama the secret is creating).

I may be totally off mark here but figure I'll share what I'm thinking in case it can be of any help.

Aylat

Tue, May 09 2017, 10:50 am

enter wrote:

I agree with a lot of this. I like the idea of being casual instead of making it a drama of 'secrets'.

"Yeah, sadly Uncle Y doesn't keep Shabbat. He is shomer Shabbat when we get together as a family bec he wants to be respectful. Oh, by the way, Uncle Y decided not to tell Grandma, so don't mention it when she's around, and he'd prefer you don't discuss him with your cousins. Please respect his wishes. You can always come to me and Dad if you have any questions or just want to talk it over."

I know you said it was a different sibling who instigated the secrecy, but that's an added complication that your kids don't need to know about. Since your sibling agreed to do that, it's true to say that it's respecting his wishes not to talk about it.

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