My (almost) 3 year old lies

amother

Pearl

Thu, May 11 2017, 10:22 pm

My son is almost three. He sometimes lies to me and my husband. For example, tonight he said, "my throat hurts. Can I have more cheese?"
I said, "sweetie, you don't have to tell me your throat hurts. You can just say ''mommy, can I have some more cheese please?""
at bedtime he sometimes lies about having a booboo or his tummy hurting him... And after he misbehaves and we give him a consequence (put him
In the corner or take away a toy etc), he sometimes starts crying and then claims he has a booboo. I know he just wants postive attention. It scares me that he knows how to lie! And how to get it to be for his benefit!
Is this normal? How do I deal with it?

MagentaYenta

Thu, May 11 2017, 10:43 pm

Calm down, your son is practicing avoidance, not dishonesty. He's only three dishonesty isn't even a concept to him at this point. He is merely a comfort seeking creature. It's uncomfortable to be put in a corner or have a toy taken away. He's trying to mitigate the consequences of his actions. Keep being consistent. Keep talking to him and explaining why there are consequences and how to legitimately avoid the bad consequences.

crust

Thu, May 11 2017, 10:54 pm

3 year olds don't lie. They can not distinguish between fact and imagination yet.

A consequence always has to match the level of the misbehavior. If a child does not grasp the reality of a lie yet, then he really does not understand the consequence.
When he said my throat hurts, maybe it Really hurts? It doesnt mean he has strep. But he can really feel a 'lump' in his throat from feelings etc that he cannot explain with his limited language.

Last edited by crust on Fri, May 12 2017, 8:03 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cerise

Thu, May 11 2017, 11:00 pm

crust wrote:

3 year olds don't lie. They can not distinguish between fact and imagination yet.

My 6 year old told me today; "I told my menahel that my rebbe smacks boys in my class and my menahal told me don't worry I will take care of it."
Of course I know that this is not true. But. Instead of jumping up on him or putting him in the corner I asked him; did you 'want' to tell this to your principal? Is it hard for you to see your rebbe smacking your friends?
I then went on to explain to him that once he gets older he will be able to understand the difference of I want it should happen -and - it happened.
The outcome? He's not stupid. He wants to be 'older'. He right away told me that he understands the difference already and he's not going back to school untill I call his rebbe. Fine. But I was being cautious that the lie issue not be created.

A consequence always has to match the level of the misbehavior. If a child does not grasp the reality of a lie yet, then he really does not understand the consequence.
When he said my throat hurts, maybe it Really hurts? It doesnt mean he has strep. But he can really feel a 'lump' in his throat from feelings etc that he cannot explain with his limited language.

That was a rather disturbing example.

mommy3b2c

Thu, May 11 2017, 11:02 pm

crust wrote:

Why is the rebbe smacking boys? Call the cops.

lizard8

Thu, May 11 2017, 11:17 pm

Totally don't worry about it, it is very developmentally appropriate. You don't want to make a habit of him thinking you are believing everything he says though. You are doing the right thing by distinguishing what he wants based on the lie. This might not break the lying, but to use as a foundation as he matures.

When my kids are older than three, we discuss the difference between wanting something to be true and a true fact. When I catch my child making something up, I simply ask "is your story real, or something that you want to be real?" The child is usually able to tell me the truth.

If the lie is meaningless, and doesn't really affect anyone, just ignore it and give a parve response. Don't dwell on every lie.

yksraya

Thu, May 11 2017, 11:39 pm

crust wrote:

Why would you assume your 6 yr old didn't talk to the menahal? My boys soemtimes tell the menahal things. Ds1, when he was around 6, he told the menahal that the gentile working in cheder broke something in his cheder. He first told me that he told the menahal, later, when the menahal has called for something else, he told me my kids told him.

yksraya

Thu, May 11 2017, 11:53 pm

Op, your son, when he wanted the cheese, he probebly felt "thirsty" so said his throat hurts. But when thirsty, we sometimes think we are hungry, so he asked for cheese. I think it is actually super cute!!!

And the "boo boo" scenario prob means he doesn't know how to express what he feels so assumes it's a boo boo. He prob feels scared/lonely and wants to be with you at night etc.

Don't worry abt it, and give your kid a hug. He is still super tiny!

marina

Fri, May 12 2017, 12:22 am

Toddlers often think that just by saying something they make it so. And even older than toddlers. It takes a long long time for kids to understand the difference btw the truth and a lie. That's why in many states, for example, they categorically do not allow children under 7 or so to testify in court.

FranticFrummie

Fri, May 12 2017, 5:50 am

What everyone else said. This is SO typical of this age!

With a toddler, I agree that he's probably trying to use his limited language, and not expressing himself clearly. Stress and upset can definitely feel like a "boo boo" in your throat or tummy. It means he's asking for soothing, and a way to transition out of his sad feelings.

Be warned, "telling stories" can go on for many years, up to around age 7 or 8. DD was a master of this. She'd include just enough truth to make it totally believable. (Not as a toddler, but starting around age 5.) It gave her a feeling of power to think she could "trick" adults.

I never used the word "lie" with her. I would ask "Is this a story, or the truth?" If she stuck to her guns, I would say "If I called your morah, would she say the same thing?" and DD almost always backtracked and said "It's a story, but Shanie did poke me a little bit."

I explained to her that she doesn't like it when people trick her. It doesn't feel nice. Don't trick other people with stories. Eventually she grew out of it, when she realized I was going to fact check everything she said.

amother

Pearl

Fri, May 12 2017, 7:57 am

amother wrote:

How are you so sure his tummy or throat don't hurt? I would never punish my three year old for saying that, I want them to always come to me if something is not right.

Of course I didn't punish him! And how do I know? Because he only said it once- exactly when he wanted me to give him positive attention instead of putting him back into bed/reprimanding him for throwing his toys...

amother

Pearl

Fri, May 12 2017, 7:58 am

marina wrote:

Thank you. That's good to know!

Thanks everyone for explaining this to me!

gp2.0

Fri, May 12 2017, 8:18 am

They also make associations at this age. My 4 yo will say "I have a cold so I need tea" if she wants to drink tea. Sometimes it will make sense like the above and sometimes it will be more random. Stuff like this just means their brains are working a mile a minute to draw necessary associations and figure out the world.

amother

Pearl

Fri, May 12 2017, 8:27 am

gp2.0 wrote:

It's true. I see that. For example, I once said "I'm nauseous so I'm going to have some sorbet" (it was a pregnancy related craving) and for a few days my son said "I'm nauseous, so can I have sorbet?"

Also, the imagination point was very enlightening to me. My son probably doesn't see the difference between saying "my throat hurts (when it doesn't really hurt)" and the bedtime stories I tell him about a talking horse... They're all pretend.

Thanks everyone.
The reason I got nervous in the first place is because when I was a child I was the worst liar and lied about everything, and I was worried my son may turn out to be like me. (I arguably had a good reason- my mother has BPD so if I didn't lie, I would face her terrible wrath. My goal with my children is to be loving and accepting no matter what, so hopefully they won't feel the need to lie, and especially not about silly things like how many snacks they ate or what grade they got on a test.)

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, May 12 2017, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

Ok it was unclear because you said you gave him a consequence for lying.

FranticFrummie

Fri, May 12 2017, 10:59 am

OP, I'm sorry you had a dysfunctional childhood. Hug

Like I said above, lying (or as I prefer to call it, "story telling") is a phase that all kids go through, regardless of how good or bad their parents are. Some kids have longer phases than others.

I've found that the kids who tell the most whoppers, are kids with amazing imaginations. DD is a brilliant writer of original fiction now, and gets straight A's in English and composition. Many teachers have told me that she could have a great future as an author.

Kids with active imaginations also have vivid dreams that seem real, and sometimes they'll think something actually happened, when it didn't. Sadly, that also is true for their nightmares, so be prepared to be extra reassuring if he wakes up distressed. It's that busy brain working overtime.

These kids also tend to have a hilarious sense of humor, so fasten your seat belt, you're going to be in for a wild ride!